Falling in and out of love?

Through the years, we have been surprised by the decisions made because of love. Years ago, it was common for a woman to marry or at least do unwise or sometimes illegal things because she had "fallen in love" with the wrong man. When we heard these stories we just shrugged as we chalked up another tragedy to the mystery of falling in love.
Then, somewhere along the line we began to hear the phrase "fell out of love" being used to justify the actions that would destroy a marriage. Somehow, many began to accept that terminology as the fickleness of love.
The idea behind all of this is that in some mysterious way we encounter someone and are smitten uncontrollably and deeply and find ourselves falling into love the way a person might lose their balance and fall out of a boat. Then, of course, the idea was proposed in reverse and many accepted it...even in the church where we should know better.
We have seen couples who have allowed unresolved resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, and neglect erode their marriage. Then, instead of trying to improve their marriage, one partner concludes that they have fallen out of love with their mate and suddenly realize that they have fallen in love with someone else. They reason that God is sending them a sign to end their marriage and marry or move in with this new, better person. The effects of this are widespread and devastating.
Love does not work this way at all!
Attraction and arousal happen without the involvement of our will, however we are responsible to handle them carefully when they occur.
The Bible teaches that love is a choice that requires a commitment. In Deuteronomy 30:16, we read For I command you today to love the Lord your God ...and the Lord your God will bless you... We are told over and over in the Bible to love God and to love others. Husbands and wives are commanded to love each other. Parents and children are commanded to love each other. Uncontrollable emotions can't be commanded. Love is a choice that must be renewed over and over again throughout a marriage as we travel through good and difficult times.
If you feel like you are falling out of love with your mate check yourself. Are you negative and faultfinding in your thoughts and words concerning your mate? Are you holding onto grudges against your mate? Are you ignoring your mate? Are you making time for your mate? Are you and your mate communicating about your needs and cares? Are you both putting effort into making the relationship work? If not, are you?
Your marriage is a gift to you from God...do your part to make it work!

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Handle with Care!

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to go to Cuba on a missions trip. Downtown Havana was a real disappointing sight. It was clear that the buildings were constructed in beauty with architectural flair, but decades of neglect had turned them into a crumbling shadow of their former glory. It was a real shame.

It's odd how many of us allow our marriages to fall into disrepair simply because of neglect. I don't think anyone intends for this to happen, we just convince ourselves that we can work on our marriage later...right after we finish this to do list which is never satisfied. We assume that our marriage is well built and can withstand a little neglect without any adverse effects. So, we get pressured into neglecting the most important thing in order to take care of the most urgent things.

After our relationship with God, our marriage is the greatest treasure we have! Think about it, if we lose our marriage, everything we love will be negatively affected or destroyed. A successful marriage should be the highest priority to us. Your mate is your real treasure!

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to lose your mate? Two years into our marriage, my wife nearly died due to complications in the birth of our first son. As I waited in the hallway, I was overwhelmed by the importance she has in my life. Of course, many have lost a spouse and can tell you firsthand how devastating the loss has been. God created marriage so two people could help each other through life in ways that are too wonderful for words. It is such a shame when such a wonderful gift is lost simply due to neglect.

Neglect is a tricky foe. It always seems innocent, necessary, harmless, and justified, but a little too much and your treasure begins to slip away. The key is to shine up our treasure every day. Think about what you can do this week to shine up your husband/wife this week. How about some encouraging words, a small gift, some special task or help, an extra hug and kiss, or something else that says,"I love you" in a special way to your mate.

Now that you have a plan...make sure to act on it!

Remember...your mate is your real treasure in life...a gift from God to help you through life!

Don't let neglect tarnish your gift! 

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Unfinished Business

I will always remember that fateful day in September when America suffered the largest attack ever on our mainland. My wife and I were were excitedly preparing to go shopping for a crib for our youngest child who was expected to arrive in just a few months. As I waited for her to finish getting ready, I watched the saga unfold live on the television news. It was surreal. It was hard to believe that this was really happening. We were overcome with fear and confusion like the rest of the country. Obviously, we cancelled our shopping trip and spent the day watching to see what would happen next and praying for those who had lost loved ones in these terrible attacks.

There are many wonderful stories of how people miraculously survived. Yet, thousands lost their lives. I often think of that in terms of lost husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters. What began as a normal day like any other suddenly brought an unexpected end to their lives.

While there are many lessons to be learned from all of this, I would like to suggest one simple lesson that we should all strive to incorporate into daily life. That is to live with an awareness that life is short, fragile, and unpredictable so we should handle those we love with love and care because we never know what the day will bring. Ephesians 4:26 instructs us to be careful how we handle anger and to make sure everything is diffused and settled before the sun goes down. In other words, don't hang onto negative, angry feelings about anyone, especially those who are close to you. Then, in Ephesians 4:29, we are told to not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, but only words that are helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I suppose this could seem ridiculously simple to some, but I recently heard the results of a survey that said that over half of all married couples in America kiss less than 5 times per week. I think the lesson of 9/11 for us should be that every day we have the opportunity to pour lavish wonderful gifts on our mate and we should make it a point to do it. I would suggest that we begin to be generous in giving our mate hugs, kisses, uplifting words, forgiveness, and meaningful conversation because the future is completely unpredictable. Every time we leave home, we should leave with the awareness that there are no guarantees about tomorrow so let's express love to our mate right now while we have the opportunity.

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...love, honor, and cherish...

I have officiated many weddings and have noticed that we always promise to love, honor, and cherish our mate, yet we often spend little time thinking about how to express honor in the marriage.
If you look up the word "honor"in the dictionary, you will find that it is a word that originated in England in the 1200's. It was tied to the special treatment that was given to famously successful kings and knights. While other cultures had different words for this, the concept and expressions go back to Biblical times. The women danced and sang songs about King David's exploits. The women danced and sang songs about the glorious deliverance of God as He led them safely through the Red Sea. So, our word today means to show merited respect or one whose worth brings respect. What a great attitude to bring into marriage.
Life has a way of piling up hurts, hardship, and disappointments and blurring out all of the positives...if we let it. Honor in a marriage is built on perspective, thanksgiving, appreciation, and decision.
Do you remember how much you longed for a mate when you were single? This was the longing of your heart and the subject of most of your dreams. Most of us hinged all of our plans and dreams for life around the changes that a mate might bring to us. Then, your dreams came to pass...you found the love of your life, got married, and began to build a life together. Considering all of this, it is clear that your mate is one who has great worth to you. They are the answer to your prayers and dreams. They rescued you from lonely nights of dreaming of a companion.
The question is, do you still appreciate that or have you become so disconnected from that "single" stage of your life that you take your mate for granted and regard your mate with little worth? The way we treat our mate is directly connected to the value we ascribe to him/her. That value is under constant assault by the struggles of life, their shortcomings, and the bad influences of our society.
If we choose to honor our mate, we will choose to do things that will please our mate. We will be careful how we speak to our mate. We will allow our appreciation of their involvement in our lives to flow over into a myriad of loving words and actions. We will be focused on our mate's worth and value to us. Except in cases of violent abuse or adultery, your mate is the same person that you were crazy over when you got married. Make a point to shake off the dust and recapture your appreciation for all your mate is in your life. Show your mate how much you value him/her for the wonderful things they have brought into your life!

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Boundaries!

One of the age old dilemmas facing married couples is their interaction with their parents, extended family members, and sometimes friends. Of course, everyone is familiar with the standard conflicts that can arise over holiday and birthday celebrations, but often these conflicts spill over into the everyday aspects of life causing hurt feelings and dividing families.

In Genesis 2:24, God created Eve as a mate for Adam and pronounced the ground rules for future generations. He used two words, leave and cleave. The word leave indicates leaving something behind, in this case the old family structure and authority is to be left behind to create a new family with its own traditions, customs, and authority structure. Leaving does not necessarily indicate a required breaking of regular interaction or even being involved in family business ventures or other interests. Leaving implies more of a change in relationship as the parents are required to respect the newly formed family as independent adults who are making their own decisions. The new family is expected to live in independence. 

The second word, cleave, indicates a clinging or affectionate closeness that exists only in marriage. God indicates that no one should interfere with the "cleaving" of a husband and wife to each other in this new family that has been formed.

The question often arises about how to deal with parents, family, or even friends who attempt to interfere with the couple's decisions. Sometimes family or friends create strife by being critical. Sometimes this criticism becomes rude and demeaning. Normally, couples who are struggling with how to handle this problem are worried about hurting someone's feelings or creating long term problems in the family so they often allow it to go unaddressed until the pressure builds to a boiling point and then things get ugly.

The key is to realize that God planned for the new family to be independent. Any outside person who is creating conflict and trouble in the marriage is overstepping their boundaries. It is imperative that the person be addressed respectfully and lovingly and placed back in their proper role and the fence rebuilt. Sometimes, the intruding party insists on interfering and tries to use various manipulation techniques. The key is to explain lovingly and refuse to be manipulated. In extreme cases, it may become necessary to limit contact with people who consistently create division and turmoil in the marriage. Such people are obviously consumed with selfish interests and may be a real threat to the life of the marriage. Again, these would be rare cases. It is critical for the couple to desire a right relationship during the time that they are engaged in protective measures (David's attitude toward Saul is a great example). It is easy to become hurt and retaliate with bad behavior, to engage in gossip, or to hold onto unforgiveness. All of these are terrible responses that create more trouble.  

Taking a stand for your marriage requires courage and may bring tension to outside relationships for a while, but it is necessary. 

As parents, family members, or friends we should acknowledge that God has sanctioned the marriages of those around us and we should never engage in anything that might bring trouble into those marriages. If we have bad or critical attitudes we should seek God's forgiveness and work to change these. We should respect their decisions, offer advice when asked, and give out generous amounts of encouragement. Every couple needs people who encourage and build up, not people who try to control and point out flaws in their mate!

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Forsaking all others!

A few years ago, our nation was dragged into a public debate about the correctness of a married man, in this case, a national political figure, engaging in relational and sexual activity that allegedly stopped short of full intercourse with a woman who was not his wife. As the saga played out, the wife appeared to support her husband thus implying that this was acceptable to her. Folks all over the country began to ponder and debate this issue around water coolers and coffee pots throughout the land. Eventually, attention turned elsewhere and the political spotlight was trained on another issue. But this event had far reaching implications for our national moral compass which was already malfunctioning. Many of our citizens, including many teens and college age folks, came to the conclusion that certain sexual activities were permissible as long as they stopped short of full intercourse.In their minds, they had new experiences available to help them get close to the line without crossing it. This brought about a new level of promiscuity in our culture. These ideas even crept into the church community because either the church refused to join the debate in embarrassment or because the church failed to connect and make herself credible to her listeners.
This also ushered in a new wave of trouble for marriage...so called harmless flirting of Christian married folks with people other than their mate. I once had a lengthy debate with a group of Christians about this matter and was very shocked. The consensus was that it was perfectly permissible for married folks to engage in flirting as long as they did not take it to a level of romantic relationship building. Several of the women and men even volunteered the names of the people in the church that they enjoy flirting with and gave examples of how they like to flirt and why. I could not believe my ears!
Flirting is a behavior that is intended to help two people of the opposite sex bond together in a romantic manner. It should be completely  reserved for single folks who are looking for a mate. It is after all part of that process. The only other arena of life where flirting is appropriate is the ongoing flirtation between a married couple as they seek to keep the spark and tenderness in their marriage.
Flirting outside of the marriage is an attempt to get the euphoria that comes by being noticed and admired by someone of the opposite sex without the relational responsibilities that are inherent in a committed relationship. It is a practice that demonstrates self - centeredness.
One of the cornerstones of Christian marriage is the concept of forsaking all others to cling exclusively to our mate through good and bad times.
Everyone has an emotional tank that needs to be filled, but God's plan is that husbands and wives would be sensitive to each other and exert the necessary effort to keep their mate's emotional tank full. Security in the marriage relationship is built on this sense of deliberate exclusivity by both parties. No one wants to be in a marriage with someone who is constantly seeking attention from strangers.
To make matter worse, the attention derived from flirting with others often turns one's heart cold toward their mate who may not appear as exciting and attentive. That is part of the deceptive downward cycle.
Of course, the ultimate danger from this game is that the person you are flirting with is on the prowl for a partner and hooks you and lures you into a full blown adulterous relationship that devastates your marriage partner and children...it happens all the time. What started off as "harmless flirting" turns into something devastating.
As Christians, we should live free from flirtation with people outside our marriage. We should relate to others as brothers or sisters, not fountains of flirtation.
This week, put as much effort into flirting with your mate as you can muster...this is a good thing!

Consider Proverbs 5: 15-23

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Win - Win

In every marriage, there is an ongoing need to come to a place of agreement over conflicting opinions and desires.
This is a normal part of marriage as two people who are very different learn to live life together.

Unfortunately, this process often stirs up a lot of misunderstanding, over-reaction, painful words and actions, hurt feelings, and too often leads to unforgiveness, grudges held, retaliation, and worse.

Many times, people begin to think that they have married the wrong person because the need for negotiating agreement is so frequent. This thought pattern often leads to a search outside the marriage for their "true soulmate"...which is a fantasy that does not exist.

The key is to grow in our approach to disagreement. As married people, we need to realize that difference of opinion and preference is inevitable. It simply means we have an opportunity to understand each other better.  

Our goal should always be to make decisions that will best serve our marriage and family. This creates a win - win situation. Here are some thoughts to consider to help us grow in this area:

• Try to maintain self control and keep anger in check.
• Try to see this as an opportunity to learn about why your mate sees things the way they do.
• Try to avoid the need to "win" or be "right". Instead, look for what's best. 
• Be careful with your words. Try to make sure not to say something you will regret later.
• Determine the importance of the issue to you...is it very important, somewhat important, or not very important?
• Try to determine the same from your mate.
• Do Christian discipleship principles enter into the decision making process? If so, they should take the lead.
• If it is less important to you than your mate and it is not going to violate any Christian value or cause any harm, then this is a great opportunity to show love to your mate by accommodating their desire...everybody wins.
• If you both feel strongly about conflicting plans of action, spend time discussing the pros and cons of each plan. Make sure to pray for guidance.
• It could be that a little of each plan will turn out to be the best plan of action. 
•  Stay engaged in the process until agreement is reached.   
• Make sure that love prevails. 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

A simple rule

In Matthew 7:12, Jesus said that we should treat others the way we want to be treated. Can you imagine how many disputes, divorces, and even wars could be avoided if we all took this seriously?
This simple command has enormous power to fill the lives of those around us with good!
This week, the Manning Times newspaper ran  a story about a local couple who were married for 18 years, divorced for 30 years, and were now newly remarried. Both had second marriages that ended in divorce. While this is a story that has many things to be sad about and many things to celebrate, one thing stood out profoundly.
The husband said that this time he had learned the importance of being sensitive to the likes, interests, and needs of his wife. As an example, he said that he now realized that when the two of them went out on their boat for a day on the lake, he is now accommodating to his wife's desire to keep the day shorter than he would prefer. In short, he had learned to treat his wife the way he would want to be treated. He apparently learned that denying self to bless others,especially your mate, is a wonderful expression of love.
Embracing this simple rule changed their family and their future. A new ending was written for the story of their lives.
This simple rule has the power to fill our lives and families with wonderful things also.
Let's focus on making this simple rule a way of life for ourselves and those we love!
This week, make this simple rule the main thing in your thinking and express it to your mate at every point possible! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.