Train up a child

            Being a parent is one of the most incredible aspects of the human experience. Sadly, many fail to see its importance, assuming that their children will be ok with a minimal investment of parenting. In Proverbs 22:6, we are told that we are to train our children in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it.  First of all, let me affirm that some who are great parents have wayward children who make bad choices. The prophet Samuel is one Biblical example. So my point is not to make parents of wayward children feel condemned. My purpose is to remind and encourage those of us who are rearing children to be vigilant and to seek effectiveness in our methods.

            Children are a sacred trust from God. In Malachi 2:15, we find that God’s plan is to perpetuate the knowledge of Him from parents to children to spread the knowledge of God from generation to generation. God’s desire is that we as parents would grow in our knowledge of Him and spread that to our children and grandchildren. The question becomes, “How do I do that?”

            The place to start is by role modeling. I don’t mean simply attending church and speaking Christian speak. I mean growing as a disciple of Christ daily. This is done by conforming our actions, words, attitudes, habits, deeds, and interpersonal relationships to the commands of Christ more and more each day. Galatians 5 and Colossians 3 give us a great list of qualities to turn away from and a list to replace them with. This is a process that is accomplished with a cooperation of our will/choices and the work of the Holy Spirit through prayer. Our homes should be filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and respect to name a few, not because we want to keep the church’s rules, but because we have been adopted as children of God and we want to blend into the nature and culture of our adoptive Father!

            Another important aspect is to tell your children the stories about your experience with God your Father. Do they know the details of your conversion experience? Do they know about the change that God has brought about in you? Do they know about the great answers to prayer in your life? Do they know about your discipleship growth struggles and triumphs? Have you shared your experience with God with them? They need to know that God is real and is making a real difference in your life.

            When our children misbehave, they all do it’s human nature, it is critical to connect their sinful behavior to Biblical principles. It doesn’t really help them to teach them to treat others well because it is the nice thing to do or because that’s what we expect. We should take them to the Golden Rule and teach them that Jesus expects us to treat others the way we want to be treated. Training is teaching. The question is, what is the foundation of our instruction? Anything other than God’s Word will eventually leave our children adrift to figure out how to live on their own rather than do it Mom’s way or Dad’s way. Teaching them to embrace God’s Word as the basis for all conduct in life will carry them into a real awareness of God’s presence in their lives. I believe this will equip our children to carry the knowledge of Jesus Christ as the full life giver to their generation and pass it on to the next generation.

Of course, they will make mistakes,that’s how we grow and learn. The key is that they will have a solid seed of eternity planted deep in them that will bear fruit for a lifetime. 

New things are stirring!

                                                                                                March 10,2013

Friends,

            The time has come for us share with you the things that God has been working in our lives. About 4 years ago, God began to speak to us about planting a church in the West Bank region of New Orleans. This is an area with a population of over 100,000 with only two viable AG churches. Hurricane Katrina destroyed about one half of the church in New Orleans, not just the buildings but also about one half of the ministry families left. Every aspect of the community suffered a great loss, including the Kingdom. God has a plan to restore His church there and bring a strong witness that will greatly impact this city that is in desperate need of a visitation of the Lord. We are amazed that God has called us to play a small part in His great plan for New Orleans.

           

            In the process of waiting for God’s timing, Pastor Larry asked us to consider helping with the Moncks Corner Campus start up. We prayed about it and felt that this was a door God opened for us as part of our journey. The past 20 months have been a wonderful season in our lives. We have enjoyed watching as God transformed this campus from a small group of a dozen into a stable, growing congregation of 60 on its way to many more. We have been greatly touched by your love, encouragement, and support. Thank you for accepting us and demonstrating so much love and grace to us. Your love and support have left a lasting mark on our lives.  Late last Fall, God began to impress upon us that our time at Moncks Corner was nearing an end and the time to start the work in New Orleans is drawing near. Since then, we have seen Him confirm this in several ways. Our last Sunday here with you will be March, 24^th, Palm Sunday.

            Regarding this campus, it is important that you all hold steady and stay focused on God’s plan to build a great work here that offers hope, salvation, and healing to this community. God has great opportunities in store for you here. Pastor Craig Butler will be serving as the Moncks Corner Campus pastor until a full time pastor can be located. God has great things in store for Moncks Corner!

           

We hope that you will continue to pray for us as we embark on this new journey of faith. We do not have an exact moving date, but we anticipate moving by mid April. We believe that this step of faith will result in God opening every door. Please pray that God will send a buyer for our home. Please pray that God will establish an income for us in New Orleans as we get this project kicked off. Please pray that God will help us raise our required start up budget of $15,000 plus the moving budget of $4,000.00. Thank you for your prayers.

We have been blessed more than we can express in our service with you,

Sam and Angie Elliott

For marriage only

It seems that since the fall of mankind in the Garden of Eden, God's enemy, Satan, has been exploiting human sexuality to bring pain and devastation to multitudes all the while extolling this effort as "real freedom" and "real fun". This has been so successful partly because the church has either been silent or has misrepresented God's view on this subject as detailed in the Bible. One of my goals with this space is to offer thought provoking, biblical principles in a concise, easy to read format so I will only be able to hit the highlights. For a more in depth study, order a copy of I Still Do, A Guide for the Marriage Journey ISBN  978 1 60957 156 6.
Let's look briefly at God's plan for sex in the beginning to try to gain insights into this controversy. In the first three chapters of Genesis, we see that God created the Heavens and Earth. In His creation of the vast animal kingdom, God included a means of procreation. Most of these species procreate by some means of sexual union. He surveyed His creation, including the procreation process, and declared it to be good. Adam was the only created being that had no mate and no way to reproduce. In a later event, God created Eve to be Adam's companion.It seems that one reason God made this a separate event was to emphasize the fact that human sexuality is different, more special, from that of the rest of creation. The creatures of the animal kingdom were driven by instinct to mate for reproductive purposes, however human sexuality is sacred and is to be practiced carefully.
In the Biblical account, Genesis 2:22-24 says..."Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man...For this reason, a man will leave his Mother and Father and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were naked and felt no shame." The most glaring observation here is that God created them as sexual beings with the capacity for emotional connection, attraction, and made them with a capacity to derive great pleasure from their sexual interaction. Their sexuality was not merely instinct driven for the purpose of reproduction. Human sexuality was created to be so much more...a mysterious intermingling of bodies and souls...oneness.
In the law God gave Moses(Deuteronomy 22), He made it plain that sexual activity was to be restricted to the marriage relationship. The popular, modern idea is that this command was put in place to restrict the fun and adventure of humans. However, this is far from the truth. God put this restriction in place to protect mankind from the consequences of the misuse of sex such as: devastating rejection, insecurity, fear found in lack of commitment, abandonment, unwanted pregnancies, abortion, infanticide, disease, incest, rape, and a host of other destructive things that are rooted in the misuse of sex. Today in America, our prisons are full of angry, confused young men who carry the wounds of an absent or abusive Father and a promiscuous Mother and our welfare rolls are filled with desperate young women who thought they could find fulfillment in the arms of an uncommitted man. God's standards were not to steal the fun from sex, but rather to protect the fun He intended it to be by shielding men and women from the devastating consequences of sex outside of marriage. The negative outflow of effects in our culture that have been produced by the abandonment of Biblical standards concerning marriage, sex, and family vividly illustrate the importance of returning to Biblical standards regarding these issues.
My point is that God created human sexuality to bring emotional, mental, relational, and physical pleasure to the relationship between a husband and wife that will last a lifetime. There is nothing dirty or shameful about it in that context. Married couples should make this aspect of their relationship a priority, especially during times of difficulty. This is a great gift carefully planned and created by God to be enjoyed by all married couples. If you have this on the back burner in your relationship, why not start bringing it to the front burner?

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What do you want?!

Conflicts are a natural part of relationships because everyone approaches life a little differently. In a lifelong relationship like marriage, it is crucial for both partners to learn to understand each other and learn to work together to help each other make it through the ups and downs of life. Effective conflict resolution is a vital part of a successful marriage, yet this is an area that is seldom discussed with couples until there is a crisis in the marriage.

Most conflicts are started when one marriage partner expresses dissatisfaction with some aspect of the relationship to the other partner. It seems that this is usually filed as an accusation and often accompanied with a question about the love and commitment in the relationship. Normally, the exchange is filled with hurt that is expressed in anger. Too often, this initial expression is returned with more anger, accusations, and hurtful retaliations. Many times this exchange escalates to a place of frustration on the part of both and eventually one or both will simply stop talking and the issue is left to simmer in silence. This creates distance and coldness in the relationship where neither is giving or receiving the things needed in a healthy relationship. A downward cycle of withholding good and dishing out little "jabs" is now set in motion. A terrible undercurrent now overshadows a once happy marriage. Misery is eclipsing joy.

Here are some ideas to help resolve conflicts in a healthy manner:

1. Have a clear goal.                                             Before expressing  dissatisfaction in the relationship, think through the issues until you are clear on the main problem. Often, these conflicts are started without a clear goal to be addressed and the end result is a frustrating exchange of anger about a variety of subjects with no real solution being discussed. Know what you want before start!
2. Talk only to your mate (or the person involved if this is a non-marriage conflict) never talk to others about your disappointments in the relationship. Go to the person with whom you have the conflict.The Bible, Matthew 18:15-16 
3. Choose your words carefully. Remember that this is the most important person in your life and words have power to heal and reconcile as well as the power to hurt and divide.
4. Refuse to allow anger to overpower you. Control your anger, don't allow it to control you.
5. Be prepared to compromise. Somewhere between what you want and what your mate wants is what is best for your marriage. Be prepared to look for that and accept it when you find it.  
6. Treat your mate like a partner not an enemy. Be careful not to accuse your mate of evil intent. Most unmet needs are unintentional. 
7. Resist the temptation to a knee-jerk reaction to your mate's initial resistance to your expression. Lovingly lead your mate to a calm discussion without making him/her feel attacked. Try to talk about your needs rather than your mate's failure to meet those needs and his/her possible motives for  failing to meet your needs.
8. Choose the best time and place to create the best possibility for a good outcome. When you are angry and your mate is tired or busy or in the middle of something is not the best time. Consider scheduling an appointment to discuss it.
9. Plan ahead to be kind, patient, humble, and willing to forgive. After all, the goal is change and improvement not anger ventilation, mate bashing, and arguing.
10. Be willing to admit your own faults and shortcomings and be willing to do better yourself. Ask your mate how you could better meet his/her needs. 
11. Make sure that once the matter is discussed and a solution is agreed upon that you move forward together helping each other carry out the solution.

  "... Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." The Bible(NIV version), James1:19,20  

A few questions to ponder: 

Are you locked in gridlock with your mate?

Do you know what to do to resolve this?

Will you do it?   When?

If you don't know what to do, will you ask and listen?

Will you work WITH your mate to find workable solutions?  

Remember, choosing to put the needs, wants, and preferences of your mate ahead of your own is not a loss, it is a great expression of love! 

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Staying together when life is pulling you apart

I have found that most people,especially couples, are unprepared to deal with the changes and difficulties that come throughout life. Because they don't have a plan to help them stay together in rough waters, they often drift apart when the waters of life begin to crash over them. Some of the most common trials that face couples are pregnancy, the responsibilities of small children, the challenges of teenagers, financial stress, job loss, sickness, sickness of a child, aging, the empty nest, and the difficulties of caring for aging parents. These are events that are beyond our control. They require us to step up and face difficult realities and make significant adjustments in our plans and daily routines. Many times these circumstances bring long periods of stress, emotional ups and downs, and exhaustion. They also carry with them increased financial demands that frequently take away from time available to be together as one or both seek to earn more money to pay for this new challenge. It is in this environment that couples often begin to turn on each other, neglect each other, and begin to associate the stress with their mate. These are seasons in life that drive many couples to the divorce courts.
The reality is that divorce is not the best answer. Unless you are married to a habitual cheater or an abuser, divorce does not solve anything, it simply increases the pain.and adds new challenges. In our book, I Still Do, A Guide for the Marriage Journey, we devote a chapter to helping couples count the real cost of divorce. When couples get divorced, it has a negative effect on everyone in your circle of  friends and family. The children will spend the rest of their lives trying to get over it. Every special day will be saddened by the reality that the family is broken and now everyone must try to determine how to include and relate to step parents and step children. Someone or both will have to move which will involve new schools, new neighbors, new friends, less contact with former close friends and family, new church, and maybe a new job. If financial stress was the driving force behind the decision to divorce, the result will be even less money and even more bills since the divorce costs are high. Loneliness will now take a significant place in everyone's heart.
The best plan is to work to stay together. After all, marriage is about two people promising to help each other through life. Here are a few helpful hints to help you stay together when the waters of life get rough:

• Refuse to play the blame game. In most cases, determining blame does not solve problems, it simply hurts feelings and creates emotional distance.
• Be ready to forgive and look for solutions.
• Be gracious. Under stress, none of us is at our best so give your mate the slack that you hope he/she will give you.
• Stop insisting that your mate respond to the stressful events the way you respond. Listen and ask questions to better understand their thought process and concerns. This brings closeness whereas insisting that your mate respond as you do brings conflict and distance in the relationship.
• Learn to work together to help each other through life. "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up".The Bible NIV version Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.
• Revoke the permission you might have given yourself to vent your anger and frustration on your mate. Determine to exercise self control and treat your mate the way you would like to be treated.
• Make a point of saying kind, complimentary things to your mate regularly.
• Dream about how good life will be once this has all been worked out.
• Pray for each other.
• Make time to be together without talking about the trouble.
• Make some light-hearted moments.
• Enjoy the children in your life. There is nothing like a child's perspective to lift a troubled heart.
• Remember, God is with you and has a plan to help you through.
• Use this situation to examine your heart and look for opportunities to learn and grow.

My wife and I have been through many rough stretches of water and have learned the value of helping each other rather than turning on each other. I hope these things we have learned along the way will be helpful to you in your journey.

Avoid the straw that broke the camle's back

"The straw that broke the camel's back." This is a saying that has its roots in an ancient Arab proverb and many believe entered our world of idioms when Charles Dickens popularized the proverb in his book, Dombey and Son. This idiom simply means that even as a camel, though able to carry burdens up to one thousand pounds, has a limit on how much it can bear, we have limits also. We can endure a lot of stress and difficulty, but when loaded fully, it seems that one more small thing can make our load too much and break us.

This idea is also portrayed in the Bible in Song of Songs 2:15. "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom" NIV.
In this ancient love song, the man is urging his beloved to guard the vineyard of their love for each other which is in full bloom from the little foxes that try to undermine and destroy the relationship like small foxes destroy grape vineyards. Small foxes destroy the grape harvest by eating the fruit and destroying the roots of the vines thus destroying the current harvest and future harvests.

I have found this to be true in marriages too. Many times couples will allow hurts, unresolved conflicts, and resentments to build up in their relationship. This accumulation begins to create a negative cycle of hurt, isolation, and pulling away in the relationship. Unfortunately, there comes a time when one partner will reach his/her capacity and when one more little hurt is placed on him/her it will cause a major blow up in the relationship that is often the death blow to the relationship.

The solution is quite simple, don't allow yourself to get loaded up with offenses in the first place. Everyone has opportunities to be upset with the person to whom they are married. Every marriage is made up of two people who are very different. There are the basic male/female differences. There are family background differences that effect our traditions of engaging life and our child rearing philosophy. There are differences that come from varying educational backgrounds. There are personality differences. There are temperament differences. The list of possibilities is great.

Our problem is not formed by the differences. To summarize a complex process, our problem occurs because of our response to the differences. Many times, we fail to understand our mate's point of view and rather than investing the effort to understand, we discount their point of view as inferior to ours and then try to find a way to appease while we are irritated under the surface. This is how irritations accumulate. Every time we take this route a new irritation is accrued. These seem small and harmless at the time, but with each addition the weight of hurt, irritation, and disrespect grows. When both partners respond this way back and forth, it creates a terrible, negative cycle.

A better way is to unload yourself by choosing to grow in the practice of the following:

•   forgive your mate and let it go 
•  choose to acknowledge that your mate is a wonderful person who has many positive things to contribute to you and to your marriage
•  stop focusing on being smarter or better  
• stop focusing on being right all the time  
• learn to cheer your mate on to victories  
• acknowledge the ways your mate has provided qualities that you lack that have benefited you
• finally learn to be thankful for your mate and express it daily
• remember, your mate has far more positive qualities than negative 

Growing in these practices will provide a fence that will keep even the smallest foxes out of your marriage!

Don't let the small things break your marriage!

 

  

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Companion Comfort!

 There are some things that are just plain comforting, often for no apparent real reason, like a sunrise after a long, stressful night at the hospital with an ailing loved one. The sight of a flickering fire in the fireplace is another. The roar of the surf is another mysterious comforter. As humans, we instinctively know that this world is filled with stressful, disappointing seasons and we crave things that bring us comfort to see us through these times.

One of the most powerful sources of comfort comes to us through companionship. Companionship is found by sharing life with someone with whom we have a deep bond. While this can be experienced with parents or friends, the most powerful companionship experience is found in marriage. Sadly, many married couples have workable arrangements, but lack real companionship. According to everydayhealth.com, studies conducted at Brown University by Dr. Scott Haltzman showed that companionship in marriage has many health benefits. The study revealed that being in a healthy marriage reduced the mortality rate of average 45 year old women by 50% and greatly increased the odds of average 48 year old men living to age 65 from 65% to 90%. The study also found that a man in a healthy marriage who has heart disease is expected to live 4 years longer than an unmarried man with heart disease. According to this study, cancer treatment is up to 17% more effective on people who are in a healthy marriage. The study revealed that unmarried people were 9 times more likely to experience bouts of major depression. The study also found that divorce/separation more than doubles the risk of suicide among men. Like our craving for water to sustain life, we crave companionship to find overall well being.

In the Bible, in the book of Song of Songs, we find a poem about two lovers who were enjoying the thrill of a growing romantic relationship. Most couples can remember the excitement of finding a romantic interest who returned this interest. The escalation of the relationship from acquaintance to boyfriend/girlfriend is euphoric just like the escalation described in the Song of Songs. Sometimes, couples get so caught up in the euphoria and the plans for a wedding and beyond that they neglect to foster and care for the most important element of a healthy marriage...companionship. I have been shocked to realize that many married couples know so little about the history and thought process of their mate. Many times, a person will share details of their life in a coaching session with us and their mate of many years is blown away to realize that they never shared this with each other.

In the Song of Songs, the two lovers use a Hebrew word, rea(riyah), in referring to each other. This word illustrates a progression in the relationship. This word is used to express companionship in many types of relationships including the marriage relationship. According to Vine's Complete Dictionary of Old Testament Words, this word refers to a close friend with whom one shares confidences. In the marriage application, this refers to knowing, loving, accepting, and appreciating your partner completely. Many couples only know each other as they were at some time in the past when they were more connected and putting more effort into the relationship. The problem with this is that people continue to grow and companionship can be lost or the couple can "grow apart". Some couples never know each other beyond the sexual attraction. Some couples are crippled by a fear of really opening up to each other. Some couples never really experience companionship because they are so focused on themselves that they fail to open up to experience aspects of their mate's life that they don't understand.There are many reasons. The lack of growing companionship often leads to a breakdown in the relationship and a temptation to seek companionship outside the marriage. This is destructive and does not deliver the answer that is sought. The answer is to start today to cultivate companionship in your marriage. Here are some helpful hints:

• Start by agreeing to develop deeper companionship
• Decide to confide your history and life story with your mate
• Decide to confide your hopes, dreams, and aspirations with your mate
• Decide to confide your disappointments and fears with your mate
• Confide your plans to grow as a person with your mate
• Confide your high moments and low moments with your mate
• Develop common interests and hobbies...do things together that appeal to you both.
• Be careful with the things that your mate confides in you...never share them with anyone else.
• Encourage and celebrate your mate

Find the comfort of companionship!  

 

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Chase away insecurity

 Recent articles in USA Today.com and psychcentral.com tell of a study that indicates that people who are insecure in  relationships are at an increased risk for cardiovascular disease, chronic headaches, neck and back pain, and other serious conditions. The study concedes that there are many other contributing factors and much more research needs to be done to reach conclusive results, however I think we all agree from experience that relational insecurity is a terrible state of being that creates a lot of stress and heartache. Marriage is supposed to be a cure for loneliness and insecurity, but many couples journey through difficult times that are filled with insecurity. It is important to learn to chase insecurity from your marriage.

In the Bible is a book called the Song of Songs. It is a beautiful love song between two lovers that gives us a beautiful picture of the beauty of married love. In SOS, 1:5-11, we find a great exchange between this couple that is a beautiful pattern to help us chase insecurity away. The young king, Solomon, has been out in the countryside looking over his flocks and livestock and has met a young woman whose family rents a vineyard from him. She is beautiful and he is drawn to her. They quickly fall deeply in love and he asks her to marry him. He sends her to Jerusalem, the capital city,  to the palace to prepare for the upcoming wedding(things worked very differently in that culture). Upon arrival, she sees the wealthy, pampered daughters of the Jerusalem elite who are all vieing to become the king's bride. She stands out in stark contrast. She has been forced to work in the vineyard with the men while these beauties have been shielded from the harsh sun and have pampered their skin with oils and expensive lotions. Her hands are calloused and show the wear of hard labor. She has not been trained in all the social graces of the royal court. She is truly the odd girl out and her insecurities are raging as she awaits the return of Solomon. Not only that, but it seems that her Father had died and her brothers were leading the family and had chosen to mistreat her. She was insecure because of her family background. To make matters worse, her beloved was away and her insecurities were amplified by his absence. Eventually, the insecurities overwhelm her and she goes out into the countryside to look for him to calm her heart. As she is going from shepherd camp to shepherd camp looking for him she becomes afraid that this will cause her to become associated with the women of the day who belonged to no man and went about from encampment to encampment and were considered to be prostitutes (veiled women). She was concerned about her reputation, but her desperate need for reassurance in the relationship drove her on. Eventually, she found him and he chased away her insecurities. In doing so, he creates a wonderful pattern for husbands to follow in order to chase away the insecurities of their wives:

1. He greeted her by reassuring her of her beauty. She needed to know that she was beautiful to him...even though her beauty was different from those in the city.
2. In comparing her to one of Pharoah's mares, he was saying that she was the rarest of the rare in beauty and worthiness. Pharoah's chariots were legendary in the ancient world and the stallions that pulled them were rare and exquisite. To have a mare join their ranks was so rare and magnificent that it would be legendary. He reassured her of her worthiness to be the queen.
3. He adorned her face and neck with beautiful, expensive jewelry. Jewelry draws the eye of the beholder. He was drawing attention to these features that she was insecure about and declaring them to be especially beautiful to him.
4. Jewelry also indicates sacrificial love and devotion and ownership or belonging to someone(like a wedding ring). He adorned her with expensive symbols of his love and devotion to her and sent her back to Jerusalem with tangible, obvious symbols of his love and affection for her. She belonged to him and he belonged to her.  
5. As husbands, we can chase away our wives' insecurities by reassuring her of her beauty to us (never compare her with others), reassuring her of our appreciation of her strengths, ideas, gifts, and talents, and by being very open and demonstrative about our love for her in front of others.

Ladies, you can chase away your husband's insecurities by simply letting him know that you appreciate him, letting him know what you admire about him, by showing him affection, and by doing things with him.

Chase Insecurities away! 

 

Order your copy of I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.  ISBN 978 1 60957 156 6

This 14 week daily devotional will help you focus on improving your marriage!

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Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!