Keep Going!

I recently read that the USA has the highest divorce rate in the world. Sri Lanka has the lowest if you're wondering. According to this report on divorce statistics in the US, 41% of all first marriages end in divorce, 60% of all second marriages end in divorce, and 73% of all third marriages end in divorce.

Regardless of your past, I hope you will do everything possible to make sure to keep your current relationship in tact and growing in love. The collapse of a marriage has very painful effects on both marriage partners, all children involved, in laws, extended family, friends, and church family.

 

If you are thinking of divorce, you should get a copy of our book and study the checklist of possible "after divorce" decisions that will have to be made. This is not a light decision and the outcome is never as painless as people think.

 

.........Love always perseveres.......... 1 Corinthians 13:7

 

Everything valuable and meaningful in life requires perseverance. No matter what goals you choose in life, you will have to persevere through difficulties, disappointments, doubts, delay, and many other trials to achieve your goals. This certainly is true of a successful marriage, which should be the foremost goal of any married person. I have attended and officiated many funerals and I can tell you that while a person's accomplishments may be mentioned, the thing that matters most is the depth of their relationships. We are remembered and missed more for the love we gave than for the things we did or things we bought.

 

The point for this week is that a key to a successful marriage is to stay engaged through the obstacles. Make a decision to refuse to ponder the idea of divorce as an escape hatch when the going gets tough. Remember that you and your mate need to help each other through tough times. Resolve not to make the tough times worse by turning on each other.

Be sure not to threaten or even think about divorce. Sometimes the best solution is the simplest thing. Stay put! Love never gives up!

 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

Have you become a puppet?

Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self control. Proverbs 25: 28  

In our modern culture, we have perfected the concept of blame shifting. We excuse our bad behavior by claiming that someone else did or said something that forced us to behave or speak in a manner that is harmful, illegal, or simply embarrassing. Even in our court system verdicts are often affected by the idea that the actions or words of the victim somehow forced the defendant to respond as they did.

We entertain ourselves with so called reality shows that are mostly built on the yelling, screaming, angry outbursts, vengeful plots, malicious gossip, and other bad behavior of the participants.  It seems that the person acting badly always hides behind the argument that they simply “had to” respond that way because of the words or actions of the others involved. Our culture is saturated with this rationale. There are quite a few problems, however with this line of thinking.  This argument did not help Adam and Eve as they tried to justify their failures by shifting the blame. Adam tried to blame Eve and indirectly tried to blame God, but in the end he was responsible for his actions. Eve tried to shift the blame to the serpent, but in the end she was responsible for her actions. We, too, are ultimately responsible for our actions and choices.

In marriage, couples try to blame their mate for their own bad behavior or hurtful words. But the truth is that we are each in control of our choices regardless of what anyone else does. If someone chooses to commit adultery, inflict physical harm on their mate, or say horribly hurtful things to their mate it is no one else’s fault and there is no justification for such things. When a retaliatory pattern settles into a marriage hurtful things are sure to follow. The key is to choose what kind of marriage partner you will be regardless of what your mate chooses. The fact is that we are not puppets. Many think it would be fun to have a free pass in life for all our bad behavior, but there are no free passes. There are rewards and consequences for all of our words and actions.

The next time someone acts poorly toward you, remember that is time for you to put your choices to the test, if you respond like them, then you are becoming a little more like them. We need to think about the kind of person we want to be and choose our response carefully. It’s time to stop handing control over to someone else and saying to them, “Here, you control me for a few minutes. Go ahead, make me act and speak in a way that is completely embarrassing and possibly harmful!” In order to grow as a person, a Christian disciple, and a marriage partner and parent, we have to exercise self control. Without self control, our life is like an unprotected city vulnerable to all kinds of harm. The puppet in this video is entertaining, but remember, we are not puppets.

Love or Fear?

In 1 John 4:18 we read that perfect love drives out all fear and if we are afraid to love then we need to grow in our practice of love.
I have found that many married people are afraid to truly love their mate. Before you run away in doubt, let me explain. Often, couples measure out loving acts to each other based on their expectation of a favorable return. In short, they are afraid that they might open their heart to their mate and get a less than favorable response so they live very guarded...desperately trying to protect themselves. They practice this difficult balancing act of giving out some love while holding back enough to feel protected.
Eventually, this leads to a cycle of giving less and receiving less and giving less and so on until both are feeling unloved and unwilling to continue on. It's at this point of deadlock where they realize that instead of growing in love they have grown in fear and now their relationship is in jeopardy.
The point is that love is completely open and ready to give. Love is willing to endure difficulty for the other. Love is ready to deny self for the other. Love is ready to put the needs of the other first. Love is focused on lifting up the other. Love does not set limits of service. Fear is unwilling to do any of this. Fear is focused on self. Fear demands that self is satisfied and comfortable. Love communicates its needs and gives mercy. Fear keeps a list of unmet expectations and pouts and retaliates. Love and fear can't grow together in a relationship. One will overtake the other and that will control the relationship.
The point is that a lifelong marriage is built on growing love and the eviction of fear. So, how do we grow in love? The answer is quite simple. The way we grow in love is to approach those times of personal sacrifice for the benefit of our mate with a good attitude of generosity and love rather than complaining and making a note to make sure the deed is reciprocated. In fact, students of love look for ways to put their mate's needs and wants above their own for the sheer joy of lavishing love on them. As students of love, we have to go after opportunities to bless our mate with no expectations or demands. The best time for this is found on those days when your mate is feeling bad or depressed or distracted. These are prime opportunities to deny self and lift up our mate. Overcome your disappointment with acts of love carefully chosen to give. This is how we grow in love and evict fear from our marriages! This is how God loves us!

Grow in Love and Evict Fear!

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

Guard that Mouth!

All of us have had trouble with what comes out of our mouths. James 3 tells us that our tongues cannot be tamed any more than a lion could be tamed. Lions and tongues can be controlled, but never tamed. They both need a cage around them to keep others safe!
The words that we speak have the power to build up those around us or to tear them down. So, it is critical for us to be careful to pay attention to what we say. We need to ask God to help us guard what we say.
A great place to start is by focusing on Ephesians 4:29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
What a great idea for marriage! Somehow, when we get married, we give ourselves permission to ventilate the frustrations and disappointments we feel directly at our mate. Too many marriages are hurting or falling apart because of hurtful words being thrown around carelessly. If you have given yourself permission to speak to your mate in a way that tears them down, hurry, revoke it and reverse it today before more damage is done!
We are all guilty to some degree. Today is a great day to realize that our words really matter. Since they really matter, we should choose them carefully. Make it your goal to stop hurling hurtful words at your mate. Then, start building deeper love by choosing to lavish your mate with beneficial, helpful words that build up and encourage your mate. This is a great habit to develop!
At Faith, we have been studying the 40 Days of Love by Rick Warren and in it I found a helpful tip that I want to share with you. Before speaking consider the following:
 
T- is it the truth?
H- is it helpful?
I- is it inspirational? Does it build up?
N- is it necessary?
K- is it kind?

If we grow in our practice of these criteria as we speak to our mate and children we would see our marriages and families burst with the new growth of love!
Build up...don't tear down!

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

Check out past articles at www.abettermarriage.blogspot.com  

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

Pursuing Happiness

Happiness is a mysterious thing. I have met people in third world countries who had no idea where their next meal was coming from who were bubbling over with joy and thanksgiving. On the other hand, we have all read the reports of the Hollywood crowd who seem to have all the money, privilege, opportunity, and beauty in the world, yet are so miserable that their lives are filled with  substance abuse, infidelity, and self destructive behaviors. This is indeed a mystery because we tend to think that happiness is the guaranteed end result of success and prosperity.
One of the leading causes of marital breakdown is the belief that one's mate is no longer making them happy. Too often, people buy in to the idea that if you are not happy, then the best solution is to dissolve the marriage and go out looking for that someone who can create happiness. Can someone really create long term happiness for another person or are we responsible for our own happiness? It is certain that people and things can spur short term bursts of happiness, but real long term happiness is something that must come from within. Too many spouses live under the pressure of having to be a fountain of happiness for their mate or risk having their mate leave them. This is an unfair requirement and no one likes living under this kind of pressure.
So, the question is, what can we do to foster happiness within our own hearts?  In Ecclesiastes 3:1-13, we find some helpful hints:

• Realize that the season you are now in will pass. Don't give up hope for better circumstances in the future. Life is a progression and your circumstances will change...work to make sure the change is positive.
• Find the beauty and wonder in life and creation as you enjoy or endure your current circumstances. Make sure to appreciate the good qualities and gifts that your mate possesses...complaining is easy. Where's the virtue in that?
• Remember that God has made us for eternity. Make it a point to grow in your relationship with God during all seasons. In unhappy seasons, remind yourself that God loves you and has a plan to work all this for your good. Choose to be thankful that Heaven is your home if you know Christ and begin to look forward to it.
• Be happy. That's right, choose to find some way to bring a lift to those around you. Learn to be silly or funny. Make your mate smile. Loosen up and stop taking yourself so seriously.
• Do good. Choose to stop focusing on how unhappy you are and start choosing to do something good for others...especially your mate.
• Find the joy in work. God gave us the ability to take pride in and find satisfaction in the expression of our talents, abilities, and labor. Enjoy accomplishment.
• Appreciate the simple things. There is great pleasure available in the simplest of things, like a meal. When was the last time you really appreciated the ability to taste and savor food? Many of us get in the habit of multi-tasking while we wolf down a meal without even noticing how wonderful it is to be able to taste and enjoy. Enjoy this God given pleasure...it will bring a smile.

If you feel unhappy, the answer is not in demanding that your mate be a better "happy machine". Obviously, you and your mate should discuss things you can do to make each other happier and more fulfilled, but the real source of happiness has to come from our relationship with God and flow out through us to help others, especially our mate. All of this searching for happiness in all of the wrong places is creating deep pain throughout our culture.

By the way, I am teaching our marriage class at Faith Assembly in Summerville for the next 7 weeks on Sunday evenings 6-7:30PM. I hope you can join us! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

  

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

The problem with getting what you want is...

The problem with getting what you want is that it can send a very bad message to your mate. Before I lose you, let me clarify. In our culture, self promotion, self rights, and self serving are glorified and held up as the greatest pursuit in life. However, these pursuits are harmful and destructive to a marriage. Every time we push and shove and fight to get our way at the expense of our mate, it sends our mate a message of rejection.
In Philippians 2:3&4, we are told to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vanity and pride, but rather we are commanded to pursue humility as we choose to place the interests of others above the pursuit of our own interests. If this is true as an attitude of Christian life in general, then how much more in the context of marriage and parenting.
Popular television shows preach the gospel of self serving, but the end result of that philosophy is pain and misery.
When we are fighting to get our way, we often fail to realize that if we win, our mate will feel the sting of rejection and question our love for him/her. Real love is thrilled to lift up the one we love. Self love is thrilled to lift up self regardless of how it affects those we love.
Experts say that rejection is the deepest wound that we can experience. Most of us spend big parts of our lives trying to overcome the rejection we have experienced and trying to avoid more. We all believe that marriage will bring us into a safe relationship where we will always feel loved, accepted, and never feel rejected. However, too many couples allow their marriage to become filled with conflict as they fight to get their way day after day. Too often, these seemingly harmless events chip away at the security in the marriage as each loss is viewed as a rejection. Soon the flame of love has turned to a glowing ember...or less.
The answer is to think about what would please your mate and do it...regularly as an act of love, appreciation, and acceptance. We need to spend less time thinking about the "only if's" that we think would make us happy and start thinking about what we can do to make our mate happy...and start doing it.
Yes, we won't feel like it. We will be too tired. It will be inconvenient. It will require some effort, but what could be better than making sure your husband/wife really knows that you love them and are thrilled to do something for them...more than getting something you want?!
It's time to remove the sting of rejection from your marriage!
Can you think of an area where you may have made your mate feel unloved and rejected? What can you do to bring healing and reassurance to him/her?
Will you do it?  When?

By the way, I am teaching our marriage class at Faith Assembly in Summerville for the next 7 weeks on Sunday evenings 6-7:30PM. I hope you can join us! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

  

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

The greatest gift of love.

We know that love inspires us to give gifts as an expression of our love, so we should choose our gifts carefully. What is the greatest gift of love? Many would say diamonds, jewelry, extravagant trips, chocolate, flowers, or maybe some sacrificial deed. While all of these are certainly valid ways to express love, the greatest gift of love is focused attention. This is a simple concept, yet it seems to be difficult for many of us to practice it consistently so let's take a look at its components to gain some help in learning to give this gift.
Focused attention requires time. Many husbands get caught up in providing material and financial things as an act of love, which it is, but it is no substitute for time spent with our wife and children. Material things excite for a little while, but it is through the sharing of time that we really connect with those we love.
Parents often believe that involving their children in lots of activities is a great gift of love, but frequently this scatters the family in so many different directions that they hardly ever have time for each other. Given a choice, we would rather have time with someone we love instead of some object given to us by them. Focused attention requires spending time together.
Focused attention as a gift of love requires more than just time spent in the same proximity. It requires really connecting with eye contact, conversation that is intended to interest, engage and uplift the other, and real listening. My wife and I recently went out to eat and noticed a young married couple at a table across the restaurant who were obviously out on a date, yet each of them spent most of their time texting other people and ignoring each other. After a while, they finished eating and left...still staring at their phones. This is not focused attention even though they were seated at the same table.
Focused attention requires turning off cell phones, televisions, and laptops in order to connect with the one you love. Setting aside all others for a period of time to really engage our mate (this applies to children also) expresses love and demonstrates that we value our mate above all other people and interests.
This week, make it a point to generously overwhelm your mate with some focused attention.
You will probably need to plan a date or a time and work to make it happen in spite of all the things that will be working to crowd this off your schedule. Remember, nothing is more important than your mate and children and what they really want is YOU!


By the way, I am teaching our marriage class at Faith Assembly in Summerville for the next 7 weeks on Sunday evenings 6-7:30PM. I hope you can join us! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

Falling in and out of love?

Through the years, we have been surprised by the decisions made because of love. Years ago, it was common for a woman to marry or at least do unwise or sometimes illegal things because she had "fallen in love" with the wrong man. When we heard these stories we just shrugged as we chalked up another tragedy to the mystery of falling in love.
Then, somewhere along the line we began to hear the phrase "fell out of love" being used to justify the actions that would destroy a marriage. Somehow, many began to accept that terminology as the fickleness of love.
The idea behind all of this is that in some mysterious way we encounter someone and are smitten uncontrollably and deeply and find ourselves falling into love the way a person might lose their balance and fall out of a boat. Then, of course, the idea was proposed in reverse and many accepted it...even in the church where we should know better.
We have seen couples who have allowed unresolved resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, and neglect erode their marriage. Then, instead of trying to improve their marriage, one partner concludes that they have fallen out of love with their mate and suddenly realize that they have fallen in love with someone else. They reason that God is sending them a sign to end their marriage and marry or move in with this new, better person. The effects of this are widespread and devastating.
Love does not work this way at all!
Attraction and arousal happen without the involvement of our will, however we are responsible to handle them carefully when they occur.
The Bible teaches that love is a choice that requires a commitment. In Deuteronomy 30:16, we read For I command you today to love the Lord your God ...and the Lord your God will bless you... We are told over and over in the Bible to love God and to love others. Husbands and wives are commanded to love each other. Parents and children are commanded to love each other. Uncontrollable emotions can't be commanded. Love is a choice that must be renewed over and over again throughout a marriage as we travel through good and difficult times.
If you feel like you are falling out of love with your mate check yourself. Are you negative and faultfinding in your thoughts and words concerning your mate? Are you holding onto grudges against your mate? Are you ignoring your mate? Are you making time for your mate? Are you and your mate communicating about your needs and cares? Are you both putting effort into making the relationship work? If not, are you?
Your marriage is a gift to you from God...do your part to make it work!

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

  

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!