What do you want?!

Conflicts are a natural part of relationships because everyone approaches life a little differently. In a lifelong relationship like marriage, it is crucial for both partners to learn to understand each other and learn to work together to help each other make it through the ups and downs of life. Effective conflict resolution is a vital part of a successful marriage, yet this is an area that is seldom discussed with couples until there is a crisis in the marriage.

Most conflicts are started when one marriage partner expresses dissatisfaction with some aspect of the relationship to the other partner. It seems that this is usually filed as an accusation and often accompanied with a question about the love and commitment in the relationship. Normally, the exchange is filled with hurt that is expressed in anger. Too often, this initial expression is returned with more anger, accusations, and hurtful retaliations. Many times this exchange escalates to a place of frustration on the part of both and eventually one or both will simply stop talking and the issue is left to simmer in silence. This creates distance and coldness in the relationship where neither is giving or receiving the things needed in a healthy relationship. A downward cycle of withholding good and dishing out little "jabs" is now set in motion. A terrible undercurrent now overshadows a once happy marriage. Misery is eclipsing joy.

Here are some ideas to help resolve conflicts in a healthy manner:

1. Have a clear goal.                                             Before expressing  dissatisfaction in the relationship, think through the issues until you are clear on the main problem. Often, these conflicts are started without a clear goal to be addressed and the end result is a frustrating exchange of anger about a variety of subjects with no real solution being discussed. Know what you want before start!
2. Talk only to your mate (or the person involved if this is a non-marriage conflict) never talk to others about your disappointments in the relationship. Go to the person with whom you have the conflict.The Bible, Matthew 18:15-16 
3. Choose your words carefully. Remember that this is the most important person in your life and words have power to heal and reconcile as well as the power to hurt and divide.
4. Refuse to allow anger to overpower you. Control your anger, don't allow it to control you.
5. Be prepared to compromise. Somewhere between what you want and what your mate wants is what is best for your marriage. Be prepared to look for that and accept it when you find it.  
6. Treat your mate like a partner not an enemy. Be careful not to accuse your mate of evil intent. Most unmet needs are unintentional. 
7. Resist the temptation to a knee-jerk reaction to your mate's initial resistance to your expression. Lovingly lead your mate to a calm discussion without making him/her feel attacked. Try to talk about your needs rather than your mate's failure to meet those needs and his/her possible motives for  failing to meet your needs.
8. Choose the best time and place to create the best possibility for a good outcome. When you are angry and your mate is tired or busy or in the middle of something is not the best time. Consider scheduling an appointment to discuss it.
9. Plan ahead to be kind, patient, humble, and willing to forgive. After all, the goal is change and improvement not anger ventilation, mate bashing, and arguing.
10. Be willing to admit your own faults and shortcomings and be willing to do better yourself. Ask your mate how you could better meet his/her needs. 
11. Make sure that once the matter is discussed and a solution is agreed upon that you move forward together helping each other carry out the solution.

  "... Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." The Bible(NIV version), James1:19,20  

A few questions to ponder: 

Are you locked in gridlock with your mate?

Do you know what to do to resolve this?

Will you do it?   When?

If you don't know what to do, will you ask and listen?

Will you work WITH your mate to find workable solutions?  

Remember, choosing to put the needs, wants, and preferences of your mate ahead of your own is not a loss, it is a great expression of love! 

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Win - Win

In every marriage, there is an ongoing need to come to a place of agreement over conflicting opinions and desires.
This is a normal part of marriage as two people who are very different learn to live life together.

Unfortunately, this process often stirs up a lot of misunderstanding, over-reaction, painful words and actions, hurt feelings, and too often leads to unforgiveness, grudges held, retaliation, and worse.

Many times, people begin to think that they have married the wrong person because the need for negotiating agreement is so frequent. This thought pattern often leads to a search outside the marriage for their "true soulmate"...which is a fantasy that does not exist.

The key is to grow in our approach to disagreement. As married people, we need to realize that difference of opinion and preference is inevitable. It simply means we have an opportunity to understand each other better.  

Our goal should always be to make decisions that will best serve our marriage and family. This creates a win - win situation. Here are some thoughts to consider to help us grow in this area:

• Try to maintain self control and keep anger in check.
• Try to see this as an opportunity to learn about why your mate sees things the way they do.
• Try to avoid the need to "win" or be "right". Instead, look for what's best. 
• Be careful with your words. Try to make sure not to say something you will regret later.
• Determine the importance of the issue to you...is it very important, somewhat important, or not very important?
• Try to determine the same from your mate.
• Do Christian discipleship principles enter into the decision making process? If so, they should take the lead.
• If it is less important to you than your mate and it is not going to violate any Christian value or cause any harm, then this is a great opportunity to show love to your mate by accommodating their desire...everybody wins.
• If you both feel strongly about conflicting plans of action, spend time discussing the pros and cons of each plan. Make sure to pray for guidance.
• It could be that a little of each plan will turn out to be the best plan of action. 
•  Stay engaged in the process until agreement is reached.   
• Make sure that love prevails. 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.