Boundaries!

One of the age old dilemmas facing married couples is their interaction with their parents, extended family members, and sometimes friends. Of course, everyone is familiar with the standard conflicts that can arise over holiday and birthday celebrations, but often these conflicts spill over into the everyday aspects of life causing hurt feelings and dividing families.

In Genesis 2:24, God created Eve as a mate for Adam and pronounced the ground rules for future generations. He used two words, leave and cleave. The word leave indicates leaving something behind, in this case the old family structure and authority is to be left behind to create a new family with its own traditions, customs, and authority structure. Leaving does not necessarily indicate a required breaking of regular interaction or even being involved in family business ventures or other interests. Leaving implies more of a change in relationship as the parents are required to respect the newly formed family as independent adults who are making their own decisions. The new family is expected to live in independence. 

The second word, cleave, indicates a clinging or affectionate closeness that exists only in marriage. God indicates that no one should interfere with the "cleaving" of a husband and wife to each other in this new family that has been formed.

The question often arises about how to deal with parents, family, or even friends who attempt to interfere with the couple's decisions. Sometimes family or friends create strife by being critical. Sometimes this criticism becomes rude and demeaning. Normally, couples who are struggling with how to handle this problem are worried about hurting someone's feelings or creating long term problems in the family so they often allow it to go unaddressed until the pressure builds to a boiling point and then things get ugly.

The key is to realize that God planned for the new family to be independent. Any outside person who is creating conflict and trouble in the marriage is overstepping their boundaries. It is imperative that the person be addressed respectfully and lovingly and placed back in their proper role and the fence rebuilt. Sometimes, the intruding party insists on interfering and tries to use various manipulation techniques. The key is to explain lovingly and refuse to be manipulated. In extreme cases, it may become necessary to limit contact with people who consistently create division and turmoil in the marriage. Such people are obviously consumed with selfish interests and may be a real threat to the life of the marriage. Again, these would be rare cases. It is critical for the couple to desire a right relationship during the time that they are engaged in protective measures (David's attitude toward Saul is a great example). It is easy to become hurt and retaliate with bad behavior, to engage in gossip, or to hold onto unforgiveness. All of these are terrible responses that create more trouble.  

Taking a stand for your marriage requires courage and may bring tension to outside relationships for a while, but it is necessary. 

As parents, family members, or friends we should acknowledge that God has sanctioned the marriages of those around us and we should never engage in anything that might bring trouble into those marriages. If we have bad or critical attitudes we should seek God's forgiveness and work to change these. We should respect their decisions, offer advice when asked, and give out generous amounts of encouragement. Every couple needs people who encourage and build up, not people who try to control and point out flaws in their mate!

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Forsaking all others!

A few years ago, our nation was dragged into a public debate about the correctness of a married man, in this case, a national political figure, engaging in relational and sexual activity that allegedly stopped short of full intercourse with a woman who was not his wife. As the saga played out, the wife appeared to support her husband thus implying that this was acceptable to her. Folks all over the country began to ponder and debate this issue around water coolers and coffee pots throughout the land. Eventually, attention turned elsewhere and the political spotlight was trained on another issue. But this event had far reaching implications for our national moral compass which was already malfunctioning. Many of our citizens, including many teens and college age folks, came to the conclusion that certain sexual activities were permissible as long as they stopped short of full intercourse.In their minds, they had new experiences available to help them get close to the line without crossing it. This brought about a new level of promiscuity in our culture. These ideas even crept into the church community because either the church refused to join the debate in embarrassment or because the church failed to connect and make herself credible to her listeners.
This also ushered in a new wave of trouble for marriage...so called harmless flirting of Christian married folks with people other than their mate. I once had a lengthy debate with a group of Christians about this matter and was very shocked. The consensus was that it was perfectly permissible for married folks to engage in flirting as long as they did not take it to a level of romantic relationship building. Several of the women and men even volunteered the names of the people in the church that they enjoy flirting with and gave examples of how they like to flirt and why. I could not believe my ears!
Flirting is a behavior that is intended to help two people of the opposite sex bond together in a romantic manner. It should be completely  reserved for single folks who are looking for a mate. It is after all part of that process. The only other arena of life where flirting is appropriate is the ongoing flirtation between a married couple as they seek to keep the spark and tenderness in their marriage.
Flirting outside of the marriage is an attempt to get the euphoria that comes by being noticed and admired by someone of the opposite sex without the relational responsibilities that are inherent in a committed relationship. It is a practice that demonstrates self - centeredness.
One of the cornerstones of Christian marriage is the concept of forsaking all others to cling exclusively to our mate through good and bad times.
Everyone has an emotional tank that needs to be filled, but God's plan is that husbands and wives would be sensitive to each other and exert the necessary effort to keep their mate's emotional tank full. Security in the marriage relationship is built on this sense of deliberate exclusivity by both parties. No one wants to be in a marriage with someone who is constantly seeking attention from strangers.
To make matter worse, the attention derived from flirting with others often turns one's heart cold toward their mate who may not appear as exciting and attentive. That is part of the deceptive downward cycle.
Of course, the ultimate danger from this game is that the person you are flirting with is on the prowl for a partner and hooks you and lures you into a full blown adulterous relationship that devastates your marriage partner and children...it happens all the time. What started off as "harmless flirting" turns into something devastating.
As Christians, we should live free from flirtation with people outside our marriage. We should relate to others as brothers or sisters, not fountains of flirtation.
This week, put as much effort into flirting with your mate as you can muster...this is a good thing!

Consider Proverbs 5: 15-23

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Win - Win

In every marriage, there is an ongoing need to come to a place of agreement over conflicting opinions and desires.
This is a normal part of marriage as two people who are very different learn to live life together.

Unfortunately, this process often stirs up a lot of misunderstanding, over-reaction, painful words and actions, hurt feelings, and too often leads to unforgiveness, grudges held, retaliation, and worse.

Many times, people begin to think that they have married the wrong person because the need for negotiating agreement is so frequent. This thought pattern often leads to a search outside the marriage for their "true soulmate"...which is a fantasy that does not exist.

The key is to grow in our approach to disagreement. As married people, we need to realize that difference of opinion and preference is inevitable. It simply means we have an opportunity to understand each other better.  

Our goal should always be to make decisions that will best serve our marriage and family. This creates a win - win situation. Here are some thoughts to consider to help us grow in this area:

• Try to maintain self control and keep anger in check.
• Try to see this as an opportunity to learn about why your mate sees things the way they do.
• Try to avoid the need to "win" or be "right". Instead, look for what's best. 
• Be careful with your words. Try to make sure not to say something you will regret later.
• Determine the importance of the issue to you...is it very important, somewhat important, or not very important?
• Try to determine the same from your mate.
• Do Christian discipleship principles enter into the decision making process? If so, they should take the lead.
• If it is less important to you than your mate and it is not going to violate any Christian value or cause any harm, then this is a great opportunity to show love to your mate by accommodating their desire...everybody wins.
• If you both feel strongly about conflicting plans of action, spend time discussing the pros and cons of each plan. Make sure to pray for guidance.
• It could be that a little of each plan will turn out to be the best plan of action. 
•  Stay engaged in the process until agreement is reached.   
• Make sure that love prevails. 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

A simple rule

In Matthew 7:12, Jesus said that we should treat others the way we want to be treated. Can you imagine how many disputes, divorces, and even wars could be avoided if we all took this seriously?
This simple command has enormous power to fill the lives of those around us with good!
This week, the Manning Times newspaper ran  a story about a local couple who were married for 18 years, divorced for 30 years, and were now newly remarried. Both had second marriages that ended in divorce. While this is a story that has many things to be sad about and many things to celebrate, one thing stood out profoundly.
The husband said that this time he had learned the importance of being sensitive to the likes, interests, and needs of his wife. As an example, he said that he now realized that when the two of them went out on their boat for a day on the lake, he is now accommodating to his wife's desire to keep the day shorter than he would prefer. In short, he had learned to treat his wife the way he would want to be treated. He apparently learned that denying self to bless others,especially your mate, is a wonderful expression of love.
Embracing this simple rule changed their family and their future. A new ending was written for the story of their lives.
This simple rule has the power to fill our lives and families with wonderful things also.
Let's focus on making this simple rule a way of life for ourselves and those we love!
This week, make this simple rule the main thing in your thinking and express it to your mate at every point possible! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Cancelled

Cancelled is a word that can either be negative as in the case of something you were eagerly anticipating being cancelled due to some problem, or it can be very positive as in the case of being released from some burdensome obligation like a traffic ticket.

My parents own a country store. When I was growing up, many of the locals carried a small charge account. They would come in, purchase items, and we would write down the total owed on the tally sheet. Every week or two, they would come in and make payments and we would strike off the amounts paid. This part of the bill was cancelled ... paid ... finished...completed...never mentioned again...you get the idea. This is a picture of forgiveness.

Grudge holding, list keeping, and pay backs are like a cancer that eats away at marriage. No marriage can withstand the effects of these practices. In order to truly experience the blessing God intended the marriage relationship to bring, we have to practice the art of forgiveness. By the way,we get better at it the more we do it. 

If you take a few minutes to read Matthew 18:23-35, you will discover that forgiveness involves several key elements: 

• My mate has said or done something that is hurtful to me.
• I realize that I have hurt my mate also.
• We are both in need of forgiveness from each other.
• Holding grudges undermines our ability to be close.
• In order to have a life of love together, we must forgive each other and learn to be careful not to hurt each other in the future.
• My relationship with God is negatively affected by my refusal to forgive others...especially my mate.
• Forgiveness does not minimize the hurt...it maximizes my expression of love.

The question is not whether your mate deserves forgiveness. God made a way of forgiveness for all of us regardless of our worthiness. That is the pattern for forgiveness.
Give the gift of forgiveness to insure a long life of love!

 

Exercise for this week:

Are you holding a grudge against your mate?
What offense are you refusing to forgive?
How is the grudge effecting your relationship?
Is that what you want?
Choose to forgive and pull your marriage out of the nosedive.
Communication is the key to moving forward after forgiveness is given.  

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Say something special

Have you ever noticed how the simplest things are often the most special and impactful? We have all been uplifted by the beauty of a sunrise or sunset, the changing leaves in the Fall, the warming effect of a child's laughter, the touch of our mate, and many other similar things. It is truly amazing to think that God created us with the capacity to receive pleasure and comfort from these types of things. It is clear that He intended for us to enjoy all of these in a special way that brings real satisfaction. this is an expression of God's love for us!
Likewise He created marriage to be a source of pleasure and comfort in a fallen world that is constantly seeking to drag us down. The challenge for us is to find ways to break away from the stresses of duty and responsibility in order to refresh ourselves. Contrary to popular belief, money and things do not bring the same satisfaction as the simple things God has wired us to enjoy.
Recently, I woke up in the middle of the night to find a comfortable position and in the process discovered that my wife was awake when I heard her voice softly thank me for something I had done for her recently. I was somewhat overwhelmed when I thought about the significance of this simple special event. While I was sleeping, she was thinking about me...giving thanks for something I had done for her. Her mind was filled with gratitude...for me. I was having some difficult times and this simple, heartfelt expression from her warmed me and brought me a real sense of comfort. This simple statement brought real comfort and reminded me that all that "stuff" out in the world that seeks to overpower us is really not that important after all.
This week, why not spend a few minutes focusing on what you appreciate about your mate and make sure to express it to him/her in the simplest terms possible. I'm sure you will find that your simple expression will have more power for good in your mate's life than you ever imagined! Our words really can pour life into others.

The tone in your home!

Have you noticed that there is a certain tone or mini culture everywhere we go? Places of business have a certain "feel" that is reflected in the way they treat customers and co-workers. Churches have a certain "feel" that can be detected right away. It is reflected by the way people relate to each other and newcomers. Schools have a mini culture. The truth is that nearly every group of people create a mini culture within their ranks. The driving force is heavily influenced by the leaders of the group.
Families also create a mini culture. I'm sure that you have visited families and noticed that some families are quiet, loud, respectful, disrespectful, close, detached, wasteful, frugal, expressive, stoic, self reliant, whiny, and the list goes on and on. The tone in the home should be set by the parents.
The tone in the home is a powerful shaping tool that will influence your children for a lifetime, either positively or negatively. After all, one of the big hurdles early in marriage is two people from homes with differing tones and customs learn to mesh together.
So the point is this, if we don't take time to choose the qualities that will make up the tone in our home, then negative qualities will creep in and take over....simply because we are people with flaws living in a fallen world and we must choose to daily overcome these effects.
This week, take some time with your spouse to discuss the tone you want to set in your home and relationship. May I suggest including the fruit of the Holy Spirit found in Galatians 5:22,23. I would like to suggest deciding to be a family that includes the gifts of love, joy, and laughter. Think of ways you can value each other in the day to day details of life.
When guests enter your home, what "feel" do you want to greet and overwhelm them? Enjoy taking time to choose and pursue these better things.

  For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Be a wife of real influence!

It seems to me that one of the issues that weighs heavily on the hearts of wives is the desire to influence their husbands and children to better things, especially to influence them toward a stronger commitment to Christ. The problem is that many of the tactics used seem to have the reverse effect causing much frustration and division in the home.
God has laid out a plan in 1 Peter 3:1-6 to help wives have real influence that will be embraced by her family! However, I must warn you that His plan will require a real leap of faith and a complete change of mindset.
Are you ready?
In chapter 2, He explains that in this world we(Christians) will be falsely accused of being evil and that we will suffer mistreatment and injustice by those in various places of authority. His command is to continue to do good and allow our godly lifestyle to eventually silence all evil talk. He points to Christ as our example of bearing up in righteousness when mistreated. Then, He begins to address the home.
The first statement He gives wives is to submit to their husbands. This term does mean to obey, but rather to live in a cooperative attitude. In Proverbs 21:9 we are told that a husband would rather live on a rooftop(homeless?) in peace than to live in a wonderful house with a wife who is quarrelsome. Husbands respond well to a warm cooperative attitude. We could spend a lot of time on this topic, but I think you get the point.
The next statement is a reference to the wife's lifestyle. The KJV uses the word conversation, but in the original the word refers to coming and going...lifestyle both in and out of the home. The lifestyle referred to here is one that is holy or free from defilement, cleansed, or pure. In other words, wives should be in a constant state of growing in the fruit of the Holy Spirit(as all believers should) and being a cooperative companion who fills the home with good qualities rather than complaining, demanding, and threatening. Husbands love a wife who is a "drama diffuser" rather than a "drama creator". A wife should be a source of peace and blessing in her home...even when things are not going great.

Then, He gives the outcome. The husband will see her how her very real relationship with Christ is making her into a wonderful person to be with and he will be won over without her saying a word to him!

This is the way for a wife to have real influence in her family! Godly influence!
It will take real faith to discard the "wisdom" of the world which accomplishes nothing positive in order to embrace the wisdom of God to bring real blessing to her family!

P.S. I am speaking to wives in average marriage situations. If you are in a marriage situation where your life is in danger due to a history of violence, you should take steps to protect your life and your children and figure out how to deal with the marriage with the help of a Pastor or Christian counselor.

  For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.