Anger - Handle with caution!

Anger can be like wild fire!

Anger is a complex emotion. I suppose there is no need to try to explain or define it because we all know it well.
Anger has motivated people to leave their comfort zones to take a stand for right and good causes. However, too often, anger is the emotion that runs out of control like a wild fire damaging and destroying everything in its path. I wonder how many marriages/families have been destroyed by anger?
The Bible has a lot to say about anger. In 1 Corinthians 13 we read that love is not easily angered. Too often, we experience the opposite of that in the marriage context. So many are careful to control their angry outbursts around co-workers, supervisors, strangers, and friends while giving themselves permission to be touchy, explosive, and hurtful to their husband/wife and children.
It is clear that we are capable of controlling how we vent our anger. Shouldn't we choose to express love to our mate and children by extending that same courtesy to them. It is time to make better choices. No one can change the past, but we can all change the future.
In Ephesians 4:26, we are told to not sin in our anger. It is not wrong to be angry, however the way we handle our anger is very important to God....and those around us. Angry words and explosive actions destroy love and ruin the harmony needed to have a healthy relationship. I know that many joke about the joy of making up after a fight, but there is always the residual erosion caused by careless words thrown around in an angry fit. Over time, these can build up and create distance and uncertainty in the relationship.

Try these helpful tips to control anger:

• Assure yourself that you can control yourself.
• Revoke the permission you have given yourself to rage out of control.
• Remember that rants of rage are a sin Galatians 5:20. 
• Seek God's forgiveness and help.
• When you feel the anger building, be careful.
• Choose your words and actions carefully. Think about how your words will affect your mate or children. Say what you need to say in a loving way to effect a helpful response rather than a simple dumping of your anger. 
• Explain that you need to take a break if necessary. Don't just storm out without explanation.
• Try listening without speaking until you understand your mate's position.
• Ask questions to improve your understanding before you blow up. Don't blow up.
• Remember, love and peaceful communication glorify God and bless your family. A wonderful gift.
• Refuse to participate in the old patterns of escalation. Simply sit and listen if your mate is raging. Wait for calmness to prevail.
• Be careful not to provoke your mate or escalate the anger. 
                
  Real Love is not easily angered!   

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order your copy of I Still Do Today.
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The Critical Gift

The most critical gift we can give our mate is respect. I have several observations about this that seem obvious, but we have found that many couples struggle in this area. First, respect is the element that keeps the relationship satisfying and rewarding. Second, respect is given by choice. Finally, respect must be guarded and cultivated. A lack of respect will eventually destroy a relationship.
Respect is basically choosing to value another person highly and allow that value to permeate every element of our interaction with that person like the way we talk to and about them and the way we treat them in general. One of the things that causes a struggle in marriage is that we build a history of the other's weaknesses, faults and mistakes.
In the early stages of the relationship our focus was on their wonderful qualities and their successes. The key here is to choose to return to focusing on his/her great qualities and successes and remind ourselves that we are not perfect either.
People love to say that respect is earned not given. I beg to differ. it is true that a person's behavior, speech, and deeds earn either admiration and approval or disappointment and disapproval, however respect is about the way we choose to treat others. We can either have an arrogant attitude where we see ourselves as the "authority on all things and the judge of others" or we can have an attitude of humility where we value others and choose to treat them with dignity,  kindness, and...respect because we know that God loves all people. The way I treat others speaks more about me than it speaks about them. Jesus taught us to be respectful to everyone. How much more does this apply to our marriage partner?

This week, treat your mate as the most important person in your life.
Speak to your mate with kindness and appreciation. Be careful with your words and tone. Try to go a full week without saying anything demeaning or derogatory to your mate. Isn't it crazy how we are more careful about how we speak to friends co-workers and strangers than our mate?
Be helpful and accommodating in regards to your mate's needs and desires. Put your mate first.
Focus on your mate's great qualities and stop focusing on their shortcomings.
Cultivate a greater demonstration of respect for your mate this week and........    

              

          Watch the Romance Grow!  

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

A Fascinating Gift

When God created humans, He made us wonderfully different from all of the other living things He created. This involves many aspects, but this week, I want to encourage you to think about and explore one of those areas. 

God endowed humans with a special ability to connect with and bless each other with affection. This is a powerful gift for parents to bestow on their children. Studies show that babies who receive no affection and touching do not thrive. Nine years ago, we had a son who was born early with lots of health challenges and the doctors instructed us that the best medicine for him was for us to spend a couple of hours each day holding him so he could have skin to skin contact and affection. Thank you Lord, he made a full recovery and is healthy today. 

Studies show that children who grow up with a lack of affection tend to develop emotional problems that plague them for life.

However, God also gave this wonderful gift to married couples. Affection strengthens the connection between couples. Sadly, surveys show that affection tends to decline in couples over time bringing a lot of negatives into the relationship.

There was a study done at Arizona State University in 2008 by professor Kory Floyd to examine the effects of affectionate communication with twenty married couples. They defined affectionate communication in three ways: verbal(I Love you), Touch (kissing, holding hands, touching), and social(listening and offering help).  

They collected saliva samples hourly through out a typical workday and evening. The test results demonstrated that hormones associated with stress decreased when their mate gave them various forms of affectionate communication. The conclusion was that affection from one's mate leads to better health, less stress, and better outlook on life. The test also indicated that affection deepens the connection between a husband and wife. Giving affection to your mate is good medicine for both of you so prescribe a generous daily dose.

When was the last time you really kissed your mate?

Do you plan time for hugging and touching after the kids are in bed?

Are you and your mate passing in the doorway with a peck on the cheek?

Are you shaking hands rather than holding hands?

This week, (you will have to plan for it) spend time holding hands, touching, really  kissing, expressing your love to each other verbally, and listening and understanding....and......    

              

          Watch the Romance Grow!  

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Pursue Harmony with your Mate

One of the most important qualities to develop in a marriage is harmony.
Harmony could be described as two very different people who bring differing ideas, customs, gifts, talents, points of view, and experiences learning to live life together in a way that brings out the best in each other. A blending together that is inspiring and enjoyable...like good music.
We have all heard singers who sing together well and others who set your whole being on edge as you hope that they will be through soon!
We have also seen the same in couples. Some are so connected that they simply exude peace and are quite inspiring to watch or be around. Others are so out of sync that it is stressful and painful to be around them.
This has little to do with "chemistry"or being "in Love", it has everything to do with how we choose to relate to each other. If you are out of sync right now, don't give up, begin to develop harmony.
Have you ever noticed that sometimes a group of talented individual singers can't seem to harmonize well? It's the same way in marriage, sometimes great people have trouble harmonizing their lives. The key to good harmony in singing or in life is to choose to shift the focus off of self and choose to put effort into focusing on getting in step with your partner.
Here are some helpful tips to boost harmony in your marriage:

• Spend some time identifying areas where you feel out of sync with your mate...maybe making a list will help.
• Talk to your mate to find out what he/she needs in these areas. How can I move toward my mate in this area to create harmony?
• Try to determine what God's Word has to say about this area.(that's the standard always move toward that) 
• Be willing to compromise your desire to find acceptable middle ground with your mate. A tug of war is the opposite of harmony.
• Listen to and value your mate's opinions and needs. Don't be critical and negative.
• Encourage your mate.  
• Try to eliminate the phrase "But, What about ME?!" from your thinking and replace it with "But, What's best for US?!"

               Watch the Romance Grow!  

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.