Falling in and out of love?

Through the years, we have been surprised by the decisions made because of love. Years ago, it was common for a woman to marry or at least do unwise or sometimes illegal things because she had "fallen in love" with the wrong man. When we heard these stories we just shrugged as we chalked up another tragedy to the mystery of falling in love.
Then, somewhere along the line we began to hear the phrase "fell out of love" being used to justify the actions that would destroy a marriage. Somehow, many began to accept that terminology as the fickleness of love.
The idea behind all of this is that in some mysterious way we encounter someone and are smitten uncontrollably and deeply and find ourselves falling into love the way a person might lose their balance and fall out of a boat. Then, of course, the idea was proposed in reverse and many accepted it...even in the church where we should know better.
We have seen couples who have allowed unresolved resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, and neglect erode their marriage. Then, instead of trying to improve their marriage, one partner concludes that they have fallen out of love with their mate and suddenly realize that they have fallen in love with someone else. They reason that God is sending them a sign to end their marriage and marry or move in with this new, better person. The effects of this are widespread and devastating.
Love does not work this way at all!
Attraction and arousal happen without the involvement of our will, however we are responsible to handle them carefully when they occur.
The Bible teaches that love is a choice that requires a commitment. In Deuteronomy 30:16, we read For I command you today to love the Lord your God ...and the Lord your God will bless you... We are told over and over in the Bible to love God and to love others. Husbands and wives are commanded to love each other. Parents and children are commanded to love each other. Uncontrollable emotions can't be commanded. Love is a choice that must be renewed over and over again throughout a marriage as we travel through good and difficult times.
If you feel like you are falling out of love with your mate check yourself. Are you negative and faultfinding in your thoughts and words concerning your mate? Are you holding onto grudges against your mate? Are you ignoring your mate? Are you making time for your mate? Are you and your mate communicating about your needs and cares? Are you both putting effort into making the relationship work? If not, are you?
Your marriage is a gift to you from God...do your part to make it work!

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Handle with Care!

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to go to Cuba on a missions trip. Downtown Havana was a real disappointing sight. It was clear that the buildings were constructed in beauty with architectural flair, but decades of neglect had turned them into a crumbling shadow of their former glory. It was a real shame.

It's odd how many of us allow our marriages to fall into disrepair simply because of neglect. I don't think anyone intends for this to happen, we just convince ourselves that we can work on our marriage later...right after we finish this to do list which is never satisfied. We assume that our marriage is well built and can withstand a little neglect without any adverse effects. So, we get pressured into neglecting the most important thing in order to take care of the most urgent things.

After our relationship with God, our marriage is the greatest treasure we have! Think about it, if we lose our marriage, everything we love will be negatively affected or destroyed. A successful marriage should be the highest priority to us. Your mate is your real treasure!

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to lose your mate? Two years into our marriage, my wife nearly died due to complications in the birth of our first son. As I waited in the hallway, I was overwhelmed by the importance she has in my life. Of course, many have lost a spouse and can tell you firsthand how devastating the loss has been. God created marriage so two people could help each other through life in ways that are too wonderful for words. It is such a shame when such a wonderful gift is lost simply due to neglect.

Neglect is a tricky foe. It always seems innocent, necessary, harmless, and justified, but a little too much and your treasure begins to slip away. The key is to shine up our treasure every day. Think about what you can do this week to shine up your husband/wife this week. How about some encouraging words, a small gift, some special task or help, an extra hug and kiss, or something else that says,"I love you" in a special way to your mate.

Now that you have a plan...make sure to act on it!

Remember...your mate is your real treasure in life...a gift from God to help you through life!

Don't let neglect tarnish your gift! 

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

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Unfinished Business

I will always remember that fateful day in September when America suffered the largest attack ever on our mainland. My wife and I were were excitedly preparing to go shopping for a crib for our youngest child who was expected to arrive in just a few months. As I waited for her to finish getting ready, I watched the saga unfold live on the television news. It was surreal. It was hard to believe that this was really happening. We were overcome with fear and confusion like the rest of the country. Obviously, we cancelled our shopping trip and spent the day watching to see what would happen next and praying for those who had lost loved ones in these terrible attacks.

There are many wonderful stories of how people miraculously survived. Yet, thousands lost their lives. I often think of that in terms of lost husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters. What began as a normal day like any other suddenly brought an unexpected end to their lives.

While there are many lessons to be learned from all of this, I would like to suggest one simple lesson that we should all strive to incorporate into daily life. That is to live with an awareness that life is short, fragile, and unpredictable so we should handle those we love with love and care because we never know what the day will bring. Ephesians 4:26 instructs us to be careful how we handle anger and to make sure everything is diffused and settled before the sun goes down. In other words, don't hang onto negative, angry feelings about anyone, especially those who are close to you. Then, in Ephesians 4:29, we are told to not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, but only words that are helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I suppose this could seem ridiculously simple to some, but I recently heard the results of a survey that said that over half of all married couples in America kiss less than 5 times per week. I think the lesson of 9/11 for us should be that every day we have the opportunity to pour lavish wonderful gifts on our mate and we should make it a point to do it. I would suggest that we begin to be generous in giving our mate hugs, kisses, uplifting words, forgiveness, and meaningful conversation because the future is completely unpredictable. Every time we leave home, we should leave with the awareness that there are no guarantees about tomorrow so let's express love to our mate right now while we have the opportunity.

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

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...love, honor, and cherish...

I have officiated many weddings and have noticed that we always promise to love, honor, and cherish our mate, yet we often spend little time thinking about how to express honor in the marriage.
If you look up the word "honor"in the dictionary, you will find that it is a word that originated in England in the 1200's. It was tied to the special treatment that was given to famously successful kings and knights. While other cultures had different words for this, the concept and expressions go back to Biblical times. The women danced and sang songs about King David's exploits. The women danced and sang songs about the glorious deliverance of God as He led them safely through the Red Sea. So, our word today means to show merited respect or one whose worth brings respect. What a great attitude to bring into marriage.
Life has a way of piling up hurts, hardship, and disappointments and blurring out all of the positives...if we let it. Honor in a marriage is built on perspective, thanksgiving, appreciation, and decision.
Do you remember how much you longed for a mate when you were single? This was the longing of your heart and the subject of most of your dreams. Most of us hinged all of our plans and dreams for life around the changes that a mate might bring to us. Then, your dreams came to pass...you found the love of your life, got married, and began to build a life together. Considering all of this, it is clear that your mate is one who has great worth to you. They are the answer to your prayers and dreams. They rescued you from lonely nights of dreaming of a companion.
The question is, do you still appreciate that or have you become so disconnected from that "single" stage of your life that you take your mate for granted and regard your mate with little worth? The way we treat our mate is directly connected to the value we ascribe to him/her. That value is under constant assault by the struggles of life, their shortcomings, and the bad influences of our society.
If we choose to honor our mate, we will choose to do things that will please our mate. We will be careful how we speak to our mate. We will allow our appreciation of their involvement in our lives to flow over into a myriad of loving words and actions. We will be focused on our mate's worth and value to us. Except in cases of violent abuse or adultery, your mate is the same person that you were crazy over when you got married. Make a point to shake off the dust and recapture your appreciation for all your mate is in your life. Show your mate how much you value him/her for the wonderful things they have brought into your life!

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

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