Develop an attitude of Gratitude!

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Col.3:15

With all of the Black Friday and Cyber Monday mayhem occupying center stage, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of being grateful for the truly valuable things in life.
As Christians, we believe that God carefully watches over us and every good and wonderful gift that comes into our lives is from Him. Therefore, it is fitting to acknowledge this and offer thanks to Him. The Bible commands us to make thanksgiving a big part of our relationship with God.

There are many benefits to having an attitude of gratitude. Here are a few:

1. Helps us praise God
2. Key aspect of prayer
3. Helps us escape self and love others
4. Brings joy in the midst of difficulty
5. Medical research shows that an attitude of gratitude helps us deal with stress better and produces better health and longer life

To receive the benefits from an attitude of gratitude we have to put forth real effort. Here are a couple of helpful ideas:

1. Make it a priority and focus on it  
2. Spend more time thinking about what you have than you spend on what you lack 
3. Identify your real blessings i.e. relationship with God, health, your mate, your children, and your gifts and talents
4. Remember, possessions may be nice, but they are temporal and start fading the moment you get them
5. Make it a point to stop complaining and start being thankful
6. God is very involved in your life, especially in the low moments. He is working a plan for your good and your thanksgiving in those times expresses faith and deepens your relationship with Him.

One of the most important areas that an attitude of gratitude is needed is in the area of marriage.  

In order to have a better marriage, we need to stop being focused on self and our unmet expectations and start being thankful for the mate God has given us!  

Marriages are much stronger in an environment of gratitude than an environment of complaints and demands.

To really explore the value of your mate, order your copy of our book by clicking on the sidebar and study the section titled, "Your real Treasure." 

  

Focus on an attitude of Gratitude this Holiday Season and see the benefits multiply in your family! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

    

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

The problem with getting what you want is...

The problem with getting what you want is that it can send a very bad message to your mate. Before I lose you, let me clarify. In our culture, self promotion, self rights, and self serving are glorified and held up as the greatest pursuit in life. However, these pursuits are harmful and destructive to a marriage. Every time we push and shove and fight to get our way at the expense of our mate, it sends our mate a message of rejection.
In Philippians 2:3&4, we are told to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vanity and pride, but rather we are commanded to pursue humility as we choose to place the interests of others above the pursuit of our own interests. If this is true as an attitude of Christian life in general, then how much more in the context of marriage and parenting.
Popular television shows preach the gospel of self serving, but the end result of that philosophy is pain and misery.
When we are fighting to get our way, we often fail to realize that if we win, our mate will feel the sting of rejection and question our love for him/her. Real love is thrilled to lift up the one we love. Self love is thrilled to lift up self regardless of how it affects those we love.
Experts say that rejection is the deepest wound that we can experience. Most of us spend big parts of our lives trying to overcome the rejection we have experienced and trying to avoid more. We all believe that marriage will bring us into a safe relationship where we will always feel loved, accepted, and never feel rejected. However, too many couples allow their marriage to become filled with conflict as they fight to get their way day after day. Too often, these seemingly harmless events chip away at the security in the marriage as each loss is viewed as a rejection. Soon the flame of love has turned to a glowing ember...or less.
The answer is to think about what would please your mate and do it...regularly as an act of love, appreciation, and acceptance. We need to spend less time thinking about the "only if's" that we think would make us happy and start thinking about what we can do to make our mate happy...and start doing it.
Yes, we won't feel like it. We will be too tired. It will be inconvenient. It will require some effort, but what could be better than making sure your husband/wife really knows that you love them and are thrilled to do something for them...more than getting something you want?!
It's time to remove the sting of rejection from your marriage!
Can you think of an area where you may have made your mate feel unloved and rejected? What can you do to bring healing and reassurance to him/her?
Will you do it?  When?

By the way, I am teaching our marriage class at Faith Assembly in Summerville for the next 7 weeks on Sunday evenings 6-7:30PM. I hope you can join us! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

  

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

Handle with Care!

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to go to Cuba on a missions trip. Downtown Havana was a real disappointing sight. It was clear that the buildings were constructed in beauty with architectural flair, but decades of neglect had turned them into a crumbling shadow of their former glory. It was a real shame.

It's odd how many of us allow our marriages to fall into disrepair simply because of neglect. I don't think anyone intends for this to happen, we just convince ourselves that we can work on our marriage later...right after we finish this to do list which is never satisfied. We assume that our marriage is well built and can withstand a little neglect without any adverse effects. So, we get pressured into neglecting the most important thing in order to take care of the most urgent things.

After our relationship with God, our marriage is the greatest treasure we have! Think about it, if we lose our marriage, everything we love will be negatively affected or destroyed. A successful marriage should be the highest priority to us. Your mate is your real treasure!

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to lose your mate? Two years into our marriage, my wife nearly died due to complications in the birth of our first son. As I waited in the hallway, I was overwhelmed by the importance she has in my life. Of course, many have lost a spouse and can tell you firsthand how devastating the loss has been. God created marriage so two people could help each other through life in ways that are too wonderful for words. It is such a shame when such a wonderful gift is lost simply due to neglect.

Neglect is a tricky foe. It always seems innocent, necessary, harmless, and justified, but a little too much and your treasure begins to slip away. The key is to shine up our treasure every day. Think about what you can do this week to shine up your husband/wife this week. How about some encouraging words, a small gift, some special task or help, an extra hug and kiss, or something else that says,"I love you" in a special way to your mate.

Now that you have a plan...make sure to act on it!

Remember...your mate is your real treasure in life...a gift from God to help you through life!

Don't let neglect tarnish your gift! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

Forsaking all others!

A few years ago, our nation was dragged into a public debate about the correctness of a married man, in this case, a national political figure, engaging in relational and sexual activity that allegedly stopped short of full intercourse with a woman who was not his wife. As the saga played out, the wife appeared to support her husband thus implying that this was acceptable to her. Folks all over the country began to ponder and debate this issue around water coolers and coffee pots throughout the land. Eventually, attention turned elsewhere and the political spotlight was trained on another issue. But this event had far reaching implications for our national moral compass which was already malfunctioning. Many of our citizens, including many teens and college age folks, came to the conclusion that certain sexual activities were permissible as long as they stopped short of full intercourse.In their minds, they had new experiences available to help them get close to the line without crossing it. This brought about a new level of promiscuity in our culture. These ideas even crept into the church community because either the church refused to join the debate in embarrassment or because the church failed to connect and make herself credible to her listeners.
This also ushered in a new wave of trouble for marriage...so called harmless flirting of Christian married folks with people other than their mate. I once had a lengthy debate with a group of Christians about this matter and was very shocked. The consensus was that it was perfectly permissible for married folks to engage in flirting as long as they did not take it to a level of romantic relationship building. Several of the women and men even volunteered the names of the people in the church that they enjoy flirting with and gave examples of how they like to flirt and why. I could not believe my ears!
Flirting is a behavior that is intended to help two people of the opposite sex bond together in a romantic manner. It should be completely  reserved for single folks who are looking for a mate. It is after all part of that process. The only other arena of life where flirting is appropriate is the ongoing flirtation between a married couple as they seek to keep the spark and tenderness in their marriage.
Flirting outside of the marriage is an attempt to get the euphoria that comes by being noticed and admired by someone of the opposite sex without the relational responsibilities that are inherent in a committed relationship. It is a practice that demonstrates self - centeredness.
One of the cornerstones of Christian marriage is the concept of forsaking all others to cling exclusively to our mate through good and bad times.
Everyone has an emotional tank that needs to be filled, but God's plan is that husbands and wives would be sensitive to each other and exert the necessary effort to keep their mate's emotional tank full. Security in the marriage relationship is built on this sense of deliberate exclusivity by both parties. No one wants to be in a marriage with someone who is constantly seeking attention from strangers.
To make matter worse, the attention derived from flirting with others often turns one's heart cold toward their mate who may not appear as exciting and attentive. That is part of the deceptive downward cycle.
Of course, the ultimate danger from this game is that the person you are flirting with is on the prowl for a partner and hooks you and lures you into a full blown adulterous relationship that devastates your marriage partner and children...it happens all the time. What started off as "harmless flirting" turns into something devastating.
As Christians, we should live free from flirtation with people outside our marriage. We should relate to others as brothers or sisters, not fountains of flirtation.
This week, put as much effort into flirting with your mate as you can muster...this is a good thing!

Consider Proverbs 5: 15-23

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

 

 Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do.

Win - Win

In every marriage, there is an ongoing need to come to a place of agreement over conflicting opinions and desires.
This is a normal part of marriage as two people who are very different learn to live life together.

Unfortunately, this process often stirs up a lot of misunderstanding, over-reaction, painful words and actions, hurt feelings, and too often leads to unforgiveness, grudges held, retaliation, and worse.

Many times, people begin to think that they have married the wrong person because the need for negotiating agreement is so frequent. This thought pattern often leads to a search outside the marriage for their "true soulmate"...which is a fantasy that does not exist.

The key is to grow in our approach to disagreement. As married people, we need to realize that difference of opinion and preference is inevitable. It simply means we have an opportunity to understand each other better.  

Our goal should always be to make decisions that will best serve our marriage and family. This creates a win - win situation. Here are some thoughts to consider to help us grow in this area:

• Try to maintain self control and keep anger in check.
• Try to see this as an opportunity to learn about why your mate sees things the way they do.
• Try to avoid the need to "win" or be "right". Instead, look for what's best. 
• Be careful with your words. Try to make sure not to say something you will regret later.
• Determine the importance of the issue to you...is it very important, somewhat important, or not very important?
• Try to determine the same from your mate.
• Do Christian discipleship principles enter into the decision making process? If so, they should take the lead.
• If it is less important to you than your mate and it is not going to violate any Christian value or cause any harm, then this is a great opportunity to show love to your mate by accommodating their desire...everybody wins.
• If you both feel strongly about conflicting plans of action, spend time discussing the pros and cons of each plan. Make sure to pray for guidance.
• It could be that a little of each plan will turn out to be the best plan of action. 
•  Stay engaged in the process until agreement is reached.   
• Make sure that love prevails. 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Cancelled

Cancelled is a word that can either be negative as in the case of something you were eagerly anticipating being cancelled due to some problem, or it can be very positive as in the case of being released from some burdensome obligation like a traffic ticket.

My parents own a country store. When I was growing up, many of the locals carried a small charge account. They would come in, purchase items, and we would write down the total owed on the tally sheet. Every week or two, they would come in and make payments and we would strike off the amounts paid. This part of the bill was cancelled ... paid ... finished...completed...never mentioned again...you get the idea. This is a picture of forgiveness.

Grudge holding, list keeping, and pay backs are like a cancer that eats away at marriage. No marriage can withstand the effects of these practices. In order to truly experience the blessing God intended the marriage relationship to bring, we have to practice the art of forgiveness. By the way,we get better at it the more we do it. 

If you take a few minutes to read Matthew 18:23-35, you will discover that forgiveness involves several key elements: 

• My mate has said or done something that is hurtful to me.
• I realize that I have hurt my mate also.
• We are both in need of forgiveness from each other.
• Holding grudges undermines our ability to be close.
• In order to have a life of love together, we must forgive each other and learn to be careful not to hurt each other in the future.
• My relationship with God is negatively affected by my refusal to forgive others...especially my mate.
• Forgiveness does not minimize the hurt...it maximizes my expression of love.

The question is not whether your mate deserves forgiveness. God made a way of forgiveness for all of us regardless of our worthiness. That is the pattern for forgiveness.
Give the gift of forgiveness to insure a long life of love!

 

Exercise for this week:

Are you holding a grudge against your mate?
What offense are you refusing to forgive?
How is the grudge effecting your relationship?
Is that what you want?
Choose to forgive and pull your marriage out of the nosedive.
Communication is the key to moving forward after forgiveness is given.  

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.