For marriage only

It seems that since the fall of mankind in the Garden of Eden, God's enemy, Satan, has been exploiting human sexuality to bring pain and devastation to multitudes all the while extolling this effort as "real freedom" and "real fun". This has been so successful partly because the church has either been silent or has misrepresented God's view on this subject as detailed in the Bible. One of my goals with this space is to offer thought provoking, biblical principles in a concise, easy to read format so I will only be able to hit the highlights. For a more in depth study, order a copy of I Still Do, A Guide for the Marriage Journey ISBN  978 1 60957 156 6.
Let's look briefly at God's plan for sex in the beginning to try to gain insights into this controversy. In the first three chapters of Genesis, we see that God created the Heavens and Earth. In His creation of the vast animal kingdom, God included a means of procreation. Most of these species procreate by some means of sexual union. He surveyed His creation, including the procreation process, and declared it to be good. Adam was the only created being that had no mate and no way to reproduce. In a later event, God created Eve to be Adam's companion.It seems that one reason God made this a separate event was to emphasize the fact that human sexuality is different, more special, from that of the rest of creation. The creatures of the animal kingdom were driven by instinct to mate for reproductive purposes, however human sexuality is sacred and is to be practiced carefully.
In the Biblical account, Genesis 2:22-24 says..."Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man...For this reason, a man will leave his Mother and Father and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were naked and felt no shame." The most glaring observation here is that God created them as sexual beings with the capacity for emotional connection, attraction, and made them with a capacity to derive great pleasure from their sexual interaction. Their sexuality was not merely instinct driven for the purpose of reproduction. Human sexuality was created to be so much more...a mysterious intermingling of bodies and souls...oneness.
In the law God gave Moses(Deuteronomy 22), He made it plain that sexual activity was to be restricted to the marriage relationship. The popular, modern idea is that this command was put in place to restrict the fun and adventure of humans. However, this is far from the truth. God put this restriction in place to protect mankind from the consequences of the misuse of sex such as: devastating rejection, insecurity, fear found in lack of commitment, abandonment, unwanted pregnancies, abortion, infanticide, disease, incest, rape, and a host of other destructive things that are rooted in the misuse of sex. Today in America, our prisons are full of angry, confused young men who carry the wounds of an absent or abusive Father and a promiscuous Mother and our welfare rolls are filled with desperate young women who thought they could find fulfillment in the arms of an uncommitted man. God's standards were not to steal the fun from sex, but rather to protect the fun He intended it to be by shielding men and women from the devastating consequences of sex outside of marriage. The negative outflow of effects in our culture that have been produced by the abandonment of Biblical standards concerning marriage, sex, and family vividly illustrate the importance of returning to Biblical standards regarding these issues.
My point is that God created human sexuality to bring emotional, mental, relational, and physical pleasure to the relationship between a husband and wife that will last a lifetime. There is nothing dirty or shameful about it in that context. Married couples should make this aspect of their relationship a priority, especially during times of difficulty. This is a great gift carefully planned and created by God to be enjoyed by all married couples. If you have this on the back burner in your relationship, why not start bringing it to the front burner?

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What do you want?!

Conflicts are a natural part of relationships because everyone approaches life a little differently. In a lifelong relationship like marriage, it is crucial for both partners to learn to understand each other and learn to work together to help each other make it through the ups and downs of life. Effective conflict resolution is a vital part of a successful marriage, yet this is an area that is seldom discussed with couples until there is a crisis in the marriage.

Most conflicts are started when one marriage partner expresses dissatisfaction with some aspect of the relationship to the other partner. It seems that this is usually filed as an accusation and often accompanied with a question about the love and commitment in the relationship. Normally, the exchange is filled with hurt that is expressed in anger. Too often, this initial expression is returned with more anger, accusations, and hurtful retaliations. Many times this exchange escalates to a place of frustration on the part of both and eventually one or both will simply stop talking and the issue is left to simmer in silence. This creates distance and coldness in the relationship where neither is giving or receiving the things needed in a healthy relationship. A downward cycle of withholding good and dishing out little "jabs" is now set in motion. A terrible undercurrent now overshadows a once happy marriage. Misery is eclipsing joy.

Here are some ideas to help resolve conflicts in a healthy manner:

1. Have a clear goal.                                             Before expressing  dissatisfaction in the relationship, think through the issues until you are clear on the main problem. Often, these conflicts are started without a clear goal to be addressed and the end result is a frustrating exchange of anger about a variety of subjects with no real solution being discussed. Know what you want before start!
2. Talk only to your mate (or the person involved if this is a non-marriage conflict) never talk to others about your disappointments in the relationship. Go to the person with whom you have the conflict.The Bible, Matthew 18:15-16 
3. Choose your words carefully. Remember that this is the most important person in your life and words have power to heal and reconcile as well as the power to hurt and divide.
4. Refuse to allow anger to overpower you. Control your anger, don't allow it to control you.
5. Be prepared to compromise. Somewhere between what you want and what your mate wants is what is best for your marriage. Be prepared to look for that and accept it when you find it.  
6. Treat your mate like a partner not an enemy. Be careful not to accuse your mate of evil intent. Most unmet needs are unintentional. 
7. Resist the temptation to a knee-jerk reaction to your mate's initial resistance to your expression. Lovingly lead your mate to a calm discussion without making him/her feel attacked. Try to talk about your needs rather than your mate's failure to meet those needs and his/her possible motives for  failing to meet your needs.
8. Choose the best time and place to create the best possibility for a good outcome. When you are angry and your mate is tired or busy or in the middle of something is not the best time. Consider scheduling an appointment to discuss it.
9. Plan ahead to be kind, patient, humble, and willing to forgive. After all, the goal is change and improvement not anger ventilation, mate bashing, and arguing.
10. Be willing to admit your own faults and shortcomings and be willing to do better yourself. Ask your mate how you could better meet his/her needs. 
11. Make sure that once the matter is discussed and a solution is agreed upon that you move forward together helping each other carry out the solution.

  "... Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." The Bible(NIV version), James1:19,20  

A few questions to ponder: 

Are you locked in gridlock with your mate?

Do you know what to do to resolve this?

Will you do it?   When?

If you don't know what to do, will you ask and listen?

Will you work WITH your mate to find workable solutions?  

Remember, choosing to put the needs, wants, and preferences of your mate ahead of your own is not a loss, it is a great expression of love! 

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Staying together when life is pulling you apart

I have found that most people,especially couples, are unprepared to deal with the changes and difficulties that come throughout life. Because they don't have a plan to help them stay together in rough waters, they often drift apart when the waters of life begin to crash over them. Some of the most common trials that face couples are pregnancy, the responsibilities of small children, the challenges of teenagers, financial stress, job loss, sickness, sickness of a child, aging, the empty nest, and the difficulties of caring for aging parents. These are events that are beyond our control. They require us to step up and face difficult realities and make significant adjustments in our plans and daily routines. Many times these circumstances bring long periods of stress, emotional ups and downs, and exhaustion. They also carry with them increased financial demands that frequently take away from time available to be together as one or both seek to earn more money to pay for this new challenge. It is in this environment that couples often begin to turn on each other, neglect each other, and begin to associate the stress with their mate. These are seasons in life that drive many couples to the divorce courts.
The reality is that divorce is not the best answer. Unless you are married to a habitual cheater or an abuser, divorce does not solve anything, it simply increases the pain.and adds new challenges. In our book, I Still Do, A Guide for the Marriage Journey, we devote a chapter to helping couples count the real cost of divorce. When couples get divorced, it has a negative effect on everyone in your circle of  friends and family. The children will spend the rest of their lives trying to get over it. Every special day will be saddened by the reality that the family is broken and now everyone must try to determine how to include and relate to step parents and step children. Someone or both will have to move which will involve new schools, new neighbors, new friends, less contact with former close friends and family, new church, and maybe a new job. If financial stress was the driving force behind the decision to divorce, the result will be even less money and even more bills since the divorce costs are high. Loneliness will now take a significant place in everyone's heart.
The best plan is to work to stay together. After all, marriage is about two people promising to help each other through life. Here are a few helpful hints to help you stay together when the waters of life get rough:

• Refuse to play the blame game. In most cases, determining blame does not solve problems, it simply hurts feelings and creates emotional distance.
• Be ready to forgive and look for solutions.
• Be gracious. Under stress, none of us is at our best so give your mate the slack that you hope he/she will give you.
• Stop insisting that your mate respond to the stressful events the way you respond. Listen and ask questions to better understand their thought process and concerns. This brings closeness whereas insisting that your mate respond as you do brings conflict and distance in the relationship.
• Learn to work together to help each other through life. "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up".The Bible NIV version Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.
• Revoke the permission you might have given yourself to vent your anger and frustration on your mate. Determine to exercise self control and treat your mate the way you would like to be treated.
• Make a point of saying kind, complimentary things to your mate regularly.
• Dream about how good life will be once this has all been worked out.
• Pray for each other.
• Make time to be together without talking about the trouble.
• Make some light-hearted moments.
• Enjoy the children in your life. There is nothing like a child's perspective to lift a troubled heart.
• Remember, God is with you and has a plan to help you through.
• Use this situation to examine your heart and look for opportunities to learn and grow.

My wife and I have been through many rough stretches of water and have learned the value of helping each other rather than turning on each other. I hope these things we have learned along the way will be helpful to you in your journey.

Avoid the straw that broke the camle's back

"The straw that broke the camel's back." This is a saying that has its roots in an ancient Arab proverb and many believe entered our world of idioms when Charles Dickens popularized the proverb in his book, Dombey and Son. This idiom simply means that even as a camel, though able to carry burdens up to one thousand pounds, has a limit on how much it can bear, we have limits also. We can endure a lot of stress and difficulty, but when loaded fully, it seems that one more small thing can make our load too much and break us.

This idea is also portrayed in the Bible in Song of Songs 2:15. "Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom" NIV.
In this ancient love song, the man is urging his beloved to guard the vineyard of their love for each other which is in full bloom from the little foxes that try to undermine and destroy the relationship like small foxes destroy grape vineyards. Small foxes destroy the grape harvest by eating the fruit and destroying the roots of the vines thus destroying the current harvest and future harvests.

I have found this to be true in marriages too. Many times couples will allow hurts, unresolved conflicts, and resentments to build up in their relationship. This accumulation begins to create a negative cycle of hurt, isolation, and pulling away in the relationship. Unfortunately, there comes a time when one partner will reach his/her capacity and when one more little hurt is placed on him/her it will cause a major blow up in the relationship that is often the death blow to the relationship.

The solution is quite simple, don't allow yourself to get loaded up with offenses in the first place. Everyone has opportunities to be upset with the person to whom they are married. Every marriage is made up of two people who are very different. There are the basic male/female differences. There are family background differences that effect our traditions of engaging life and our child rearing philosophy. There are differences that come from varying educational backgrounds. There are personality differences. There are temperament differences. The list of possibilities is great.

Our problem is not formed by the differences. To summarize a complex process, our problem occurs because of our response to the differences. Many times, we fail to understand our mate's point of view and rather than investing the effort to understand, we discount their point of view as inferior to ours and then try to find a way to appease while we are irritated under the surface. This is how irritations accumulate. Every time we take this route a new irritation is accrued. These seem small and harmless at the time, but with each addition the weight of hurt, irritation, and disrespect grows. When both partners respond this way back and forth, it creates a terrible, negative cycle.

A better way is to unload yourself by choosing to grow in the practice of the following:

•   forgive your mate and let it go 
•  choose to acknowledge that your mate is a wonderful person who has many positive things to contribute to you and to your marriage
•  stop focusing on being smarter or better  
• stop focusing on being right all the time  
• learn to cheer your mate on to victories  
• acknowledge the ways your mate has provided qualities that you lack that have benefited you
• finally learn to be thankful for your mate and express it daily
• remember, your mate has far more positive qualities than negative 

Growing in these practices will provide a fence that will keep even the smallest foxes out of your marriage!

Don't let the small things break your marriage!

 

  

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Companion Comfort!

 There are some things that are just plain comforting, often for no apparent real reason, like a sunrise after a long, stressful night at the hospital with an ailing loved one. The sight of a flickering fire in the fireplace is another. The roar of the surf is another mysterious comforter. As humans, we instinctively know that this world is filled with stressful, disappointing seasons and we crave things that bring us comfort to see us through these times.

One of the most powerful sources of comfort comes to us through companionship. Companionship is found by sharing life with someone with whom we have a deep bond. While this can be experienced with parents or friends, the most powerful companionship experience is found in marriage. Sadly, many married couples have workable arrangements, but lack real companionship. According to everydayhealth.com, studies conducted at Brown University by Dr. Scott Haltzman showed that companionship in marriage has many health benefits. The study revealed that being in a healthy marriage reduced the mortality rate of average 45 year old women by 50% and greatly increased the odds of average 48 year old men living to age 65 from 65% to 90%. The study also found that a man in a healthy marriage who has heart disease is expected to live 4 years longer than an unmarried man with heart disease. According to this study, cancer treatment is up to 17% more effective on people who are in a healthy marriage. The study revealed that unmarried people were 9 times more likely to experience bouts of major depression. The study also found that divorce/separation more than doubles the risk of suicide among men. Like our craving for water to sustain life, we crave companionship to find overall well being.

In the Bible, in the book of Song of Songs, we find a poem about two lovers who were enjoying the thrill of a growing romantic relationship. Most couples can remember the excitement of finding a romantic interest who returned this interest. The escalation of the relationship from acquaintance to boyfriend/girlfriend is euphoric just like the escalation described in the Song of Songs. Sometimes, couples get so caught up in the euphoria and the plans for a wedding and beyond that they neglect to foster and care for the most important element of a healthy marriage...companionship. I have been shocked to realize that many married couples know so little about the history and thought process of their mate. Many times, a person will share details of their life in a coaching session with us and their mate of many years is blown away to realize that they never shared this with each other.

In the Song of Songs, the two lovers use a Hebrew word, rea(riyah), in referring to each other. This word illustrates a progression in the relationship. This word is used to express companionship in many types of relationships including the marriage relationship. According to Vine's Complete Dictionary of Old Testament Words, this word refers to a close friend with whom one shares confidences. In the marriage application, this refers to knowing, loving, accepting, and appreciating your partner completely. Many couples only know each other as they were at some time in the past when they were more connected and putting more effort into the relationship. The problem with this is that people continue to grow and companionship can be lost or the couple can "grow apart". Some couples never know each other beyond the sexual attraction. Some couples are crippled by a fear of really opening up to each other. Some couples never really experience companionship because they are so focused on themselves that they fail to open up to experience aspects of their mate's life that they don't understand.There are many reasons. The lack of growing companionship often leads to a breakdown in the relationship and a temptation to seek companionship outside the marriage. This is destructive and does not deliver the answer that is sought. The answer is to start today to cultivate companionship in your marriage. Here are some helpful hints:

• Start by agreeing to develop deeper companionship
• Decide to confide your history and life story with your mate
• Decide to confide your hopes, dreams, and aspirations with your mate
• Decide to confide your disappointments and fears with your mate
• Confide your plans to grow as a person with your mate
• Confide your high moments and low moments with your mate
• Develop common interests and hobbies...do things together that appeal to you both.
• Be careful with the things that your mate confides in you...never share them with anyone else.
• Encourage and celebrate your mate

Find the comfort of companionship!  

 

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Chase away insecurity

 Recent articles in USA Today.com and psychcentral.com tell of a study that indicates that people who are insecure in  relationships are at an increased risk for cardiovascular disease, chronic headaches, neck and back pain, and other serious conditions. The study concedes that there are many other contributing factors and much more research needs to be done to reach conclusive results, however I think we all agree from experience that relational insecurity is a terrible state of being that creates a lot of stress and heartache. Marriage is supposed to be a cure for loneliness and insecurity, but many couples journey through difficult times that are filled with insecurity. It is important to learn to chase insecurity from your marriage.

In the Bible is a book called the Song of Songs. It is a beautiful love song between two lovers that gives us a beautiful picture of the beauty of married love. In SOS, 1:5-11, we find a great exchange between this couple that is a beautiful pattern to help us chase insecurity away. The young king, Solomon, has been out in the countryside looking over his flocks and livestock and has met a young woman whose family rents a vineyard from him. She is beautiful and he is drawn to her. They quickly fall deeply in love and he asks her to marry him. He sends her to Jerusalem, the capital city,  to the palace to prepare for the upcoming wedding(things worked very differently in that culture). Upon arrival, she sees the wealthy, pampered daughters of the Jerusalem elite who are all vieing to become the king's bride. She stands out in stark contrast. She has been forced to work in the vineyard with the men while these beauties have been shielded from the harsh sun and have pampered their skin with oils and expensive lotions. Her hands are calloused and show the wear of hard labor. She has not been trained in all the social graces of the royal court. She is truly the odd girl out and her insecurities are raging as she awaits the return of Solomon. Not only that, but it seems that her Father had died and her brothers were leading the family and had chosen to mistreat her. She was insecure because of her family background. To make matters worse, her beloved was away and her insecurities were amplified by his absence. Eventually, the insecurities overwhelm her and she goes out into the countryside to look for him to calm her heart. As she is going from shepherd camp to shepherd camp looking for him she becomes afraid that this will cause her to become associated with the women of the day who belonged to no man and went about from encampment to encampment and were considered to be prostitutes (veiled women). She was concerned about her reputation, but her desperate need for reassurance in the relationship drove her on. Eventually, she found him and he chased away her insecurities. In doing so, he creates a wonderful pattern for husbands to follow in order to chase away the insecurities of their wives:

1. He greeted her by reassuring her of her beauty. She needed to know that she was beautiful to him...even though her beauty was different from those in the city.
2. In comparing her to one of Pharoah's mares, he was saying that she was the rarest of the rare in beauty and worthiness. Pharoah's chariots were legendary in the ancient world and the stallions that pulled them were rare and exquisite. To have a mare join their ranks was so rare and magnificent that it would be legendary. He reassured her of her worthiness to be the queen.
3. He adorned her face and neck with beautiful, expensive jewelry. Jewelry draws the eye of the beholder. He was drawing attention to these features that she was insecure about and declaring them to be especially beautiful to him.
4. Jewelry also indicates sacrificial love and devotion and ownership or belonging to someone(like a wedding ring). He adorned her with expensive symbols of his love and devotion to her and sent her back to Jerusalem with tangible, obvious symbols of his love and affection for her. She belonged to him and he belonged to her.  
5. As husbands, we can chase away our wives' insecurities by reassuring her of her beauty to us (never compare her with others), reassuring her of our appreciation of her strengths, ideas, gifts, and talents, and by being very open and demonstrative about our love for her in front of others.

Ladies, you can chase away your husband's insecurities by simply letting him know that you appreciate him, letting him know what you admire about him, by showing him affection, and by doing things with him.

Chase Insecurities away! 

 

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The power of a kiss!

"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth - for your love is more delightful than wine." Song of Songs 1:2
Yes, this is a quote from the Bible. The Song of Songs is a book of the Bible that is devoted to celebrating the wonder of romance and love between a married man and woman. It has been a guide as well as a source of inspiration to married couples for centuries.
In Genesis 2, we read the account of God's creation of Adam and Eve. God created Adam and Eve as the crowning glory of all His creation. Man and woman were unique from all other created beings in many ways including our ability to communicate clearly and precisely with each other, our ability to communicate with God, our ability to create, reason, and build, and the way we enjoy our senses. While many of God's creations have the sense of taste, smell, touch, sight, and hearing, man is unique in our experience of these things. We not only taste, but we create gourmet experiences for our enjoyment. We not only smell, but we create a wide variety of smell sensations to enjoy. We not only touch, but we have developed schools to help further the healing benefits of touch. Not only do we see, we create beautiful art. Not only do we hear, but we create beautiful music of all sorts to fill the ears with the beauty of music. Man is unique among all of God's creation.
This is true also in our romantic relationships. As far as anyone can tell, animals engage in a form of courtship and mating simply because of an instinctual drive to create offspring. Courtship among humans is different. We are different by design just as we are different in our enjoyment our our five senses. The bond between a married couple is a deep bond that is intended to bring a lifetime of comfort and enjoyment as they help each other through the ups and downs of life. However, just like it takes effort, planning, and creativity to create a wonderful perfume, a delicious meal, a masterpiece, or beautiful music, it takes effort, planning, and creativity to keep the enjoyment part of the relationship alive and well. One of the keys to keeping the excitement alive in a marriage is to make kissing a regular part of your interaction.
In a recent study, it was revealed that 1/5 of married couples regularly go as long as one week without kissing at all. Then, when they did kiss, 40% of them shared a kiss that lasted only five seconds. It is no wonder that so many people are bored and miserable in their marriages.
According to www.webmd.com, there are quite a few benefits associated with kissing including:

• Kissing relieves stress and aids in relaxation because the kissing event focuses their attention off of stressors and fully onto their partner and the sensations of the moment.
• Kissing communicates acceptance and desire which creates a sense of security and peace.
• Kissing is a natural part of the bonding process  and when married couples spend time kissing it deepens their connection and bond with each other which is very comforting.
• Kissing enhances the closeness in a marriage. Kissing is requires being close...close enough to feel each other's body warmth, to feel each other's breath, and to smell and taste each other. A lack of physical closeness breeds insecurity. Kissing is the cure.
• Kissing is the doorway to a sexual encounter. Kissing greatly increases the pleasure exchanged during a sexual encounter. This all works together to bring a greater sense of pleasure, happiness, and security to couples.

All of this is as much a mystery as our heightened enjoyment of our five senses and the lengths we will go to to fully experience them. Whether you understand this or not, it will benefit you to make a pledge to yourself and your mate to refuse to become a "non-kissing" couple. There is no benefit to allowing the fire of romance in your marriage to die. If you are somewhat adventurous, regard it as a wonderful experiment to improve your marriage.

By the way, July 6th is National Kissing Day. I urge you to mark it on your calendar and plan to celebrate in grand style. But, of course, you will need to practice a lot to get in shape for it! 

Fan the Flame in your marriage

by adding more kissing! 

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Be a no nag marriage partner!

Last week, the Wall Street Journal ran a story stating that the number one issue causing  divorce in America is nagging. In this article, the author went so far as to say that nagging is more caustic to a marriage than infidelity. I'm not sure I would agree with that assertion, but we all know that nagging is a terrible habit that gets introduced into many marriages. I am surprised that this "new revelation" has gotten so much publicity, after all this is not a new revelation at all. King Solomon in ancient Israel wrote about this in several places in the Book of Proverbs," Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife."(21:9 & 25:24).

The idea presented here is that a wife, or husband, who is constantly upset, demanding, and argumentative zaps all of the enjoyment out of life. This is closely related to the idea of nagging as we understand it. Nagging is the habit of asking one's mate to do certain things over and over again growing increasingly more agitated, impatient, demanding, and critical with each request. Nagging is often associated with a growing communication of disrespect and vengeful ploys to manipulate one's mate into compliance as soon as possible. No one wants to be married to a person who nags.  

During the last couple of weeks, we have been exploring the importance of growing in the qualities listed in Galatians 5:22-24 in order to improve ourselves as marriage partners. This week, we are finishing up with "patience" which offers a solution to this issue of nagging.  

On the surface, we think of patience as a quality of weakness as we sit idly by allowing others to trample over us. We also associate patience with waiting too long for something we really want now. Either way, we tend to shy away from the idea of patience.  

However, the ancient Greek word translated patience is the antidote for nagging. According to Vine's expository dictionary of New Testament words, this word translated "longsuffering" or "patience" really means, "to bear with, the quality of restraint in the face of provocation which does not hastily retaliate or promptly punish; it is the opposite of anger, and is associated with mercy and is used of God..."  

This type of patience comes from a place of confidence, respect, understanding, self control, and love. Marriage requires a lot of "bearing with" each other because we are humans with flaws and weaknesses. Marriage is about two people bearing with each other as they help each other grow and make it through life. When we yield to the temptation to nag our mate, we create a negative environment of hurt and coldness. We need to pursue this quality of patience with our mate. 

The reason we nag our mate is that we want our way when we want it and how we want it and we are afraid that our mate will refuse to give us what we want.  

I would like to offer some ideas to help you reduce nagging in your marriage:

1. Make sure there is no miscommunication about what you need from your mate and when and why.
2. Ask your mate if they can fulfill this request rather than assuming, demanding, and pouting. Please and thank you are great words to use in this part of the exchange.
3. Let your mate know how important this is to you and why it is important.
4. Respect your mate's limitations and be grateful for their offerings. Wait patiently and calmly as your mate fulfills your request. You might face an opportunity to become provoked, choose instead to offer mercy. 
5. Make sure to appreciate what your mate does in response to your request. Resist the temptation to be the quality control inspector who always finds something to criticize. 
6. Make sure your mate does not feel the need to nag you by following through with what you promise to do.
7. Remember, it is important to your mate whether you think it is important or not. The important thing is to show your love for your mate by doing anything you can to bring a smile to his/her face.  

Strengthen your marriage  

by ending nagging!

Start the New Year off right by committing to strengthen your marriage!  

Order your copy of I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.

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Realities of Divorce

In this day and age of celebrity fixation, divorce has been glamorized and mistakenly presented as an inevitable part of life as one seeks happiness and fulfillment. In the Bible, God makes it clear that "I hate divorce," says the Lord Almighty. Many believe that this is evidence that God is a cold hearted Father who is more interested in His rules than in the well being of His children. This incorrect opinion has led many to cast off any interest in Him and His ways in order to seek happiness any way they can think of. The truth is that, as the creator of humans, marriage, and family, God hates divorce because of its devastating effects on individuals, children, and society as a whole. Before we go any further, let me say that God is not angry at anyone who has been divorced in the past. His desire toward those who have experienced divorce is to bring forgiveness, healing, and restoration for the future. My purpose for this article is not to heap condemnation of those who have been divorced, but rather to help encourage those who are entertaining the idea to think again and work at all costs to repair their current marriage rather than divorce. Now, I realize that in some instances divorce is the only option due to the unwillingness of their partner to make changes. The Bible makes it plain that in the case of adultery, physical abuse, and abandonment divorce is appropriate if the offending spouse refuses to repent and make real changes.
So, what are the realities of divorce? Studies show that divorce carries terrible consequences including psychological pain that is more intense than that caused by the death of a spouse, increased risk of bankruptcy, increased vulnerability to poverty and homelessness, pain in children that leads to increased risk of juvenile crime and teen pregnancy. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly as our celebrity icons want us to think.
Here are some questions to ponder before choosing to move forward with a divorce:

• Am I willing to return to the loneliness of the single life? Do you remember how lonely you were?
• Will I re-marry?
• How do I know I will find someone better?
• How much of the breakdown of this relationship is my fault?
• Will my friends choose to remain in relationship with me or my spouse?
• Am I willing to own that and make changes to prevent hurting future relationships?
• If there are children involved, who will get custody?
• How ugly will this get?
• How will that effect the children?
• Will I maintain relationships with my in laws...the children's grandparents, aunts,and uncles?
• How will that work?
• Which one of you will choose a new church? How will you decide?
• Which church will you choose?
• Who is going to move to a new home? Where? Will your current home be lost in the settlement or simply due to a lack of ability to pay for it?
• Will the children have to change schools?
• How will that effect them?
• How will all of this effect your relationship with your children?
• Will you lose your job? Many times the extreme stresses of this whole process effect job performance and attendance.
• Most people can't live on the income of divorce settlements, if they are paid, will you have to find extra income? How will that effect your life and family?
• Many people medicate this pain with alcohol, drugs, or harmful relationships. Will you? How do you know? What will keep you from becoming like the majority of people who face divorce?
• Do you have a relationship with God? How will this choice effect that?
• How will all of this upheaval lead to happiness?
• Wouldn't it be easier to work on your current relationship to make it better?
• These are just some of the life changing questions that should be considered before seeking divorce!

The truth is that divorce leads to the downfall of society as masses of people are devastated by the breakup of their marriages and family. The ripple effects of hurting adults trying to survive the pain with alcohol, drugs, and a series of damaging short term relationships and hurting, confused children acting out their anger and insecurities creates a huge burden on the welfare, medicaid, and law enforcement and prison systems in our nation.It is no wonder God hates divorce because of its devastating effects on the people He loves so much!
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Resolve to be a fountain of Goodness!

I know January is nearly over and those thoughts of New Year's Resolutions seem like they were a long time ago, but I hope you are still working on becoming a better marriage partner this year.

I started the year off by suggesting that it would be a great thing to focus on pursuing the growth of the qualities known as the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-24) in our lives.

Let's consider three qualities that are very connected, ...goodness, kindness, and gentleness.... Galatians 5:23.

First of all, goodness is that quality of being good like fertile ground that grows good crops. This idea of good encompasses a lot of ideas such as being honorable, being morally upright, and one who generously benefits others. Everyone wants to be married to a person who is good and I doubt if anyone wants to be married to someone who is bad. While we might all consider ourselves to be "good," we all certainly have room to grow in this area. In Proverbs 31, the famous Godly wife is praised because she brings her husband good and never any harm. What a reputation for all of us, men and women alike to aspire to! What good thing can we add to our mate's life today?

This idea of growing in goodness includes the concept of doing what is best and beneficial for those around us which might not always be pleasant or create happy feelings. Sometimes, we need to encourage our mate to do what is best, right, and good even when the choice is difficult or painful. Jesus often spoke difficult things to the people around Him that were for their good, but were not necessarily the easiest things to hear. Sometimes, the presence of goodness points us in the right direction when all we really want is to be kept comfortable. In Acts 5:1-11, we see that Annanias and Sapphira failed to benefit each other with this quality of goodness when they planned to lie to the church and to the Lord. If only one of them had poured out enough goodness to abort the deceptive plan they would have avoided a terrible family calamity.

This is where the other two qualities link together with goodness. The NIV uses the word "gentleness" and the King James uses the word "meekness" to express the quality described by the original Greek word, praus, which really does not have an English equivalent. Where gentleness and meekness can be viewed as qualities of weakness, praus is a quality of strength. It is a word used of Jesus who had all power yet trusted Himself into the providence of God as He ministered to people and yielded Himself to the cross. It is a quality that is the opposite of self assertion and self interest. It is a quality that allows a person to be a fountain of goodness to others because there is no desire to assert self. As we pursue goodness, may we be untainted by self interest and self assertion and may we embrace the other related quality of kindness.

Kindness is really associated with treating others the way we would want to be treated. A kind person is comforting. A kind person is helpful. A kind person chooses their words carefully. A kind person observes the needs of those around him/her and springs into action.

When we examine the story Jesus told of the good Samaritan in Luke 10:30-37 we see a man of goodness who was motivated by kindness to use the strength of his resources to help someone in need with no self interest or self assertiveness. That pretty well sums up how these qualities work together. My hope is that you will choose to join me as I seek to grow in these qualities ...most especially, let's demonstrate these qualities to our mate and children!

Resolve to grow in Goodness, Gentleness, and Kindness!

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Resolve to pursue peace in your home!

Blessed are the peacemakers,for they will be called the sons of God. Matthew 5:9

Not only are there wonderful eternal rewards and blessings associated with encouraging and promoting peace, but there are great rewards and blessings here on Earth as well. Marriages are more enjoyable when peace is present.Children are emotionally healthier and more secure when the home is filled with peace. Friendships are are sweeter when peace is present. Churches are more appealing when peace is the greeter at the door. Workplaces are more productive when peace replaces turmoil.It seems that we all want to live in the presence of peace. The problem is that the only person we can control is ourselves, so this year, resolve to be a person of peace!

It seems that a peaceful demeanor has become downplayed in our culture over the past few years. "Reality" television shows that portray women who are self absorbed, childish, materialistic, moody, mean spirited, vulgar, unpredictable,short tempered, and violent have received enormous ratings. Apparently, we have become a society that is greatly entertained by this sort of behavior. Some will argue that there is no harm in watching for entertainment sake, but lately reports have been surfacing that women and especially young women are beginning to see these women and their bad behavior as role models. This is influencing people to adopt these attitudes and actions as a part of their real life. The consequences of this are very painful and harmful.

If we want the benefits of being peacemakers, we must value and pursue a peaceful demeanor that brings calm into the room. The thing that makes this difficult is that as humans our natural tendency is toward self interest and self promotion. These are the two culprits that most often chase peace away and invite in quarreling. I have certainly been involved in my share of fruitless, even ridiculous arguments, but I have resolved to become a person with a peaceful demeanor.

Being a peacemaker does not mean being an emotionless person who is never engaged in any type of conflict. Peacemakers must stand for love, unity, and the principles of Heaven. Sometimes, this will lead to conflict and disagreement with others. The key is to speak the truth in love and not resort to disrespectful, insulting tactics.

Here are a few tips to help in your pursuit of peace:

1. Start with your mate, children, and friends.
2. Put the interests of others above your own. This is a great gift to offer others. 
3. When anger rises, take a minute to think through how to handle it respectfully and lovingly.
4. Refuse to handle the people around you with rage.
5. Cancel all permissions you have given yourself to say or do hurtful things to others. There is no justification for this. 
6. Carefully, say what you need to say in love.
7. Remember to focus on the value of the people in your life.
8. Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
9. Try to understand the point of view of the other and look for ways to give them what they need.   
10. Refuse to pay people back hurt for hurt, rather give blessing.
11. Unite others never be a divider.

Be a Peacemaker!  

 Start the New Year off right by committing to strengthen your marriage!  

Order your copy of I Still Do, A guide for the marriage journey.  

This 14 week daily devotional will help you focus on improving your marriage!

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Resolve to be more joyful!

Proverbs 17:22 tells us that a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. I have found that it is easy to ride the waves of circumstances in life, being joyful when things are going well and being cranky and moody when things are not going so well. This would not be such a big deal if we lived in a vacuum, but we we all live in contact with others and our attitude affects those around us.
In our homes, when we are cranky, moody, and irritable it causes friction and tension with our mate and children. This often leads to arguments, hurt feelings, and emotional isolation. So, it seems that being a person who is joyful and pleasant most of the time, no one is perfect, is a powerful gift to everyone that we interact with regularly. Have you noticed how some people warm up the room when they enter it? They lift up everyone around them, while others spread a "vibe" of sourness.
I have been working for years to become a carrier of joy, especially in my home. I have found that the biggest obstacle is the myth that I can only be pleasant and joyful when all is well. Most of us have bought into this myth, but it is simply not true. Being a pleasant, joyful person emanates from our belief system and our chosen outlook not from our circumstances. For example, if all of our circumstances had to be in order for us to qualify to be joyful and pleasant then some whole cities and even nations, like the impoverished nations of Africa, Cuba, Haiti, and even Mexico, would be completely void of joy and the "sourness saturation" would probably escalate to mass homicide and suicide. On the other hand, the super rich and privileged of Hollywood would be the epicenter of joy and pleasantries. But the truth is that  these places of extreme difficulty still have the light of joy and the sound of laughter and the circles of privilege are famous for their misery and depression.
After considering these things, I hope you will join me in my quest to be a source of joy to my family and others I encounter. It is not easy, but it is a worthwhile endeavor. Circumstances will always be trying to knock you back into a sour mood, but the fight is well worth it.
Here are some helpful tips I have learned so far:

1. Work at not allowing worry to overwhelm you by reminding yourself that God sees you and He really is working on your behalf even when you can't see it.
2. Remember that life is not all about you. Train yourself to notice the needs of those around you and do what you can for them.
3. Make a decision to avoid all self pity.
4. Stop spending time focusing on what you don't have and focus on what you do have.
5. Make a point of appreciating each day and the free blessings of life that we take for granted like sunrises, sunsets, the laughter of children, the comfort of a hug, and the wonder of nature. No matter what happens, no one can take these from you.
6. Remember that money and things are not as important as they seem. Love expressed is remembered forever.Money spent is soon forgotten.
7. Make a point of doing all you can every day to solve difficult situations and then leave the rest in God's hands. Worrying and being sour do not make things better, in fact they add to your trouble.
8. Think about treating others the way you would like to be treated!
9. Being silly is a worthwhile endeavor.Make it your goal to bring smiles and laughter to your family!
10. Learn to be creative in making memories for your mate and children.

Choose this year to administer good medicine to your mate and children!

Resolve to be more loving!

This year, why not resolve to be more loving to everyone, but especially to your mate. Love is a series of choices, not an overflow of emotion. In fact, the greatest and most meaningful acts of love come from sacrifice and self denial for the benefit of another. In the 1800's a wealthy man, Count Zinzendorf, actually dispersed his belongings and sold himself into slavery so he could share Christ with the slave community. This extravagant act of love was not built on emotion or convenience. It was a calculated series of choices made at great personal cost for the benefit of others. These are the kinds of things that amaze and inspire us. 

This year, resolve to inspire and overwhelm your mate with this kind of deep love.

Here are some ideas to start putting together a plan:

1. Determine where your love of self stops you from expressing love to your mate.
2. Plan to knock that barrier down and reach beyond it in your efforts to love your mate.
3. Determine what you can do that would be most meaningful and helpful to your mate. Engage your mate in conversation about his/her needs. Ask,"What do you need from me to truly feel loved and cherished?" This will probably involve things that are not too glamorous like helping with chores and child rearing tasks.It might involve cutting back on your hobby to help your mate enjoy theirs. It might mean rearranging your spending priorities. It will surely mean trimming something from your comfort zone to make him/her more comfortable.
4. It will involve a decision to be generous with your expressions of love. This could include generous offerings of time, kindness, thoughtfulness, and encouragement.
5. It will involve thought and planning. Generous, meaningful acts of love require thought, planning, and careful execution on a consistent basis. It is ridiculous to think that such a great endeavor could be successfully carried out on a whim.
6. The bottom line is that to be more loving we must choose to love our mate as much as we love ourselves and put our mate first as often as possible.
7. A key question needs to be "What does my mate need right now?" "How can I lift him/her up?"
8. The key question to minimize in our thinking is, "But, what about me?" "How can I get what I want?"

When we focus on lifting up self, love is imprisoned. When we focus on lifting up others, especially our mate, love is released. This year, I hope you will join me in resolving to release love. It is truly the only way to find fulfillment and joy!
Fear makes us hold onto love and put self first. Fear says,"But what if you lift up your mate and He/She does not return the love? You better keep it locked up to protect yourself." Love says, " Release me and I will grant my blessing to you." This year, overcome fear by releasing love and receive love's blessing!