Boundaries!

One of the age old dilemmas facing married couples is their interaction with their parents, extended family members, and sometimes friends. Of course, everyone is familiar with the standard conflicts that can arise over holiday and birthday celebrations, but often these conflicts spill over into the everyday aspects of life causing hurt feelings and dividing families.

In Genesis 2:24, God created Eve as a mate for Adam and pronounced the ground rules for future generations. He used two words, leave and cleave. The word leave indicates leaving something behind, in this case the old family structure and authority is to be left behind to create a new family with its own traditions, customs, and authority structure. Leaving does not necessarily indicate a required breaking of regular interaction or even being involved in family business ventures or other interests. Leaving implies more of a change in relationship as the parents are required to respect the newly formed family as independent adults who are making their own decisions. The new family is expected to live in independence. 

The second word, cleave, indicates a clinging or affectionate closeness that exists only in marriage. God indicates that no one should interfere with the "cleaving" of a husband and wife to each other in this new family that has been formed.

The question often arises about how to deal with parents, family, or even friends who attempt to interfere with the couple's decisions. Sometimes family or friends create strife by being critical. Sometimes this criticism becomes rude and demeaning. Normally, couples who are struggling with how to handle this problem are worried about hurting someone's feelings or creating long term problems in the family so they often allow it to go unaddressed until the pressure builds to a boiling point and then things get ugly.

The key is to realize that God planned for the new family to be independent. Any outside person who is creating conflict and trouble in the marriage is overstepping their boundaries. It is imperative that the person be addressed respectfully and lovingly and placed back in their proper role and the fence rebuilt. Sometimes, the intruding party insists on interfering and tries to use various manipulation techniques. The key is to explain lovingly and refuse to be manipulated. In extreme cases, it may become necessary to limit contact with people who consistently create division and turmoil in the marriage. Such people are obviously consumed with selfish interests and may be a real threat to the life of the marriage. Again, these would be rare cases. It is critical for the couple to desire a right relationship during the time that they are engaged in protective measures (David's attitude toward Saul is a great example). It is easy to become hurt and retaliate with bad behavior, to engage in gossip, or to hold onto unforgiveness. All of these are terrible responses that create more trouble.  

Taking a stand for your marriage requires courage and may bring tension to outside relationships for a while, but it is necessary. 

As parents, family members, or friends we should acknowledge that God has sanctioned the marriages of those around us and we should never engage in anything that might bring trouble into those marriages. If we have bad or critical attitudes we should seek God's forgiveness and work to change these. We should respect their decisions, offer advice when asked, and give out generous amounts of encouragement. Every couple needs people who encourage and build up, not people who try to control and point out flaws in their mate!

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Forsaking all others!

A few years ago, our nation was dragged into a public debate about the correctness of a married man, in this case, a national political figure, engaging in relational and sexual activity that allegedly stopped short of full intercourse with a woman who was not his wife. As the saga played out, the wife appeared to support her husband thus implying that this was acceptable to her. Folks all over the country began to ponder and debate this issue around water coolers and coffee pots throughout the land. Eventually, attention turned elsewhere and the political spotlight was trained on another issue. But this event had far reaching implications for our national moral compass which was already malfunctioning. Many of our citizens, including many teens and college age folks, came to the conclusion that certain sexual activities were permissible as long as they stopped short of full intercourse.In their minds, they had new experiences available to help them get close to the line without crossing it. This brought about a new level of promiscuity in our culture. These ideas even crept into the church community because either the church refused to join the debate in embarrassment or because the church failed to connect and make herself credible to her listeners.
This also ushered in a new wave of trouble for marriage...so called harmless flirting of Christian married folks with people other than their mate. I once had a lengthy debate with a group of Christians about this matter and was very shocked. The consensus was that it was perfectly permissible for married folks to engage in flirting as long as they did not take it to a level of romantic relationship building. Several of the women and men even volunteered the names of the people in the church that they enjoy flirting with and gave examples of how they like to flirt and why. I could not believe my ears!
Flirting is a behavior that is intended to help two people of the opposite sex bond together in a romantic manner. It should be completely  reserved for single folks who are looking for a mate. It is after all part of that process. The only other arena of life where flirting is appropriate is the ongoing flirtation between a married couple as they seek to keep the spark and tenderness in their marriage.
Flirting outside of the marriage is an attempt to get the euphoria that comes by being noticed and admired by someone of the opposite sex without the relational responsibilities that are inherent in a committed relationship. It is a practice that demonstrates self - centeredness.
One of the cornerstones of Christian marriage is the concept of forsaking all others to cling exclusively to our mate through good and bad times.
Everyone has an emotional tank that needs to be filled, but God's plan is that husbands and wives would be sensitive to each other and exert the necessary effort to keep their mate's emotional tank full. Security in the marriage relationship is built on this sense of deliberate exclusivity by both parties. No one wants to be in a marriage with someone who is constantly seeking attention from strangers.
To make matter worse, the attention derived from flirting with others often turns one's heart cold toward their mate who may not appear as exciting and attentive. That is part of the deceptive downward cycle.
Of course, the ultimate danger from this game is that the person you are flirting with is on the prowl for a partner and hooks you and lures you into a full blown adulterous relationship that devastates your marriage partner and children...it happens all the time. What started off as "harmless flirting" turns into something devastating.
As Christians, we should live free from flirtation with people outside our marriage. We should relate to others as brothers or sisters, not fountains of flirtation.
This week, put as much effort into flirting with your mate as you can muster...this is a good thing!

Consider Proverbs 5: 15-23

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

 

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Win - Win

In every marriage, there is an ongoing need to come to a place of agreement over conflicting opinions and desires.
This is a normal part of marriage as two people who are very different learn to live life together.

Unfortunately, this process often stirs up a lot of misunderstanding, over-reaction, painful words and actions, hurt feelings, and too often leads to unforgiveness, grudges held, retaliation, and worse.

Many times, people begin to think that they have married the wrong person because the need for negotiating agreement is so frequent. This thought pattern often leads to a search outside the marriage for their "true soulmate"...which is a fantasy that does not exist.

The key is to grow in our approach to disagreement. As married people, we need to realize that difference of opinion and preference is inevitable. It simply means we have an opportunity to understand each other better.  

Our goal should always be to make decisions that will best serve our marriage and family. This creates a win - win situation. Here are some thoughts to consider to help us grow in this area:

• Try to maintain self control and keep anger in check.
• Try to see this as an opportunity to learn about why your mate sees things the way they do.
• Try to avoid the need to "win" or be "right". Instead, look for what's best. 
• Be careful with your words. Try to make sure not to say something you will regret later.
• Determine the importance of the issue to you...is it very important, somewhat important, or not very important?
• Try to determine the same from your mate.
• Do Christian discipleship principles enter into the decision making process? If so, they should take the lead.
• If it is less important to you than your mate and it is not going to violate any Christian value or cause any harm, then this is a great opportunity to show love to your mate by accommodating their desire...everybody wins.
• If you both feel strongly about conflicting plans of action, spend time discussing the pros and cons of each plan. Make sure to pray for guidance.
• It could be that a little of each plan will turn out to be the best plan of action. 
•  Stay engaged in the process until agreement is reached.   
• Make sure that love prevails. 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

A simple rule

In Matthew 7:12, Jesus said that we should treat others the way we want to be treated. Can you imagine how many disputes, divorces, and even wars could be avoided if we all took this seriously?
This simple command has enormous power to fill the lives of those around us with good!
This week, the Manning Times newspaper ran  a story about a local couple who were married for 18 years, divorced for 30 years, and were now newly remarried. Both had second marriages that ended in divorce. While this is a story that has many things to be sad about and many things to celebrate, one thing stood out profoundly.
The husband said that this time he had learned the importance of being sensitive to the likes, interests, and needs of his wife. As an example, he said that he now realized that when the two of them went out on their boat for a day on the lake, he is now accommodating to his wife's desire to keep the day shorter than he would prefer. In short, he had learned to treat his wife the way he would want to be treated. He apparently learned that denying self to bless others,especially your mate, is a wonderful expression of love.
Embracing this simple rule changed their family and their future. A new ending was written for the story of their lives.
This simple rule has the power to fill our lives and families with wonderful things also.
Let's focus on making this simple rule a way of life for ourselves and those we love!
This week, make this simple rule the main thing in your thinking and express it to your mate at every point possible! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.