Tides

Many people become disappointed in marriage because they are unprepared for the realities that married life bring. This disappointment leads to a lot of time spent thinking and talking about how unhappy they are in the marriage. Too often, this leads to a decision to abandon the marriage to seek happiness...which is seldom found under such circumstances.

Life, like the ocean, has tides. These tides are marked by change and the need to adjust to the change like a sailor adjusts to the rise and fall of the ocean. Married life is filled with change. There is the change brought on by establishing homes, changing jobs, moving to a new community, pregnancy, raising children, aging of parents, anticipation of an empty nest, an actual empty nest, the marriage of children, the arrival of grandchildren, our own aging,and a myriad of other changes. All of this is further complicated by the ever changing landscape of the world's economy and unrest. Our lives are filled with seasons when we are riding high and seasons when we wonder if we will be crashed onto the rocks.

Our problem is that we expect to always be riding high. It is normal to want this, but it simply won't happen. The key is to stick together through the low tides so we can enjoy the high tides together.

Here are a few helpful ideas to help you through the low tides:

• Spend time enjoying the memories of the high tides together. Reminisce together. 
• Encourage each other to expect God to send more high tides.
• Refuse to waste your energy looking for someone to blame for the low tide.
• If you can do something to help change the situation...do it.
• Make an effort to be a blessing to your mate. Show them that you are the best person for them to ride the tides with.
• Refuse to look for happiness outside the marriage. There are tides there also.
• Put some effort into lifting up your mate. After all, you are in this together. Do all you can to pour love on your mate during this difficult time.
• Pray together asking God to change the situation.
• Don't forget to give your mate lots of affection and encouraging words. He/she needs it more than ever now.
• Focus on helping your mate rather than  yourself.
• Remember, this is just life and stuff. What really matters is love, faith, and family.  

             Love never fails! 

      

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Take it easy!

Sometimes in marriage, one partner will develop a habit of being chronically critical and highly perfectionistic toward their mate. We have seen this take on many forms. Once we knew a husband who had strict rules for how the clothes should be folded and would re-fold the clothes if the wife had gotten it wrong...with a lot of negative words and attitude thrown in. We knew a husband who inspected the cleanliness of the house every day when he got home from work and nearly always scolded his wife as he "fixed the spots she missed." We have known wives who had constant complaints about the way their husbands dressed, talked, drove the car, parented the children, earned a paycheck, entered the house, and anything else imaginable. This is a habit that is very destructive to a marriage.

At the root of this behavior is a desire to control the marriage partner for power in the relationship. These people often say that they can't help it, but it is noteworthy that most of them are able to function around others without imposing all these rules. It is nearly always a ploy to keep their marriage partner working for approval and working to keep from rocking the boat. Another way of saying it is that these people can control the relationship by keeping their mate "walking on eggshells" around them.

Is your mate always stressed out about "setting you off"? If you are this kind of person, realize that you are operating out of fear and selfishness rather than love. Love is a servant not a master. Love is giving not demanding. Love encourages. Love attracts. Chronic criticizing repels.This becomes a habit, so it will be difficult to break, but with prayer and a solid decision to do so it can be done. Start by asking for God's forgiveness and help in changing. Then, ask for your mate's forgiveness and tell your mate of your intention to change.

If you are married to this kind of person, ask  God to give you wisdom, then begin a discussion about this. Let your mate know that you love him/her and want to make them happy without being manipulated into it. Explain how difficult it is to "walk on eggshells" and ask your mate to relate to you in love. Your mate will have to know that this behavior is no longer acceptable.

Many couples eventually divorce because of this type of interaction. Others may choose not to divorce, but will learn to live very separate lives with as little interaction as possible. This is very much like a divorce.  

This pattern of living always affects the children and extended family. The one who usually loses the most is the one who is demanding and difficult in their desperate attempts to control the marriage.  

Today is a great day to begin the process of change!  

Real Love is easy to be around!   

                      

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

Loose lips sink ships!

 

During World War II, the military coined the phrase, "Loose lips sink ships" to remind military personnel and civilians that talking about troop movements could result in a spy hearing and reporting the information to the enemy which could result in the destruction of U.S. ships and soldiers. In fact, they built a whole campaign around this slogan complete with posters and ads.
In marriage the same principle is true. Marriage is a relationship that carries the highest level of trust and vulnerability. In marriage, each person has a front row seat to every aspect of the person to whom they are married. Your mate knows you like none other. In other words, they know all the things you want to hide when trying to put your best foot forward. You trust your mate to be careful with this knowledge as you realize you need to be careful with this same knowledge about your mate.
Normally, this is not a big deal. However every marriage has periods of conflict, disappointment, frustration, irritation, and the like. It is in these times that people are tempted to share their side of the issue with family members or friends. This practice seems to be growing with the advent of social media which is encouraging people to be more open about everything.
The problem is that while most couples will tend to work through the problem, forgive each other, and make up heading once again toward "happily ever after," the people who know about the problem will be left with a bad opinion of your mate. They will have a very difficult time looking past the hurt shared with them.
Every couple is influenced to some degree by those close to them. If that group has their opinion of your mate polluted by the sharing of a stream of negativity, then naturally they will begin to encourage you to end the marriage or retaliate against your mate. Every time you go back to them with a complaint against your mate they will remind you of the entire list and build a case against your mate. If you refuse to follow their urging, you will eventually find yourself in a strained relationship with them. For these reasons, people outside the marriage should never be given intimate information about the struggles inside the marriage. It is bad for everyone. Here are some tips to help decide what is inappropriate to share:

• Never spread embarrassing facts about your mate.
• Never spread the details of an argument.
• Never spread anything that would make the hearer think less of your mate.
• Everyone has faults and weaknesses that the world has not seen, never spread those.
• Never say anything that you would not want told about you.
• Never vent anger at your mate to another person...talk it through to God and then go back to your mate.
• Never make cutting or demeaning remarks about your mate to others.
• Never, Ever post any aspect of an argument on Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media. 
• If your mate is engaged in an addiction, violence, adultery, abusing your children, or illegal activity, speak to your pastor or a Christian counselor to receive support and guidance.

Loose lips sink ships and.... 

                 Real Love always protects!    

   For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

A better angle!

We are probably aware of the importance of having the right angle of sight  when making decisions about events. Many a first down, touch down, "safe" base call and home run have been impacted by the right angle of sight of the referee or umpire...or camera. It's amazing how the angle from which we view something can completely change our understanding of the event. It is important to find the right angle.    The same is true in all areas of our lives...especially marriage. If we see our mate from an angle of hurt, disappointment, anger, self - centeredness, or defensiveness, then we will be looking for the negative we expect to find. Guess what we will find...more disappointment that reinforces our negative theory. This is a cycle that has cost many a person their marriage. It becomes like the proverbial snow ball rolling down the mountain.
What we perceive is negative and hurtful and we don't have the benefit of the instant replay so we chalk up another "you're OUT" when maybe it was just our mate being different from us in their approach to life. Most of the time, hurts in marriage are not intentional. They are part of the need to engage the process of learning to live together in an understanding way.
Unfortunately, we can become so entrenched in our need to be "right" about our mate's flaws and so entitled to an apology and a promise to change that we lose sight of what's important...our mate. This can quickly become a tug of war that creates isolation, hurt, distance, pain, and loneliness in the relationship.
Many times we spend years thinking that our marriage would be fulfilling if only our mate would change into a better person, but maybe what we need to do is get a better angle to view our mate from...after all the only person I can change is ME.
He who seeks good finds goodwill, but evil comes to him who searches for it. Proverbs 11:27 NIV
I believe that we find what we look for. If we look for something disappointing, we find it. If we look for something to be thankful for, we find it. (also see Philippians 4:8). Don't you want your mate to expect good things from you? Don't you want your mate to believe that you would never intentionally do anything to hurt or disappoint them? Give your mate the same. Stop the negative cycle this week. Get a better angle of sight to your mate!

Let it go!

One of the most difficult things to do in a relationship is to refuse to keep a list of negatives abut your mate. It is funny how we will forget 100 positives and cling to one negative, sometimes for years. I suppose that this is because the negatives are usually associated with a hurt or disappointment. We seem to have this idea that if we keep a list of every way our mate has ever let us down and keep rehearsing it and keeping a vigilant watch then we can protect ourselves from being hurt again. However, if we engage in this practice, it will destroy our relationship.
If we truly want to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship we must choose to let negative things go.
It is quite simple. Do you want your mate keeping a list of your mistakes and constantly holding that list ready to "protect" themselves?
The key to love is the ability to accept our mate with all their imperfections and choose to forgive the hurts, overlook the faults, and focus on the positives.

• Letting it go means that once we have discussed it and resolved the hurt or disappointment we choose to stop spending time thinking about that and return to positive, loving thoughts about our mate.
• Letting it go means that we choose to stop  expecting our mate to let us down again. We choose to expect to see and receive positives from our mate. We choose to remember that our mate is a wonderful person who is normal in that he/she makes mistakes like us. 
• Letting it go means that we don't bring it up every time we get angry at our mate. 
• Letting it go means that we don't share negative things about our mate with others.
• Letting it go means that we open our hearts up to our mate again.
• Letting it go means that we do not punish our mate.  
• Letting it go is choosing love over fear.
• Letting it go is a deliberate choice.
• Letting it go can be tough...but rewarding.
• Letting it go is what God does in His love for us. Will we reflect that to our mate?  

Please understand that if you are married to a person who has a history of chronic adultery or violent abuse then you should forgive but not continue to put yourself at risk. You should discuss that with your pastor or a Christian counselor.  

Real Love keeps no record of wrongs!    

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.

The power of love!

Real love refreshes!

 

Real love is one of the most amazing forces on the Earth. Real love can overwhelm depression and discouragement. Real love can shatter loneliness. Real love can radically change painful circumstances. Real love can bring healing to the most devastating hurts. Real love can change the future of others for generations. Real love can transform people in positive ways. Real love can change cities. Real love can pull people back from the brink of destruction. Real love can create wonderful, stable families. Real love can bring a drop of Heaven to Earth. Just hearing a story about real love brings a tear to the eye and a leap of joy and hope to the heart. Surely, you have experienced it. Every human has an innate deep longing to experience the glory of real love. Real love has amazing power to do incredible feats here on Earth! We have been given the power to pour out real love.....or not.
One would wonder, after thinking about the possibilities of love, why real love has not completely transformed the world into a paradise, or at least our marriages.
The answer lies in the basic conflict between the essence of love and our basic human tendencies. The essence of love is a willingness to sacrifice greatly in order to do what is beneficial for another (1John 3:16-18). Love is giving with a good attitude.
Our basic human tendencies compel us to exalt self above all others and do what is most beneficial for self regardless of how it effects others. Self serving is taking with a passion for self. (1Corinthians 13:5)
This conflict will eventually wear away the beauty of love in a marriage if it is not carefully resisted.
This week, determine to be a real lover to your husband/wife. Here are some helpful tips:

• Ask God to show you where self serving has crept into your love for your mate.
• Ask God for forgiveness and help to return to real love.
• Think about how to really be a blessing to your mate...act on it.
• Resist the tendency to favor and protect self and throw yourself into giving kindness and love to your mate in lavish ways. Break down the barriers. 
• Try to stop focusing on yourself and your needs and wants and hurts. Instead focus on your mate's needs, wants, and hurts. Choose to pour love out on your mate.
• Remember, real love has powerful, positive effects. You are unleashing a flood of goodness in your family...who knows what great things may come from it over time!  
• Remember, it really is better to give than to receive!  Try it! 

   

         Real Love is not self serving!   

For more ideas to help boost your marriage, order our book, I Still Do.