Loose lips sink ships!

 

During World War II, the military coined the phrase, "Loose lips sink ships" to remind military personnel and civilians that talking about troop movements could result in a spy hearing and reporting the information to the enemy which could result in the destruction of U.S. ships and soldiers. In fact, they built a whole campaign around this slogan complete with posters and ads.
In marriage the same principle is true. Marriage is a relationship that carries the highest level of trust and vulnerability. In marriage, each person has a front row seat to every aspect of the person to whom they are married. Your mate knows you like none other. In other words, they know all the things you want to hide when trying to put your best foot forward. You trust your mate to be careful with this knowledge as you realize you need to be careful with this same knowledge about your mate.
Normally, this is not a big deal. However every marriage has periods of conflict, disappointment, frustration, irritation, and the like. It is in these times that people are tempted to share their side of the issue with family members or friends. This practice seems to be growing with the advent of social media which is encouraging people to be more open about everything.
The problem is that while most couples will tend to work through the problem, forgive each other, and make up heading once again toward "happily ever after," the people who know about the problem will be left with a bad opinion of your mate. They will have a very difficult time looking past the hurt shared with them.
Every couple is influenced to some degree by those close to them. If that group has their opinion of your mate polluted by the sharing of a stream of negativity, then naturally they will begin to encourage you to end the marriage or retaliate against your mate. Every time you go back to them with a complaint against your mate they will remind you of the entire list and build a case against your mate. If you refuse to follow their urging, you will eventually find yourself in a strained relationship with them. For these reasons, people outside the marriage should never be given intimate information about the struggles inside the marriage. It is bad for everyone. Here are some tips to help decide what is inappropriate to share:

• Never spread embarrassing facts about your mate.
• Never spread the details of an argument.
• Never spread anything that would make the hearer think less of your mate.
• Everyone has faults and weaknesses that the world has not seen, never spread those.
• Never say anything that you would not want told about you.
• Never vent anger at your mate to another person...talk it through to God and then go back to your mate.
• Never make cutting or demeaning remarks about your mate to others.
• Never, Ever post any aspect of an argument on Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media. 
• If your mate is engaged in an addiction, violence, adultery, abusing your children, or illegal activity, speak to your pastor or a Christian counselor to receive support and guidance.

Loose lips sink ships and.... 

                 Real Love always protects!    

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

A better angle!

We are probably aware of the importance of having the right angle of sight  when making decisions about events. Many a first down, touch down, "safe" base call and home run have been impacted by the right angle of sight of the referee or umpire...or camera. It's amazing how the angle from which we view something can completely change our understanding of the event. It is important to find the right angle.    The same is true in all areas of our lives...especially marriage. If we see our mate from an angle of hurt, disappointment, anger, self - centeredness, or defensiveness, then we will be looking for the negative we expect to find. Guess what we will find...more disappointment that reinforces our negative theory. This is a cycle that has cost many a person their marriage. It becomes like the proverbial snow ball rolling down the mountain.
What we perceive is negative and hurtful and we don't have the benefit of the instant replay so we chalk up another "you're OUT" when maybe it was just our mate being different from us in their approach to life. Most of the time, hurts in marriage are not intentional. They are part of the need to engage the process of learning to live together in an understanding way.
Unfortunately, we can become so entrenched in our need to be "right" about our mate's flaws and so entitled to an apology and a promise to change that we lose sight of what's important...our mate. This can quickly become a tug of war that creates isolation, hurt, distance, pain, and loneliness in the relationship.
Many times we spend years thinking that our marriage would be fulfilling if only our mate would change into a better person, but maybe what we need to do is get a better angle to view our mate from...after all the only person I can change is ME.
He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it. Proverbs 11:27 NIV
I believe that we find what we look for. If we look for something disappointing, we find it. If we look for something to be thankful for, we find it. (also see Philippians 4:8). Don't you want your mate to expect good things from you? Don't you want your mate to believe that you would never intentionally do anything to hurt or disappoint them? Give your mate the same. Stop the negative cycle this week. Get a better angle of sight to your mate!

Let it go!

One of the most difficult things to do in a relationship is to refuse to keep a list of negatives abut your mate. It is funny how we will forget 100 positives and cling to one negative, sometimes for years. I suppose that this is because the negatives are usually associated with a hurt or disappointment. We seem to have this idea that if we keep a list of every way our mate has ever let us down and keep rehearsing it and keeping a vigilant watch then we can protect ourselves from being hurt again. However, if we engage in this practice, it will destroy our relationship.
If we truly want to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship we must choose to let negative things go.
It is quite simple. Do you want your mate keeping a list of your mistakes and constantly holding that list ready to "protect" themselves?
The key to love is the ability to accept our mate with all their imperfections and choose to forgive the hurts, overlook the faults, and focus on the positives.

• Letting it go means that once we have discussed it and resolved the hurt or disappointment we choose to stop spending time thinking about that and return to positive, loving thoughts about our mate.
• Letting it go means that we choose to stop  expecting our mate to let us down again. We choose to expect to see and receive positives from our mate. We choose to remember that our mate is a wonderful person who is normal in that he/she makes mistakes like us. 
• Letting it go means that we don't bring it up every time we get angry at our mate. 
• Letting it go means that we don't share negative things about our mate with others.
• Letting it go means that we open our hearts up to our mate again.
• Letting it go means that we do not punish our mate.  
• Letting it go is choosing love over fear.
• Letting it go is a deliberate choice.
• Letting it go can be tough...but rewarding.
• Letting it go is what God does in His love for us. Will we reflect that to our mate?  

Please understand that if you are married to a person who has a history of chronic adultery or violent abuse then you should forgive but not continue to put yourself at risk. You should discuss that with your pastor or a Christian counselor.  

Real Love keeps no record of wrongs!    

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

The power of love!

Real love refreshes!

 

Real love is one of the most amazing forces on the Earth. Real love can overwhelm depression and discouragement. Real love can shatter loneliness. Real love can radically change painful circumstances. Real love can bring healing to the most devastating hurts. Real love can change the future of others for generations. Real love can transform people in positive ways. Real love can change cities. Real love can pull people back from the brink of destruction. Real love can create wonderful, stable families. Real love can bring a drop of Heaven to Earth. Just hearing a story about real love brings a tear to the eye and a leap of joy and hope to the heart. Surely, you have experienced it. Every human has an innate deep longing to experience the glory of real love. Real love has amazing power to do incredible feats here on Earth! We have been given the power to pour out real love.....or not.
One would wonder, after thinking about the possibilities of love, why real love has not completely transformed the world into a paradise, or at least our marriages.
The answer lies in the basic conflict between the essence of love and our basic human tendencies. The essence of love is a willingness to sacrifice greatly in order to do what is beneficial for another (1John 3:16-18). Love is giving with a good attitude.
Our basic human tendencies compel us to exalt self above all others and do what is most beneficial for self regardless of how it effects others. Self serving is taking with a passion for self. (1Corinthians 13:5)
This conflict will eventually wear away the beauty of love in a marriage if it is not carefully resisted.
This week, determine to be a real lover to your husband/wife. Here are some helpful tips:

• Ask God to show you where self serving has crept into your love for your mate.
• Ask God for forgiveness and help to return to real love.
• Think about how to really be a blessing to your mate...act on it.
• Resist the tendency to favor and protect self and throw yourself into giving kindness and love to your mate in lavish ways. Break down the barriers. 
• Try to stop focusing on yourself and your needs and wants and hurts. Instead focus on your mate's needs, wants, and hurts. Choose to pour love out on your mate.
• Remember, real love has powerful, positive effects. You are unleashing a flood of goodness in your family...who knows what great things may come from it over time!  
• Remember, it really is better to give than to receive!  Try it! 

   

         Real Love is not self serving!   

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Anger - Handle with caution!

Anger can be like wild fire!

Anger is a complex emotion. I suppose there is no need to try to explain or define it because we all know it well.
Anger has motivated people to leave their comfort zones to take a stand for right and good causes. However, too often, anger is the emotion that runs out of control like a wild fire damaging and destroying everything in its path. I wonder how many marriages/families have been destroyed by anger?
The Bible has a lot to say about anger. In 1 Corinthians 13 we read that love is not easily angered. Too often, we experience the opposite of that in the marriage context. So many are careful to control their angry outbursts around co-workers, supervisors, strangers, and friends while giving themselves permission to be touchy, explosive, and hurtful to their husband/wife and children.
It is clear that we are capable of controlling how we vent our anger. Shouldn't we choose to express love to our mate and children by extending that same courtesy to them. It is time to make better choices. No one can change the past, but we can all change the future.
In Ephesians 4:26, we are told to not sin in our anger. It is not wrong to be angry, however the way we handle our anger is very important to God....and those around us. Angry words and explosive actions destroy love and ruin the harmony needed to have a healthy relationship. I know that many joke about the joy of making up after a fight, but there is always the residual erosion caused by careless words thrown around in an angry fit. Over time, these can build up and create distance and uncertainty in the relationship.

Try these helpful tips to control anger:

• Assure yourself that you can control yourself.
• Revoke the permission you have given yourself to rage out of control.
• Remember that rants of rage are a sin Galatians 5:20. 
• Seek God's forgiveness and help.
• When you feel the anger building, be careful.
• Choose your words and actions carefully. Think about how your words will affect your mate or children. Say what you need to say in a loving way to effect a helpful response rather than a simple dumping of your anger. 
• Explain that you need to take a break if necessary. Don't just storm out without explanation.
• Try listening without speaking until you understand your mate's position.
• Ask questions to improve your understanding before you blow up. Don't blow up.
• Remember, love and peaceful communication glorify God and bless your family. A wonderful gift.
• Refuse to participate in the old patterns of escalation. Simply sit and listen if your mate is raging. Wait for calmness to prevail.
• Be careful not to provoke your mate or escalate the anger. 
                
  Real Love is not easily angered!   

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order your copy of I Still Do Today.
Simply click the link on the sidebar.

The Critical Gift

The most critical gift we can give our mate is respect. I have several observations about this that seem obvious, but we have found that many couples struggle in this area. First, respect is the element that keeps the relationship satisfying and rewarding. Second, respect is given by choice. Finally, respect must be guarded and cultivated. A lack of respect will eventually destroy a relationship.
Respect is basically choosing to value another person highly and allow that value to permeate every element of our interaction with that person like the way we talk to and about them and the way we treat them in general. One of the things that causes a struggle in marriage is that we build a history of the other's weaknesses, faults and mistakes.
In the early stages of the relationship our focus was on their wonderful qualities and their successes. The key here is to choose to return to focusing on his/her great qualities and successes and remind ourselves that we are not perfect either.
People love to say that respect is earned not given. I beg to differ. it is true that a person's behavior, speech, and deeds earn either admiration and approval or disappointment and disapproval, however respect is about the way we choose to treat others. We can either have an arrogant attitude where we see ourselves as the "authority on all things and the judge of others" or we can have an attitude of humility where we value others and choose to treat them with dignity,  kindness, and...respect because we know that God loves all people. The way I treat others speaks more about me than it speaks about them. Jesus taught us to be respectful to everyone. How much more does this apply to our marriage partner?

This week, treat your mate as the most important person in your life.
Speak to your mate with kindness and appreciation. Be careful with your words and tone. Try to go a full week without saying anything demeaning or derogatory to your mate. Isn't it crazy how we are more careful about how we speak to friends co-workers and strangers than our mate?
Be helpful and accommodating in regards to your mate's needs and desires. Put your mate first.
Focus on your mate's great qualities and stop focusing on their shortcomings.
Cultivate a greater demonstration of respect for your mate this week and........    

              

          Watch the Romance Grow!  

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

A Fascinating Gift

When God created humans, He made us wonderfully different from all of the other living things He created. This involves many aspects, but this week, I want to encourage you to think about and explore one of those areas. 

God endowed humans with a special ability to connect with and bless each other with affection. This is a powerful gift for parents to bestow on their children. Studies show that babies who receive no affection and touching do not thrive. Nine years ago, we had a son who was born early with lots of health challenges and the doctors instructed us that the best medicine for him was for us to spend a couple of hours each day holding him so he could have skin to skin contact and affection. Thank you Lord, he made a full recovery and is healthy today. 

Studies show that children who grow up with a lack of affection tend to develop emotional problems that plague them for life.

However, God also gave this wonderful gift to married couples. Affection strengthens the connection between couples. Sadly, surveys show that affection tends to decline in couples over time bringing a lot of negatives into the relationship.

There was a study done at Arizona State University in 2008 by professor Kory Floyd to examine the effects of affectionate communication with twenty married couples. They defined affectionate communication in three ways: verbal(I Love you), Touch (kissing, holding hands, touching), and social(listening and offering help).  

They collected saliva samples hourly through out a typical workday and evening. The test results demonstrated that hormones associated with stress decreased when their mate gave them various forms of affectionate communication. The conclusion was that affection from one's mate leads to better health, less stress, and better outlook on life. The test also indicated that affection deepens the connection between a husband and wife. Giving affection to your mate is good medicine for both of you so prescribe a generous daily dose.

When was the last time you really kissed your mate?

Do you plan time for hugging and touching after the kids are in bed?

Are you and your mate passing in the doorway with a peck on the cheek?

Are you shaking hands rather than holding hands?

This week, (you will have to plan for it) spend time holding hands, touching, really  kissing, expressing your love to each other verbally, and listening and understanding....and......    

              

          Watch the Romance Grow!  

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Pursue Harmony with your Mate

One of the most important qualities to develop in a marriage is harmony.
Harmony could be described as two very different people who bring differing ideas, customs, gifts, talents, points of view, and experiences learning to live life together in a way that brings out the best in each other. A blending together that is inspiring and enjoyable...like good music.
We have all heard singers who sing together well and others who set your whole being on edge as you hope that they will be through soon!
We have also seen the same in couples. Some are so connected that they simply exude peace and are quite inspiring to watch or be around. Others are so out of sync that it is stressful and painful to be around them.
This has little to do with "chemistry"or being "in Love", it has everything to do with how we choose to relate to each other. If you are out of sync right now, don't give up, begin to develop harmony.
Have you ever noticed that sometimes a group of talented individual singers can't seem to harmonize well? It's the same way in marriage, sometimes great people have trouble harmonizing their lives. The key to good harmony in singing or in life is to choose to shift the focus off of self and choose to put effort into focusing on getting in step with your partner.
Here are some helpful tips to boost harmony in your marriage:

• Spend some time identifying areas where you feel out of sync with your mate...maybe making a list will help.
• Talk to your mate to find out what he/she needs in these areas. How can I move toward my mate in this area to create harmony?
• Try to determine what God's Word has to say about this area.(that's the standard always move toward that) 
• Be willing to compromise your desire to find acceptable middle ground with your mate. A tug of war is the opposite of harmony.
• Listen to and value your mate's opinions and needs. Don't be critical and negative.
• Encourage your mate.  
• Try to eliminate the phrase "But, What about ME?!" from your thinking and replace it with "But, What's best for US?!"

               Watch the Romance Grow!  

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.