Be a no nag marriage partner!

Last week, the Wall Street Journal ran a story stating that the number one issue causing  divorce in America is nagging. In this article, the author went so far as to say that nagging is more caustic to a marriage than infidelity. I'm not sure I would agree with that assertion, but we all know that nagging is a terrible habit that gets introduced into many marriages. I am surprised that this "new revelation" has gotten so much publicity, after all this is not a new revelation at all. King Solomon in ancient Israel wrote about this in several places in the Book of Proverbs," Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife."(21:9 & 25:24).

The idea presented here is that a wife, or husband, who is constantly upset, demanding, and argumentative zaps all of the enjoyment out of life. This is closely related to the idea of nagging as we understand it. Nagging is the habit of asking one's mate to do certain things over and over again growing increasingly more agitated, impatient, demanding, and critical with each request. Nagging is often associated with a growing communication of disrespect and vengeful ploys to manipulate one's mate into compliance as soon as possible. No one wants to be married to a person who nags.  

During the last couple of weeks, we have been exploring the importance of growing in the qualities listed in Galatians 5:22-24 in order to improve ourselves as marriage partners. This week, we are finishing up with "patience" which offers a solution to this issue of nagging.  

On the surface, we think of patience as a quality of weakness as we sit idly by allowing others to trample over us. We also associate patience with waiting too long for something we really want now. Either way, we tend to shy away from the idea of patience.  

However, the ancient Greek word translated patience is the antidote for nagging. According to Vine's expository dictionary of New Testament words, this word translated "longsuffering" or "patience" really means, "to bear with, the quality of restraint in the face of provocation which does not hastily retaliate or promptly punish; it is the opposite of anger, and is associated with mercy and is used of God..."  

This type of patience comes from a place of confidence, respect, understanding, self control, and love. Marriage requires a lot of "bearing with" each other because we are humans with flaws and weaknesses. Marriage is about two people bearing with each other as they help each other grow and make it through life. When we yield to the temptation to nag our mate, we create a negative environment of hurt and coldness. We need to pursue this quality of patience with our mate. 

The reason we nag our mate is that we want our way when we want it and how we want it and we are afraid that our mate will refuse to give us what we want.  

I would like to offer some ideas to help you reduce nagging in your marriage:

1. Make sure there is no miscommunication about what you need from your mate and when and why.
2. Ask your mate if they can fulfill this request rather than assuming, demanding, and pouting. Please and thank you are great words to use in this part of the exchange.
3. Let your mate know how important this is to you and why it is important.
4. Respect your mate's limitations and be grateful for their offerings. Wait patiently and calmly as your mate fulfills your request. You might face an opportunity to become provoked, choose instead to offer mercy. 
5. Make sure to appreciate what your mate does in response to your request. Resist the temptation to be the quality control inspector who always finds something to criticize. 
6. Make sure your mate does not feel the need to nag you by following through with what you promise to do.
7. Remember, it is important to your mate whether you think it is important or not. The important thing is to show your love for your mate by doing anything you can to bring a smile to his/her face.  

Strengthen your marriage  

by ending nagging!

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Realities of Divorce

In this day and age of celebrity fixation, divorce has been glamorized and mistakenly presented as an inevitable part of life as one seeks happiness and fulfillment. In the Bible, God makes it clear that "I hate divorce," says the Lord Almighty. Many believe that this is evidence that God is a cold hearted Father who is more interested in His rules than in the well being of His children. This incorrect opinion has led many to cast off any interest in Him and His ways in order to seek happiness any way they can think of. The truth is that, as the creator of humans, marriage, and family, God hates divorce because of its devastating effects on individuals, children, and society as a whole. Before we go any further, let me say that God is not angry at anyone who has been divorced in the past. His desire toward those who have experienced divorce is to bring forgiveness, healing, and restoration for the future. My purpose for this article is not to heap condemnation of those who have been divorced, but rather to help encourage those who are entertaining the idea to think again and work at all costs to repair their current marriage rather than divorce. Now, I realize that in some instances divorce is the only option due to the unwillingness of their partner to make changes. The Bible makes it plain that in the case of adultery, physical abuse, and abandonment divorce is appropriate if the offending spouse refuses to repent and make real changes.
So, what are the realities of divorce? Studies show that divorce carries terrible consequences including psychological pain that is more intense than that caused by the death of a spouse, increased risk of bankruptcy, increased vulnerability to poverty and homelessness, pain in children that leads to increased risk of juvenile crime and teen pregnancy. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly as our celebrity icons want us to think.
Here are some questions to ponder before choosing to move forward with a divorce:

• Am I willing to return to the loneliness of the single life? Do you remember how lonely you were?
• Will I re-marry?
• How do I know I will find someone better?
• How much of the breakdown of this relationship is my fault?
• Will my friends choose to remain in relationship with me or my spouse?
• Am I willing to own that and make changes to prevent hurting future relationships?
• If there are children involved, who will get custody?
• How ugly will this get?
• How will that effect the children?
• Will I maintain relationships with my in laws...the children's grandparents, aunts,and uncles?
• How will that work?
• Which one of you will choose a new church? How will you decide?
• Which church will you choose?
• Who is going to move to a new home? Where? Will your current home be lost in the settlement or simply due to a lack of ability to pay for it?
• Will the children have to change schools?
• How will that effect them?
• How will all of this effect your relationship with your children?
• Will you lose your job? Many times the extreme stresses of this whole process effect job performance and attendance.
• Most people can't live on the income of divorce settlements, if they are paid, will you have to find extra income? How will that effect your life and family?
• Many people medicate this pain with alcohol, drugs, or harmful relationships. Will you? How do you know? What will keep you from becoming like the majority of people who face divorce?
• Do you have a relationship with God? How will this choice effect that?
• How will all of this upheaval lead to happiness?
• Wouldn't it be easier to work on your current relationship to make it better?
• These are just some of the life changing questions that should be considered before seeking divorce!

The truth is that divorce leads to the downfall of society as masses of people are devastated by the breakup of their marriages and family. The ripple effects of hurting adults trying to survive the pain with alcohol, drugs, and a series of damaging short term relationships and hurting, confused children acting out their anger and insecurities creates a huge burden on the welfare, medicaid, and law enforcement and prison systems in our nation.It is no wonder God hates divorce because of its devastating effects on the people He loves so much!
Please consider getting a copy of IStill Do, A Guide for the Marriage Journey to help you as you look for ways to strengthen your marriage.(ISBN9781609571566)

Resolve to be a fountain of Goodness!

I know January is nearly over and those thoughts of New Year's Resolutions seem like they were a long time ago, but I hope you are still working on becoming a better marriage partner this year.

I started the year off by suggesting that it would be a great thing to focus on pursuing the growth of the qualities known as the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-24) in our lives.

Let's consider three qualities that are very connected, ...goodness, kindness, and gentleness.... Galatians 5:23.

First of all, goodness is that quality of being good like fertile ground that grows good crops. This idea of good encompasses a lot of ideas such as being honorable, being morally upright, and one who generously benefits others. Everyone wants to be married to a person who is good and I doubt if anyone wants to be married to someone who is bad. While we might all consider ourselves to be "good," we all certainly have room to grow in this area. In Proverbs 31, the famous Godly wife is praised because she brings her husband good and never any harm. What a reputation for all of us, men and women alike to aspire to! What good thing can we add to our mate's life today?

This idea of growing in goodness includes the concept of doing what is best and beneficial for those around us which might not always be pleasant or create happy feelings. Sometimes, we need to encourage our mate to do what is best, right, and good even when the choice is difficult or painful. Jesus often spoke difficult things to the people around Him that were for their good, but were not necessarily the easiest things to hear. Sometimes, the presence of goodness points us in the right direction when all we really want is to be kept comfortable. In Acts 5:1-11, we see that Annanias and Sapphira failed to benefit each other with this quality of goodness when they planned to lie to the church and to the Lord. If only one of them had poured out enough goodness to abort the deceptive plan they would have avoided a terrible family calamity.

This is where the other two qualities link together with goodness. The NIV uses the word "gentleness" and the King James uses the word "meekness" to express the quality described by the original Greek word, praus, which really does not have an English equivalent. Where gentleness and meekness can be viewed as qualities of weakness, praus is a quality of strength. It is a word used of Jesus who had all power yet trusted Himself into the providence of God as He ministered to people and yielded Himself to the cross. It is a quality that is the opposite of self assertion and self interest. It is a quality that allows a person to be a fountain of goodness to others because there is no desire to assert self. As we pursue goodness, may we be untainted by self interest and self assertion and may we embrace the other related quality of kindness.

Kindness is really associated with treating others the way we would want to be treated. A kind person is comforting. A kind person is helpful. A kind person chooses their words carefully. A kind person observes the needs of those around him/her and springs into action.

When we examine the story Jesus told of the good Samaritan in Luke 10:30-37 we see a man of goodness who was motivated by kindness to use the strength of his resources to help someone in need with no self interest or self assertiveness. That pretty well sums up how these qualities work together. My hope is that you will choose to join me as I seek to grow in these qualities ...most especially, let's demonstrate these qualities to our mate and children!

Resolve to grow in Goodness, Gentleness, and Kindness!

 Start the New Year off right by committing to strengthen your marriage!  

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Resolve to pursue peace in your home!

Blessed are the peacemakers,for they will be called the sons of God. Matthew 5:9

Not only are there wonderful eternal rewards and blessings associated with encouraging and promoting peace, but there are great rewards and blessings here on Earth as well. Marriages are more enjoyable when peace is present.Children are emotionally healthier and more secure when the home is filled with peace. Friendships are are sweeter when peace is present. Churches are more appealing when peace is the greeter at the door. Workplaces are more productive when peace replaces turmoil.It seems that we all want to live in the presence of peace. The problem is that the only person we can control is ourselves, so this year, resolve to be a person of peace!

It seems that a peaceful demeanor has become downplayed in our culture over the past few years. "Reality" television shows that portray women who are self absorbed, childish, materialistic, moody, mean spirited, vulgar, unpredictable,short tempered, and violent have received enormous ratings. Apparently, we have become a society that is greatly entertained by this sort of behavior. Some will argue that there is no harm in watching for entertainment sake, but lately reports have been surfacing that women and especially young women are beginning to see these women and their bad behavior as role models. This is influencing people to adopt these attitudes and actions as a part of their real life. The consequences of this are very painful and harmful.

If we want the benefits of being peacemakers, we must value and pursue a peaceful demeanor that brings calm into the room. The thing that makes this difficult is that as humans our natural tendency is toward self interest and self promotion. These are the two culprits that most often chase peace away and invite in quarreling. I have certainly been involved in my share of fruitless, even ridiculous arguments, but I have resolved to become a person with a peaceful demeanor.

Being a peacemaker does not mean being an emotionless person who is never engaged in any type of conflict. Peacemakers must stand for love, unity, and the principles of Heaven. Sometimes, this will lead to conflict and disagreement with others. The key is to speak the truth in love and not resort to disrespectful, insulting tactics.

Here are a few tips to help in your pursuit of peace:

1. Start with your mate, children, and friends.
2. Put the interests of others above your own. This is a great gift to offer others. 
3. When anger rises, take a minute to think through how to handle it respectfully and lovingly.
4. Refuse to handle the people around you with rage.
5. Cancel all permissions you have given yourself to say or do hurtful things to others. There is no justification for this. 
6. Carefully, say what you need to say in love.
7. Remember to focus on the value of the people in your life.
8. Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
9. Try to understand the point of view of the other and look for ways to give them what they need.   
10. Refuse to pay people back hurt for hurt, rather give blessing.
11. Unite others never be a divider.

Be a Peacemaker!  

 Start the New Year off right by committing to strengthen your marriage!  

Order your copy of I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.  

This 14 week daily devotional will help you focus on improving your marriage!

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Resolve to be more joyful!

Proverbs 17:22 tells us that a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. I have found that it is easy to ride the waves of circumstances in life, being joyful when things are going well and being cranky and moody when things are not going so well. This would not be such a big deal if we lived in a vacuum, but we we all live in contact with others and our attitude affects those around us.
In our homes, when we are cranky, moody, and irritable it causes friction and tension with our mate and children. This often leads to arguments, hurt feelings, and emotional isolation. So, it seems that being a person who is joyful and pleasant most of the time, no one is perfect, is a powerful gift to everyone that we interact with regularly. Have you noticed how some people warm up the room when they enter it? They lift up everyone around them, while others spread a "vibe" of sourness.
I have been working for years to become a carrier of joy, especially in my home. I have found that the biggest obstacle is the myth that I can only be pleasant and joyful when all is well. Most of us have bought into this myth, but it is simply not true. Being a pleasant, joyful person emanates from our belief system and our chosen outlook not from our circumstances. For example, if all of our circumstances had to be in order for us to qualify to be joyful and pleasant then some whole cities and even nations, like the impoverished nations of Africa, Cuba, Haiti, and even Mexico, would be completely void of joy and the "sourness saturation" would probably escalate to mass homicide and suicide. On the other hand, the super rich and privileged of Hollywood would be the epicenter of joy and pleasantries. But the truth is that  these places of extreme difficulty still have the light of joy and the sound of laughter and the circles of privilege are famous for their misery and depression.
After considering these things, I hope you will join me in my quest to be a source of joy to my family and others I encounter. It is not easy, but it is a worthwhile endeavor. Circumstances will always be trying to knock you back into a sour mood, but the fight is well worth it.
Here are some helpful tips I have learned so far:

1. Work at not allowing worry to overwhelm you by reminding yourself that God sees you and He really is working on your behalf even when you can't see it.
2. Remember that life is not all about you. Train yourself to notice the needs of those around you and do what you can for them.
3. Make a decision to avoid all self pity.
4. Stop spending time focusing on what you don't have and focus on what you do have.
5. Make a point of appreciating each day and the free blessings of life that we take for granted like sunrises, sunsets, the laughter of children, the comfort of a hug, and the wonder of nature. No matter what happens, no one can take these from you.
6. Remember that money and things are not as important as they seem. Love expressed is remembered forever.Money spent is soon forgotten.
7. Make a point of doing all you can every day to solve difficult situations and then leave the rest in God's hands. Worrying and being sour do not make things better, in fact they add to your trouble.
8. Think about treating others the way you would like to be treated!
9. Being silly is a worthwhile endeavor.Make it your goal to bring smiles and laughter to your family!
10. Learn to be creative in making memories for your mate and children.

Choose this year to administer good medicine to your mate and children!

Resolve to be more loving!

This year, why not resolve to be more loving to everyone, but especially to your mate. Love is a series of choices, not an overflow of emotion. In fact, the greatest and most meaningful acts of love come from sacrifice and self denial for the benefit of another. In the 1800's a wealthy man, Count Zinzendorf, actually dispersed his belongings and sold himself into slavery so he could share Christ with the slave community. This extravagant act of love was not built on emotion or convenience. It was a calculated series of choices made at great personal cost for the benefit of others. These are the kinds of things that amaze and inspire us. 

This year, resolve to inspire and overwhelm your mate with this kind of deep love.

Here are some ideas to start putting together a plan:

1. Determine where your love of self stops you from expressing love to your mate.
2. Plan to knock that barrier down and reach beyond it in your efforts to love your mate.
3. Determine what you can do that would be most meaningful and helpful to your mate. Engage your mate in conversation about his/her needs. Ask,"What do you need from me to truly feel loved and cherished?" This will probably involve things that are not too glamorous like helping with chores and child rearing tasks.It might involve cutting back on your hobby to help your mate enjoy theirs. It might mean rearranging your spending priorities. It will surely mean trimming something from your comfort zone to make him/her more comfortable.
4. It will involve a decision to be generous with your expressions of love. This could include generous offerings of time, kindness, thoughtfulness, and encouragement.
5. It will involve thought and planning. Generous, meaningful acts of love require thought, planning, and careful execution on a consistent basis. It is ridiculous to think that such a great endeavor could be successfully carried out on a whim.
6. The bottom line is that to be more loving we must choose to love our mate as much as we love ourselves and put our mate first as often as possible.
7. A key question needs to be "What does my mate need right now?" "How can I lift him/her up?"
8. The key question to minimize in our thinking is, "But, what about me?" "How can I get what I want?"

When we focus on lifting up self, love is imprisoned. When we focus on lifting up others, especially our mate, love is released. This year, I hope you will join me in resolving to release love. It is truly the only way to find fulfillment and joy!
Fear makes us hold onto love and put self first. Fear says,"But what if you lift up your mate and He/She does not return the love? You better keep it locked up to protect yourself." Love says, " Release me and I will grant my blessing to you." This year, overcome fear by releasing love and receive love's blessing!