Companion Comfort!

 There are some things that are just plain comforting, often for no apparent real reason, like a sunrise after a long, stressful night at the hospital with an ailing loved one. The sight of a flickering fire in the fireplace is another. The roar of the surf is another mysterious comforter. As humans, we instinctively know that this world is filled with stressful, disappointing seasons and we crave things that bring us comfort to see us through these times.

One of the most powerful sources of comfort comes to us through companionship. Companionship is found by sharing life with someone with whom we have a deep bond. While this can be experienced with parents or friends, the most powerful companionship experience is found in marriage. Sadly, many married couples have workable arrangements, but lack real companionship. According to everydayhealth.com, studies conducted at Brown University by Dr. Scott Haltzman showed that companionship in marriage has many health benefits. The study revealed that being in a healthy marriage reduced the mortality rate of average 45 year old women by 50% and greatly increased the odds of average 48 year old men living to age 65 from 65% to 90%. The study also found that a man in a healthy marriage who has heart disease is expected to live 4 years longer than an unmarried man with heart disease. According to this study, cancer treatment is up to 17% more effective on people who are in a healthy marriage. The study revealed that unmarried people were 9 times more likely to experience bouts of major depression. The study also found that divorce/separation more than doubles the risk of suicide among men. Like our craving for water to sustain life, we crave companionship to find overall well being.

In the Bible, in the book of Song of Songs, we find a poem about two lovers who were enjoying the thrill of a growing romantic relationship. Most couples can remember the excitement of finding a romantic interest who returned this interest. The escalation of the relationship from acquaintance to boyfriend/girlfriend is euphoric just like the escalation described in the Song of Songs. Sometimes, couples get so caught up in the euphoria and the plans for a wedding and beyond that they neglect to foster and care for the most important element of a healthy marriage...companionship. I have been shocked to realize that many married couples know so little about the history and thought process of their mate. Many times, a person will share details of their life in a coaching session with us and their mate of many years is blown away to realize that they never shared this with each other.

In the Song of Songs, the two lovers use a Hebrew word, rea(riyah), in referring to each other. This word illustrates a progression in the relationship. This word is used to express companionship in many types of relationships including the marriage relationship. According to Vine's Complete Dictionary of Old Testament Words, this word refers to a close friend with whom one shares confidences. In the marriage application, this refers to knowing, loving, accepting, and appreciating your partner completely. Many couples only know each other as they were at some time in the past when they were more connected and putting more effort into the relationship. The problem with this is that people continue to grow and companionship can be lost or the couple can "grow apart". Some couples never know each other beyond the sexual attraction. Some couples are crippled by a fear of really opening up to each other. Some couples never really experience companionship because they are so focused on themselves that they fail to open up to experience aspects of their mate's life that they don't understand.There are many reasons. The lack of growing companionship often leads to a breakdown in the relationship and a temptation to seek companionship outside the marriage. This is destructive and does not deliver the answer that is sought. The answer is to start today to cultivate companionship in your marriage. Here are some helpful hints:

• Start by agreeing to develop deeper companionship
• Decide to confide your history and life story with your mate
• Decide to confide your hopes, dreams, and aspirations with your mate
• Decide to confide your disappointments and fears with your mate
• Confide your plans to grow as a person with your mate
• Confide your high moments and low moments with your mate
• Develop common interests and hobbies...do things together that appeal to you both.
• Be careful with the things that your mate confides in you...never share them with anyone else.
• Encourage and celebrate your mate

Find the comfort of companionship!  

 

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Chase away insecurity

 Recent articles in USA Today.com and psychcentral.com tell of a study that indicates that people who are insecure in  relationships are at an increased risk for cardiovascular disease, chronic headaches, neck and back pain, and other serious conditions. The study concedes that there are many other contributing factors and much more research needs to be done to reach conclusive results, however I think we all agree from experience that relational insecurity is a terrible state of being that creates a lot of stress and heartache. Marriage is supposed to be a cure for loneliness and insecurity, but many couples journey through difficult times that are filled with insecurity. It is important to learn to chase insecurity from your marriage.

In the Bible is a book called the Song of Songs. It is a beautiful love song between two lovers that gives us a beautiful picture of the beauty of married love. In SOS, 1:5-11, we find a great exchange between this couple that is a beautiful pattern to help us chase insecurity away. The young king, Solomon, has been out in the countryside looking over his flocks and livestock and has met a young woman whose family rents a vineyard from him. She is beautiful and he is drawn to her. They quickly fall deeply in love and he asks her to marry him. He sends her to Jerusalem, the capital city,  to the palace to prepare for the upcoming wedding(things worked very differently in that culture). Upon arrival, she sees the wealthy, pampered daughters of the Jerusalem elite who are all vieing to become the king's bride. She stands out in stark contrast. She has been forced to work in the vineyard with the men while these beauties have been shielded from the harsh sun and have pampered their skin with oils and expensive lotions. Her hands are calloused and show the wear of hard labor. She has not been trained in all the social graces of the royal court. She is truly the odd girl out and her insecurities are raging as she awaits the return of Solomon. Not only that, but it seems that her Father had died and her brothers were leading the family and had chosen to mistreat her. She was insecure because of her family background. To make matters worse, her beloved was away and her insecurities were amplified by his absence. Eventually, the insecurities overwhelm her and she goes out into the countryside to look for him to calm her heart. As she is going from shepherd camp to shepherd camp looking for him she becomes afraid that this will cause her to become associated with the women of the day who belonged to no man and went about from encampment to encampment and were considered to be prostitutes (veiled women). She was concerned about her reputation, but her desperate need for reassurance in the relationship drove her on. Eventually, she found him and he chased away her insecurities. In doing so, he creates a wonderful pattern for husbands to follow in order to chase away the insecurities of their wives:

1. He greeted her by reassuring her of her beauty. She needed to know that she was beautiful to him...even though her beauty was different from those in the city.
2. In comparing her to one of Pharoah's mares, he was saying that she was the rarest of the rare in beauty and worthiness. Pharoah's chariots were legendary in the ancient world and the stallions that pulled them were rare and exquisite. To have a mare join their ranks was so rare and magnificent that it would be legendary. He reassured her of her worthiness to be the queen.
3. He adorned her face and neck with beautiful, expensive jewelry. Jewelry draws the eye of the beholder. He was drawing attention to these features that she was insecure about and declaring them to be especially beautiful to him.
4. Jewelry also indicates sacrificial love and devotion and ownership or belonging to someone(like a wedding ring). He adorned her with expensive symbols of his love and devotion to her and sent her back to Jerusalem with tangible, obvious symbols of his love and affection for her. She belonged to him and he belonged to her.  
5. As husbands, we can chase away our wives' insecurities by reassuring her of her beauty to us (never compare her with others), reassuring her of our appreciation of her strengths, ideas, gifts, and talents, and by being very open and demonstrative about our love for her in front of others.

Ladies, you can chase away your husband's insecurities by simply letting him know that you appreciate him, letting him know what you admire about him, by showing him affection, and by doing things with him.

Chase Insecurities away! 

 

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The power of a kiss!

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth - for your love is more delightful than wine." Song of Songs 1:2
Yes, this is a quote from the Bible. The Song of Songs is a book of the Bible that is devoted to celebrating the wonder of romance and love between a married man and woman. It has been a guide as well as a source of inspiration to married couples for centuries.
In Genesis 2, we read the account of God's creation of Adam and Eve. God created Adam and Eve as the crowning glory of all His creation. Man and woman were unique from all other created beings in many ways including our ability to communicate clearly and precisely with each other, our ability to communicate with God, our ability to create, reason, and build, and the way we enjoy our senses. While many of God's creations have the sense of taste, smell, touch, sight, and hearing, man is unique in our experience of these things. We not only taste, but we create gourmet experiences for our enjoyment. We not only smell, but we create a wide variety of smell sensations to enjoy. We not only touch, but we have developed schools to help further the healing benefits of touch. Not only do we see, we create beautiful art. Not only do we hear, but we create beautiful music of all sorts to fill the ears with the beauty of music. Man is unique among all of God's creation.
This is true also in our romantic relationships. As far as anyone can tell, animals engage in a form of courtship and mating simply because of an instinctual drive to create offspring. Courtship among humans is different. We are different by design just as we are different in our enjoyment our our five senses. The bond between a married couple is a deep bond that is intended to bring a lifetime of comfort and enjoyment as they help each other through the ups and downs of life. However, just like it takes effort, planning, and creativity to create a wonderful perfume, a delicious meal, a masterpiece, or beautiful music, it takes effort, planning, and creativity to keep the enjoyment part of the relationship alive and well. One of the keys to keeping the excitement alive in a marriage is to make kissing a regular part of your interaction.
In a recent study, it was revealed that 1/5 of married couples regularly go as long as one week without kissing at all. Then, when they did kiss, 40% of them shared a kiss that lasted only five seconds. It is no wonder that so many people are bored and miserable in their marriages.
According to www.webmd.com, there are quite a few benefits associated with kissing including:

• Kissing relieves stress and aids in relaxation because the kissing event focuses their attention off of stressors and fully onto their partner and the sensations of the moment.
• Kissing communicates acceptance and desire which creates a sense of security and peace.
• Kissing is a natural part of the bonding process  and when married couples spend time kissing it deepens their connection and bond with each other which is very comforting.
• Kissing enhances the closeness in a marriage. Kissing is requires being close...close enough to feel each other's body warmth, to feel each other's breath, and to smell and taste each other. A lack of physical closeness breeds insecurity. Kissing is the cure.
• Kissing is the doorway to a sexual encounter. Kissing greatly increases the pleasure exchanged during a sexual encounter. This all works together to bring a greater sense of pleasure, happiness, and security to couples.

All of this is as much a mystery as our heightened enjoyment of our five senses and the lengths we will go to to fully experience them. Whether you understand this or not, it will benefit you to make a pledge to yourself and your mate to refuse to become a "non-kissing" couple. There is no benefit to allowing the fire of romance in your marriage to die. If you are somewhat adventurous, regard it as a wonderful experiment to improve your marriage.

By the way, July 6th is National Kissing Day. I urge you to mark it on your calendar and plan to celebrate in grand style. But, of course, you will need to practice a lot to get in shape for it! 

Fan the Flame in your marriage

by adding more kissing! 

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