Last week, the Wall Street Journal ran a story stating that the number one issue causing divorce in America is nagging. In this article, the author went so far as to say that nagging is more caustic to a marriage than infidelity. I'm not sure I would agree with that assertion, but we all know that nagging is a terrible habit that gets introduced into many marriages. I am surprised that this "new revelation" has gotten so much publicity, after all this is not a new revelation at all. King Solomon in ancient Israel wrote about this in several places in the Book of Proverbs," Better to live on a corner of the roof than to share a house with a quarrelsome wife."(21:9 & 25:24).
The idea presented here is that a wife, or husband, who is constantly upset, demanding, and argumentative zaps all of the enjoyment out of life. This is closely related to the idea of nagging as we understand it. Nagging is the habit of asking one's mate to do certain things over and over again growing increasingly more agitated, impatient, demanding, and critical with each request. Nagging is often associated with a growing communication of disrespect and vengeful ploys to manipulate one's mate into compliance as soon as possible. No one wants to be married to a person who nags.
During the last couple of weeks, we have been exploring the importance of growing in the qualities listed in Galatians 5:22-24 in order to improve ourselves as marriage partners. This week, we are finishing up with "patience" which offers a solution to this issue of nagging.
On the surface, we think of patience as a quality of weakness as we sit idly by allowing others to trample over us. We also associate patience with waiting too long for something we really want now. Either way, we tend to shy away from the idea of patience.
However, the ancient Greek word translated patience is the antidote for nagging. According to Vine's expository dictionary of New Testament words, this word translated "longsuffering" or "patience" really means, "to bear with, the quality of restraint in the face of provocation which does not hastily retaliate or promptly punish; it is the opposite of anger, and is associated with mercy and is used of God..."
This type of patience comes from a place of confidence, respect, understanding, self control, and love. Marriage requires a lot of "bearing with" each other because we are humans with flaws and weaknesses. Marriage is about two people bearing with each other as they help each other grow and make it through life. When we yield to the temptation to nag our mate, we create a negative environment of hurt and coldness. We need to pursue this quality of patience with our mate.
The reason we nag our mate is that we want our way when we want it and how we want it and we are afraid that our mate will refuse to give us what we want.
I would like to offer some ideas to help you reduce nagging in your marriage:
- Make sure there is no miscommunication about what you need from your mate and when and why.
- Ask your mate if they can fulfill this request rather than assuming, demanding, and pouting. Please and thank you are great words to use in this part of the exchange.
- Let your mate know how important this is to you and why it is important.
- Respect your mate's limitations and be grateful for their offerings. Wait patiently and calmly as your mate fulfills your request. You might face an opportunity to become provoked, choose instead to offer mercy.
- Make sure to appreciate what your mate does in response to your request. Resist the temptation to be the quality control inspector who always finds something to criticize.
- Make sure your mate does not feel the need to nag you by following through with what you promise to do.
- Remember, it is important to your mate whether you think it is important or not. The important thing is to show your love for your mate by doing anything you can to bring a smile to his/her face.
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by ending nagging!
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