There are some things that are just plain comforting, often for no apparent real reason, like a sunrise after a long, stressful night at the hospital with an ailing loved one. The sight of a flickering fire in the fireplace is another. The roar of the surf is another mysterious comforter. As humans, we instinctively know that this world is filled with stressful, disappointing seasons and we crave things that bring us comfort to see us through these times.
One of the most powerful sources of comfort comes to us through companionship. Companionship is found by sharing life with someone with whom we have a deep bond. While this can be experienced with parents or friends, the most powerful companionship experience is found in marriage. Sadly, many married couples have workable arrangements, but lack real companionship. According to everydayhealth.com, studies conducted at Brown University by Dr. Scott Haltzman showed that companionship in marriage has many health benefits. The study revealed that being in a healthy marriage reduced the mortality rate of average 45 year old women by 50% and greatly increased the odds of average 48 year old men living to age 65 from 65% to 90%. The study also found that a man in a healthy marriage who has heart disease is expected to live 4 years longer than an unmarried man with heart disease. According to this study, cancer treatment is up to 17% more effective on people who are in a healthy marriage. The study revealed that unmarried people were 9 times more likely to experience bouts of major depression. The study also found that divorce/separation more than doubles the risk of suicide among men. Like our craving for water to sustain life, we crave companionship to find overall well being.
In the Bible, in the book of Song of Songs, we find a poem about two lovers who were enjoying the thrill of a growing romantic relationship. Most couples can remember the excitement of finding a romantic interest who returned this interest. The escalation of the relationship from acquaintance to boyfriend/girlfriend is euphoric just like the escalation described in the Song of Songs. Sometimes, couples get so caught up in the euphoria and the plans for a wedding and beyond that they neglect to foster and care for the most important element of a healthy marriage...companionship. I have been shocked to realize that many married couples know so little about the history and thought process of their mate. Many times, a person will share details of their life in a coaching session with us and their mate of many years is blown away to realize that they never shared this with each other.
In the Song of Songs, the two lovers use a Hebrew word, rea(riyah), in referring to each other. This word illustrates a progression in the relationship. This word is used to express companionship in many types of relationships including the marriage relationship. According to Vine's Complete Dictionary of Old Testament Words, this word refers to a close friend with whom one shares confidences. In the marriage application, this refers to knowing, loving, accepting, and appreciating your partner completely. Many couples only know each other as they were at some time in the past when they were more connected and putting more effort into the relationship. The problem with this is that people continue to grow and companionship can be lost or the couple can "grow apart". Some couples never know each other beyond the sexual attraction. Some couples are crippled by a fear of really opening up to each other. Some couples never really experience companionship because they are so focused on themselves that they fail to open up to experience aspects of their mate's life that they don't understand.There are many reasons. The lack of growing companionship often leads to a breakdown in the relationship and a temptation to seek companionship outside the marriage. This is destructive and does not deliver the answer that is sought. The answer is to start today to cultivate companionship in your marriage. Here are some helpful hints:
- Start by agreeing to develop deeper companionship
- Decide to confide your history and life story with your mate
- Decide to confide your hopes, dreams, and aspirations with your mate
- Decide to confide your disappointments and fears with your mate
- Confide your plans to grow as a person with your mate
- Confide your high moments and low moments with your mate
- Develop common interests and hobbies...do things together that appeal to you both.
- Be careful with the things that your mate confides in you...never share them with anyone else.
- Encourage and celebrate your mate
Find the comfort of companionship!
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