The tone in your home!

Have you noticed that there is a certain tone or mini culture everywhere we go? Places of business have a certain "feel" that is reflected in the way they treat customers and co-workers. Churches have a certain "feel" that can be detected right away. It is reflected by the way people relate to each other and newcomers. Schools have a mini culture. The truth is that nearly every group of people create a mini culture within their ranks. The driving force is heavily influenced by the leaders of the group.
Families also create a mini culture. I'm sure that you have visited families and noticed that some families are quiet, loud, respectful, disrespectful, close, detached, wasteful, frugal, expressive, stoic, self reliant, whiny, and the list goes on and on. The tone in the home should be set by the parents.
The tone in the home is a powerful shaping tool that will influence your children for a lifetime, either positively or negatively. After all, one of the big hurdles early in marriage is two people from homes with differing tones and customs learn to mesh together.
So the point is this, if we don't take time to choose the qualities that will make up the tone in our home, then negative qualities will creep in and take over....simply because we are people with flaws living in a fallen world and we must choose to daily overcome these effects.
This week, take some time with your spouse to discuss the tone you want to set in your home and relationship. May I suggest including the fruit of the Holy Spirit found in Galatians 5:22,23. I would like to suggest deciding to be a family that includes the gifts of love, joy, and laughter. Think of ways you can value each other in the day to day details of life.
When guests enter your home, what "feel" do you want to greet and overwhelm them? Enjoy taking time to choose and pursue these better things.

  For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Be a wife of real influence!

It seems to me that one of the issues that weighs heavily on the hearts of wives is the desire to influence their husbands and children to better things, especially to influence them toward a stronger commitment to Christ. The problem is that many of the tactics used seem to have the reverse effect causing much frustration and division in the home.
God has laid out a plan in 1 Peter 3:1-6 to help wives have real influence that will be embraced by her family! However, I must warn you that His plan will require a real leap of faith and a complete change of mindset.
Are you ready?
In chapter 2, He explains that in this world we(Christians) will be falsely accused of being evil and that we will suffer mistreatment and injustice by those in various places of authority. His command is to continue to do good and allow our godly lifestyle to eventually silence all evil talk. He points to Christ as our example of bearing up in righteousness when mistreated. Then, He begins to address the home.
The first statement He gives wives is to submit to their husbands. This term does mean to obey, but rather to live in a cooperative attitude. In Proverbs 21:9 we are told that a husband would rather live on a rooftop(homeless?) in peace than to live in a wonderful house with a wife who is quarrelsome. Husbands respond well to a warm cooperative attitude. We could spend a lot of time on this topic, but I think you get the point.
The next statement is a reference to the wife's lifestyle. The KJV uses the word conversation, but in the original the word refers to coming and going...lifestyle both in and out of the home. The lifestyle referred to here is one that is holy or free from defilement, cleansed, or pure. In other words, wives should be in a constant state of growing in the fruit of the Holy Spirit(as all believers should) and being a cooperative companion who fills the home with good qualities rather than complaining, demanding, and threatening. Husbands love a wife who is a "drama diffuser" rather than a "drama creator". A wife should be a source of peace and blessing in her home...even when things are not going great.

Then, He gives the outcome. The husband will see her how her very real relationship with Christ is making her into a wonderful person to be with and he will be won over without her saying a word to him!

This is the way for a wife to have real influence in her family! Godly influence!
It will take real faith to discard the "wisdom" of the world which accomplishes nothing positive in order to embrace the wisdom of God to bring real blessing to her family!

P.S. I am speaking to wives in average marriage situations. If you are in a marriage situation where your life is in danger due to a history of violence, you should take steps to protect your life and your children and figure out how to deal with the marriage with the help of a Pastor or Christian counselor.

  For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

What is a GQ wife?

In our current culture, women are encouraged to believe that the way to personal happiness and satisfaction in marriage is through focusing on self.The message encourages being vigilant in protecting and promoting self through the use of angry outbursts, harsh and profane words spewed out torrentially, threats of physical harm, nagging,complaining, and retaliation in order to force their husband to cower to their never ending list of desires. This message is flowing steadily from television shows (especially "reality" shows), movies about women who use ruthless means to get their way, and music celebrating the ways women can outmaneuver their man.
This is the world's wisdom for wives, but God has a different method. The world's suggestions leave a wife alienated and lonely. God has a plan for wives to find real satisfaction in the marriage relationship. God calls wives to become GQ wives. So, what is a GQ wife?
In 1Peter 3:4, wives are told that real beauty is found in a Gentle and Quiet disposition.
A wife with a gentle disposition brings a sense of peace and love into her home. This creates a sense of security for her husband and children because she has a stable, calming effect on everyone. Husbands love to be in the presence of a wife with a gentle, caring disposition.
Wives are also encouraged to develop a Quiet disposition. This does not mean quiet in terms of not speaking or speaking softly or having her opinions and ideas suppressed. Rather, this refers to a calm disposition. It literally means "to keep one's seat". In other words, to be calm and steady, not easily moved to a state of being upset. Certainly, wives should speak their mind, but with a calm disposition.This is the type of disposition that makes a husband love to spend time with her and brings security to the children.
A good public example of a GQ wife in current culture is Michelle Duggar of the television show 19 Kids and Counting.
The opposite of a GQ wife in current culture would be someone like Kate Gosslin of the television show Kate Plus Eight or Teresa Giudice from the television show The Real Housewives of Orange County.
To find real happiness, forsake the ideas of the world and embrace God's wisdom! 

Be a GQ wife!

Men, go to our facebook page: www.facebook.com/istilldo and enter a list of qualities you love and admire in a wife. 

                  

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

The measure of a man

As men, we are always trying to make sure our lives are adequate. Many men pursue this sense of adequacy through the pursuit of money and things, others seek fulfillment in business success and by obtaining power, some seek adequacy through the admiration of others, and there are many other ways offered by this world by which a man might be sure that his life is adequate and lasts after he is long gone.

I recently attended the funeral of a relative, Hugh Elliott, who entered my life at a critical point for me. I was struggling to make my way through Bible College and he graciously gave me a job and made sure I had enough hours to take care of my family. It was a great privilege for me to have daily interaction with him and his family for a couple of years. After graduation, I moved on and had little interaction with him. Even though we seldom saw each other for many years I always appreciated him and what he did for me. Not only, did he make a way for me to take care of my family, but he also shared some of his wisdom with me and I carry those nuggets today. 

On the surface, one would think that his life was filled with adequacy and satisfaction because he was very successful in business. However, at his funeral it became clearly obvious that his life was full because he was a man of character. He was one of those people who always tried to help others rather than look for a way to help himself at someone else's expense.

He made time to connect with his children and grandchildren and impart kindness and goodness to them. He influenced them in the things that really count. He loved their mother with a love that was very obvious even to casual observers.

At the end of his life, no one praised his business success, except to point out how he used it to help others. Those who knew him were lifted up by him. Those who knew him were made better by him. The real measure of a man is found in his character and his willingness to pour love into the lives of his family and friends.

Someday all of us will face the end of our lives. Now is the time to start doing what really counts.

• Open your heart to your wife and really love her...your children will be blessed.
• Take time to play with your children.
• Take time to get to know your children.
• Think of something you can do to make your children happy and do it...NO..I don't mean buying them something.
• Be a man a of character and explain that to your children as it affects your daily life so they can understand how that works in real life.

Real life is built on love not on things or the opinions of others!  

                  

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Real Leadership

Ever since Adam chose to step back and watch Eve eat the forbidden fruit rather than step forward and lovingly lead her away from the serpent's suggestion men have struggled to step forward in their families.

There was a terrible price for Adam's choice to step back. There is a price to pay today also. This price includes the loss of self respect, loss of the respect of our wives, negative consequences of wrong choices made by our children due to a lack of instruction, and sometimes negative consequences from wrong choices made by wives due to a lack of input from husbands. Our society is suffering because men are stepping back.

Men tend to step back for lots of reasons, but I suppose the most common are that they are led to believe that after giving their best at work they believe that they have earned a pass at home. The problem is that being involved in home life is the most important factor. Another reason men offer is that they want to avoid any conflict that their input might create so they sit idly by as their family struggles. Some men feel that they lack the spiritual understanding to offer solid Biblical counsel to their wives and children. I'm sure there are other reasons given, but these seem to be the most common.

The truth is that God has appointed the husband to provide spiritual leadership in the family. Make it your goal to get involved and step forward in your family to honor God and protect your family. Here are some helpful ideas:

• Strengthen your relationship with God through Bible reading, prayer, and Christian fellowship.
• Make it your practice to base all your choices and decisions on obedience to God's Word and leading.
• Make it a point to explain this process to your children. Include an explanation of right and wrong according to the Bible in any discipline administered. This helps them develop are solid decision making process for themselves. 
• Get involved emotionally with your wife. Pray with her and discuss God's will in your lives regularly.
• Make it a point to be a loving leader pointing the family toward God not a harsh dictator enforcing a set of rules.
• Strive to live what you teach and seek forgiveness when you fail.   

I once asked a group of men at church if they would step forward and intervene to keep their wives from going down a wrong road with terrible circumstances. Specifically, the terrible mistake was defined as participating in a gossip campaign that would destroy a woman in the church, disrupt her marriage and children, and create division in the church as it destroyed friendships. Nearly all of them said that they would look the other way rather than risk the fallout from intervening...avoiding the conflict was more valuable than avoiding the consequences of a terrible mistake (sin).  

The world, especially the church world is in desperate need of husbands who provide loving leadership.  

God has equipped us men, let's choose to step forward!                    

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Faint with love!

Wouldn't it be incredible if your wife was overwhelmed with love for you? Can you imagine if her love for you was so overwhelming that it made her woosy? Well, before you delete this in disbelief, at least hear me out. I'm not referring to a constant state of woosiness, but rather an overarching satisfaction and a steady warm, wonderful feeling toward you.

In Song of Songs, we have a contrast of the woman's experience with significant men in her life. First, in SOS1:6, her brothers related to her in anger and neglect. This left her feeling hurt, insecure, unloved and devalued.

Then, in SOS 2:3,4, she describes her experience with her soon to be husband. She says that he is like an apple tree. She loves to sit in his shade. Her brothers forced her out into the harshness of the hot,sweltering sun with no relief, but he provides shade for her and apples to nourish her. Not only that, but he has taken her to the banquet hall for a great feast to celebrate her presence in his life and has publicly declared his love for her. She has gone from mistreatment and lack of love to being cared for and heralded as the love of his life. All this has made her faint...woosy...with love for him!

I don't know about you, but that's how I want to be in the life of my wife. The question is,"How do we get there?"

First of all, we have all made terrible mistakes, so a good place to start is to identify those and determine to stop making those mistakes. Maybe some apologies would be in order if these mistakes have been left as gaping wounds in the relationship.

Next, ask her to tell you what makes her feel especially loved by you. Ask and listen, you might be surprised. Whatever she says...believe it...even if you don't understand it. Start doing those things.  

Next, be thoughtful of her and show your love for her when you are out in public (as well as in private). For example, hold her hand often, walk by her side not far up ahead, smile at her, minimize cell phone conversations when you are with her and pay attention to her.

Every day give her hugs and kisses, tell her how much you love her, tell her how pretty she is, and look her in the eye and tell her that you will never leave her.

These are some great ideas to start with. I'm sure you will think of many ways to build on this in your quest to make your wife "love to sit in your shade". Who knows, maybe she will have a few woosy moments too!

                  

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

The husband's challenge!

In Ephesians 5:25-33, there is an example given to guide husbands as they interact with their wives. The example is that of Jesus laying down His life in order to do what is best for His Bride, the church. The term "church" was not intended to refer to buildings or religious organizations. The term church here refers to every person who becomes a born again follower of Jesus. This is personal for every follower of Jesus. He is involved in your life and has a plan to accomplish what is best for you from an eternal viewpoint. He has paid a high price to free us from bondage to the kingdom of darkness and now He goes to a lot of trouble to walk with us and care for us and bring us to higher, better places in our relationship with Him and our service for Him. He watches over us and takes care of us. What a great feeling!

Likewise, husbands are to relate to their wives in the same way. Husbands should be loving, caring, and understanding as we relate to our wives. Husbands are not to dominate and control their wives, but instead we should love and cherish them with honor and dignity. We should lift them up.

I know some of you are already thinking of all the things you would like to do for your wife but can't due to some uncontrollable obstacle. Stop worrying about that and focus your thoughts on what you are able to do today and plan to do it.

Some are thinking of buying some extravagant gift. Do not get trapped into thinking that wives are only focused on gifts and material things. What she really wants is your heart. If you can't afford to buy things, don't get depressed about it. Focus on giving her love, affection, and kindness. Things come and go. Focus on what really matters...love.

At this point some might be tempted to respond,"but what about me?", but in God's plan, caring for the woman will bring great rewards. We are rewarded by the reciprocated love of the wife and by the blessing of God on our families. This is an opportunity to impact our children and grandchildren with a wonderful example that will fill our family line with blessing!

Like great men through the ages, we can follow Jesus and make a difference that will have a positive impact for generations!

                  

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Fan the flame without breaking the bank!

As I said last week, it is critical for married couples to put effort into keeping the flame of love and connection burning brightly. Without this effort, married life becomes dull, boring, monotonous, and difficult. For many, the lack of this attention to the flame brings a sense of loneliness. 

So I hope by now you have a plan for a special get away to focus on escaping the daily grind for a couple of days and focus on your mate during that time.

If you are thinking that this is out of reach due to a lack of money, let me offer a few ideas to help you. First of all, I'm sure you have seen the ads, yes they are annoying but try to get past that, for Priceline.com. In the past 6 months, we have used Priceline several times to save money and to be able to stay in much nicer places than we could have ever afforded. In our experience, we have been able to stay in 4 star super nice hotels for just $50.00 per night plus tax. These were incredible places. Ordinarily, I would have never even called these places because the rooms normally rent for over $175 per night. But, thanks to Priceline, we were able to afford it.  

Why plan a special getaway in a Motel 6 when you could stay at the Hilton for the same price or maybe less?! Believe me it makes a difference!

The key to Priceline is to select the "name your own price" option, then select 3 star or better and the area you want , then put in your price and wait to see if they accept it. If your offer is refused, then simply raise it a few dollars and try again. Also, it seems to work better if you don't try to schedule your room too far in advance. I suppose they are more willing to accept your offer if they are looking at empty rooms for your requested nights and it seems unlikely that they will get them rented. The down side is that once you secure the room, there is no refund. This is not a problem if you plan well.  

Obviously, you could send the kids to the grandparents and plan a special time at home for free, but somehow the daily grind and undone chores and home maintenance issues have a way of distracting you away from your mate.

Remember, the key to this is to set aside time to remember all the good and loveable qualities about the person you married. This is a time to focus on lifting up and enjoying your mate. Put some thought and effort into it. Don't simply plan to go out to eat and sit in silence. Don't default to simply watching television. This is not a time to have endless discussions about problems and challenges. This is a time for long walks, affection, hand holding, eye contact, silly jokes, hugs and kisses, uplifting words, love notes, expressions of thanks, and other good things. Make sure to forgive any grudges you have been holding before you leave home!

Every couple needs to do some form of this at least a couple of times every year.

Begin to anticipate a renewed connection today!  

                  

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.