Facebook Fire!

 I recently read that 66% of lawyers cite Facebook as their primary source of evidence in adultery cases. In England, last year 20% of divorce petitions involved "Facebook Flings". Currently, one out of five American divorces now involve Facebook. I suppose many would jump to suggest that we close down Facebook accounts, sue Facebook, or make Facebook illegal, but Facebook is not the problem. Foolish human decision-making is the problem, as usual.

Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned? Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched? So is the one who sleeps with another man's wife, no one who touches her will go unpunished...But a man who commits adultery lacks judgement, whoever does so destroys himself. The NIV Bible, Proverbs 6:27-29,32.

Many men and women believe that they can engage in friendship building, emotional connections, and so called innocent flirting with someone of the opposite sex and suffer no ill effects. The truth is that this is playing with fire and someone will be burnt because the most powerful component of human sexuality is deep emotional bonding. It is unreasonable to think that one could build these bonds with someone other than their mate and keep their relationship with their mate in tact. If you play with fire...you will be burnt!

If you destroy your marriage, you will create widespread devastation to everyone you love including yourself. Study the divorce checklist in our book to learn more about this.

This has always been an issue for some, but now many who would never engage in this type of behavior in person are slipping into it through the convenience and privacy of Facebook and other social media. Facebook opens opportunities that seem safe because there is no face to face interaction. The truth is that someone can turn and even steal your heart without any face to face contact, in fact it is even easier this way because there are no negatives to overcome. The other person can weave the perfect fantasy to lure you away without any of the reality checks that face to face interactions would bring. Add to that the allure of the secret relationship and the danger level has just increased exponentially. What seems innocent and safe is really the most dangerous of all. This fantasy relationship can quickly turn into an obsession and before long a rendezvous is planned. This is the point where all you love will be destroyed. The fire is raging!

Here are some ideas to help keep you safe on Facebook:

1. Never write anything negative about your mate.
2. Never share your deepest struggles, frustrations,and dreams on your wall for all to read.
3. Do not give out sensitive details about your life for all to read.
4. Never express the need for help of any sort on your wall for all to read.
5. Remember, there are those who are predators looking for someone to conquer, if you give them the info to steal your heart, they will use it to destroy you. Those with evil intents are the first to volunteer to "help". 
6. Be careful about the pictures you post and how they portray your lifestyle and overall happiness.
7. Never post pictures that could be used to locate your home and learn the details of the inside.
8. Never carry on conversations through messaging with someone of the opposite sex unless your mate knows about it and approves.
9. Allow your mate to read any messages exchanged with someone of the opposite sex.
10. Never respond to any flirtation ... ignore it completely.
11.  Never engage in flattery with someone of the opposite sex.
12. Never send someone of the opposite sex pictures of yourself...any kind of pictures! 
13. Be careful how you get emotionally involved with someone of the opposite sex who is needy and asking for your encouragement and help...refer them to a friend who is the same sex as the person for help.
14. Guard your heart. Devote your energy to deepening your bond with your mate!
15. If you would feel uncomfortable with the conversation/budding relationship in person, shut it down on Facebook!

It is easier to put out a small campfire than a raging wildfire!   

 Have a Merry Christmas! 

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Now, where are we going?!

Christmas is a wonderful time of year filled with reminders of God's love for us, good food, family gatherings, gift giving, and the joy that all of this brings. However, these things also create many opportunities for arguments, stress, and hurt feelings.

Couples often have a difficult time blending their families' traditions. Families have a wide variety of traditions that are very important to everyone involved. When a couple gets married, a new family is formed and these traditions are forever affected, especially after children are born.
The struggle to honor the traditions of both sides of the family coupled with work parties, school parties, church parties, and celebrating with friends can turn this wonderful season into an exhausting marathon both physically and emotionally.
This year, don't let all of this busyness steal the joy from your Christmas! Here are some ideas to consider:

• Realize that you must put your mate and children above the expectations of everyone else
• Determine to maintain the joy of Christmas in your own heart no matter what anyone else chooses to do
• Communicate with your mate to find agreement concerning which functions to attend...there are an abundance of demands but only a limited amount of time and energy 
• Communicate with your mate to determine how much you can afford to spend and plan to make it count
• Realize that as your family grows, it is impossible to please everyone so do the best you can and refuse to feel guilty for what simply can't or shouldn't be done
• Consider creating new traditions at your home that include grandparents and extended family
• Be courteous and understanding as changes are implemented...the changes associated with the passage of time can sometimes bring sadness 
•  Remember that you are shaping your children's Christmas memories...hectic running around trying to fulfill everyone's expectations might not create the best memories...the warmest memories of Christmas are built around time spent together valuing each other

This year, Have a Merry Christmas! 

Start the New Year off right by committing to strengthen your marriage!  

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Whose job is it anyway?

One of the greatest sources of conflict in most marriages is caused by the division of household duties. Many couples stay in a perpetual tug of war over who is responsible for which chores. A recent study revealed that average couples spend 40 minutes every day arguing over household chores! Is this really the best way to spend time together? It's time to end this tug of war!

I suppose the most common source of conflict is still the idea that the cleaning, cooking, and most of the childcare is "woman's work". While yard work and household repairs is "man's work".
The root of this problem has nothing to do with the chore itself. The food network has shown us that some of the greatest cooks in the world are men...manly men. The DIY network has shown us that women can do well and even excel in the world of home renovation and construction. So the gender stereotypes have nothing to do with ability or aptitude for certain tasks.

The root of this conflict is a failure to understand the benefit of teamwork. A sad fact of life is that chores exist in every household and someone has to do them. If we will simply identify what has to be done, agree on how it should be done, and then simply pitch in to get the chores done this conflict would be resolved.

While this is a simple and obvious fix, it becomes a complicated stalemate in many marriages because of our tendency to keep score of how much "I" am doing versus how much "you" are doing. This score keeping is always subjective and thus favors the one keeping score which becomes a real problem when both are keeping an imbalanced score. Soon, it is no longer about chores, but rather is a tug of war over power in the relationship, a measure of love, and a demonstration of a lack of respect and appreciation. What started off as a simple need to do something relatively meaningless like washing clothes or cooking a meal has now become a measuring stick for the depth of love in the relationship and threatens to forever alter the future of the family.

If you are locked in a conflict over chores with your mate I hope you can see that stubborn resistance to prove your point is doing your marriage more harm than good. If you eventually win, you lose the love of your mate.

Choose to let it go and choose to pursue the command of Philippians 2:3 by taking on the attitude of Jesus who chose to set aside His "rights and privileges" in order to express His love for us by being a servant.
"But, what if I do that and my mate takes advantage of me?" That is where loving communication, prayer, and trusting God come into play. The point is not about the chores...the point is to allow love to swallow self centeredness. When we choose to stop fighting our mate for our rights and privileges and choose instead to freely offer love and loving deeds... love grows. When we choose to fight for self in the marriage conflict and division grow.

Choose to lay down the rope and stop the tug of war this week. Be a helper to your mate in all areas and see the climate in your home warm up!  

Check out past articles at:  

www.abettermarriage.blogspot.com.

 

Start the New Year off right by committing to strengthen your marriage!  

Order your copy of I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.  

This 14 week daily devotional will help you focus on improving your marriage!

Click on the sidebar to order yours today! 

    

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

Tell a friend about the Marriage Coach!

Develop an attitude of Gratitude!

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Col.3:15

With all of the Black Friday and Cyber Monday mayhem occupying center stage, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of being grateful for the truly valuable things in life.
As Christians, we believe that God carefully watches over us and every good and wonderful gift that comes into our lives is from Him. Therefore, it is fitting to acknowledge this and offer thanks to Him. The Bible commands us to make thanksgiving a big part of our relationship with God.

There are many benefits to having an attitude of gratitude. Here are a few:

1. Helps us praise God
2. Key aspect of prayer
3. Helps us escape self and love others
4. Brings joy in the midst of difficulty
5. Medical research shows that an attitude of gratitude helps us deal with stress better and produces better health and longer life

To receive the benefits from an attitude of gratitude we have to put forth real effort. Here are a couple of helpful ideas:

1. Make it a priority and focus on it  
2. Spend more time thinking about what you have than you spend on what you lack 
3. Identify your real blessings i.e. relationship with God, health, your mate, your children, and your gifts and talents
4. Remember, possessions may be nice, but they are temporal and start fading the moment you get them
5. Make it a point to stop complaining and start being thankful
6. God is very involved in your life, especially in the low moments. He is working a plan for your good and your thanksgiving in those times expresses faith and deepens your relationship with Him.

One of the most important areas that an attitude of gratitude is needed is in the area of marriage.  

In order to have a better marriage, we need to stop being focused on self and our unmet expectations and start being thankful for the mate God has given us!  

Marriages are much stronger in an environment of gratitude than an environment of complaints and demands.

To really explore the value of your mate, order your copy of our book by clicking on the sidebar and study the section titled, "Your real Treasure." 

  

Focus on an attitude of Gratitude this Holiday Season and see the benefits multiply in your family! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

    

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Peace during the holidays!

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God. Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.           Matthew 5:9&7
 

Many people dread the family gatherings that the holidays bring.
I have to confess that I have experienced more of this than I would like. For years, I could not understand how to navigate through the complicated maze of painful extended family dynamics. I have been forced to search for answers and thought it might be helpful to share what I have learned thus far.
It is helpful to understand the root of the conflict. Many families were set up for conflict when the adults began to plant seeds of rivalry, competition, and favoritism in the relationships of the children. This is as old as Jacob and Esau and is still just as harmful. If your conflict is driven by this, why not choose to stop competing and simply cheer for your siblings. It will be hard, but it will begin the process of healing if someone will simply stop feeding the rivalry and offer love, kindness, and respect to their former sibling rival. Who knows how the others will respond, but at least you will be through striving and being tortured in your thinking. You will receive the double blessing of being a merciful peacemaker.

If your family conflict is fueled by long held offences, it is time to apologize and forgive and begin to rebuild a healthy relationship.

Being confident and satisfied with your path in life helps deflect the criticisms that come from those who feel a need to offer you unwanted life coaching so you can have a "more successful" life. Many times families develop differing values which create a disconnect. I have found out the hard way that it is usually better to simply listen and let it roll off rather than trying to explain. This "explaining" normally turns into a debate which creates tension and hurt feelings and fails to adequately explain anything except how upset I am.

Finally, sometimes the situation has to be evaluated and proper boundaries need to be set. Some family members habitually use the holidays to cross the line in being disrespectful and hurtful to others in the family. In these cases, I have found that effort should be made to make peace and create understanding, but sometimes it becomes necessary to break away and create your own family traditions rather than allow these folks to ruin the holidays for your mate and children year after year. After all, you and your mate are a family and you need to instill healthy traditions of holiday celebration for your children. It is important to do this with an attitude of love and forgiveness.

Hopefully these ideas will help you enjoy your thanksgiving meal without the heartburn later!

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

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Keep Going!

I recently read that the USA has the highest divorce rate in the world. Sri Lanka has the lowest if you're wondering. According to this report on divorce statistics in the US, 41% of all first marriages end in divorce, 60% of all second marriages end in divorce, and 73% of all third marriages end in divorce.

Regardless of your past, I hope you will do everything possible to make sure to keep your current relationship in tact and growing in love. The collapse of a marriage has very painful effects on both marriage partners, all children involved, in laws, extended family, friends, and church family.

 

If you are thinking of divorce, you should get a copy of our book and study the checklist of possible "after divorce" decisions that will have to be made. This is not a light decision and the outcome is never as painless as people think.

 

.........Love always perseveres.......... 1 Corinthians 13:7

 

Everything valuable and meaningful in life requires perseverance. No matter what goals you choose in life, you will have to persevere through difficulties, disappointments, doubts, delay, and many other trials to achieve your goals. This certainly is true of a successful marriage, which should be the foremost goal of any married person. I have attended and officiated many funerals and I can tell you that while a person's accomplishments may be mentioned, the thing that matters most is the depth of their relationships. We are remembered and missed more for the love we gave than for the things we did or things we bought.

 

The point for this week is that a key to a successful marriage is to stay engaged through the obstacles. Make a decision to refuse to ponder the idea of divorce as an escape hatch when the going gets tough. Remember that you and your mate need to help each other through tough times. Resolve not to make the tough times worse by turning on each other.

Be sure not to threaten or even think about divorce. Sometimes the best solution is the simplest thing. Stay put! Love never gives up!

 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

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Have you become a puppet?

Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self control. Proverbs 25: 28  

In our modern culture, we have perfected the concept of blame shifting. We excuse our bad behavior by claiming that someone else did or said something that forced us to behave or speak in a manner that is harmful, illegal, or simply embarrassing. Even in our court system verdicts are often affected by the idea that the actions or words of the victim somehow forced the defendant to respond as they did.

We entertain ourselves with so called reality shows that are mostly built on the yelling, screaming, angry outbursts, vengeful plots, malicious gossip, and other bad behavior of the participants.  It seems that the person acting badly always hides behind the argument that they simply “had to” respond that way because of the words or actions of the others involved. Our culture is saturated with this rationale. There are quite a few problems, however with this line of thinking.  This argument did not help Adam and Eve as they tried to justify their failures by shifting the blame. Adam tried to blame Eve and indirectly tried to blame God, but in the end he was responsible for his actions. Eve tried to shift the blame to the serpent, but in the end she was responsible for her actions. We, too, are ultimately responsible for our actions and choices.

In marriage, couples try to blame their mate for their own bad behavior or hurtful words. But the truth is that we are each in control of our choices regardless of what anyone else does. If someone chooses to commit adultery, inflict physical harm on their mate, or say horribly hurtful things to their mate it is no one else’s fault and there is no justification for such things. When a retaliatory pattern settles into a marriage hurtful things are sure to follow. The key is to choose what kind of marriage partner you will be regardless of what your mate chooses. The fact is that we are not puppets. Many think it would be fun to have a free pass in life for all our bad behavior, but there are no free passes. There are rewards and consequences for all of our words and actions.

The next time someone acts poorly toward you, remember that is time for you to put your choices to the test, if you respond like them, then you are becoming a little more like them. We need to think about the kind of person we want to be and choose our response carefully. It’s time to stop handing control over to someone else and saying to them, “Here, you control me for a few minutes. Go ahead, make me act and speak in a way that is completely embarrassing and possibly harmful!” In order to grow as a person, a Christian disciple, and a marriage partner and parent, we have to exercise self control. Without self control, our life is like an unprotected city vulnerable to all kinds of harm. The puppet in this video is entertaining, but remember, we are not puppets.

Love or Fear?

In 1 John 4:18 we read that perfect love drives out all fear and if we are afraid to love then we need to grow in our practice of love.
I have found that many married people are afraid to truly love their mate. Before you run away in doubt, let me explain. Often, couples measure out loving acts to each other based on their expectation of a favorable return. In short, they are afraid that they might open their heart to their mate and get a less than favorable response so they live very guarded...desperately trying to protect themselves. They practice this difficult balancing act of giving out some love while holding back enough to feel protected.
Eventually, this leads to a cycle of giving less and receiving less and giving less and so on until both are feeling unloved and unwilling to continue on. It's at this point of deadlock where they realize that instead of growing in love they have grown in fear and now their relationship is in jeopardy.
The point is that love is completely open and ready to give. Love is willing to endure difficulty for the other. Love is ready to deny self for the other. Love is ready to put the needs of the other first. Love is focused on lifting up the other. Love does not set limits of service. Fear is unwilling to do any of this. Fear is focused on self. Fear demands that self is satisfied and comfortable. Love communicates its needs and gives mercy. Fear keeps a list of unmet expectations and pouts and retaliates. Love and fear can't grow together in a relationship. One will overtake the other and that will control the relationship.
The point is that a lifelong marriage is built on growing love and the eviction of fear. So, how do we grow in love? The answer is quite simple. The way we grow in love is to approach those times of personal sacrifice for the benefit of our mate with a good attitude of generosity and love rather than complaining and making a note to make sure the deed is reciprocated. In fact, students of love look for ways to put their mate's needs and wants above their own for the sheer joy of lavishing love on them. As students of love, we have to go after opportunities to bless our mate with no expectations or demands. The best time for this is found on those days when your mate is feeling bad or depressed or distracted. These are prime opportunities to deny self and lift up our mate. Overcome your disappointment with acts of love carefully chosen to give. This is how we grow in love and evict fear from our marriages! This is how God loves us!

Grow in Love and Evict Fear!

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

Also, "Like" us on Facebook at www.facebook.com/I Still Do. 

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